Once we have learned to listen to ourselves well enough that we don’t need to scream at our loved ones in daily life, then we get to have the relationship of our dreams. Until then we can only snipe at, attack and blame one another for the misery we suffer from the self abuse and neglect we experience inside.
Notice a kitten who, when treated roughly, learns to bite and scratch, but when handled with consistent and firm gentleness, knows how to touch without claws.
In the same way, when we learn to listen to the needs of that immature child within ourselves, the childish one who demands our attention or dies, we no longer need an external abusive someone in our life who has the “job”of showing us how we treat ourselves by mirroring it to us through our external exchange.
When we “attend” to ourselves by questioning that little ones confused perspective, we attract others to us who will mirror to us how we are befriending our inner and outer world.
And Then we become capable of having the loving relationship of our dreams.