Single clients who are looking for a mate, say things like: “I am lonely & unhappy because I don't have someone to share my life with,” or “I don't enjoy being alone. I need someone – someone who will treat me right.”
From those who are married, I hear, “He/she doesn't listen to me or consider my feelings,” or “I feel unimportant and left out. They aren't there for me.” “They are not who I thought they were.”
Both sets of clients share something in common. They all believe that someone else is supposed to “fix” their world and make them feel loved.
They want someone else to give them what they have not given themselves.
Our relationships are mirrors. They reflect our own thoughts and feelings towards ourselves through our interaction (or lack thereof) with others. Our job is to become the mate for ourselves that we are seeking in another. Until we do, we can only go on attracting partners who will mirror to us our unhappy relationship with ourselves.
In other words, the things we think we need someone else to give us are the things we need to give ourselves.
If we are lonely, we must discover the ways we neglect and abandon ourselves. When we truly enjoy our own company, there is no “lack” of “other!” We DO have someone to share our lives with – us! And we are content in that knowing. (By the way, that sort of contentment is very appealing to potential mates. 🙂 )
If we complain often about how poorly our mate ignores us, we must discover how we don't listen to or consider our own feelings. We must find the ways we treat ourselves as if we are unimportant and address them. By befriending ourselves, our mates will naturally treat us better because we have stopped accusing them of being our problem! And when we feel better towards ourselves, we are free to notice the things we like about our partners, too. Feeling appreciated, our partners are more likely to treat us with the increased attention and kindness we once longed for.
Let's go for that!