In this mornings practice I was asking myself the question, “Why do I blog about my process so openly? What are my underlying intentions? How much of it is ego-driven? I let those questions roll around in my mind as I breathed and stretched on my yoga mat.
In my practice, rather than trying to silence the mind, I attempt to follow my mental noise into quietness. In other words, I practice allowing my thoughts to be while I stand back from them and observe them, rather than attempting to enforce silence upon them. I meet my thoughts with an attitude of mild curiosity, and gently question their accuracy, especially zeroing-in on the ones that are causing angst. (I also meditate on the thoughts that bring me joy and comfort 🙂 ) I find that silence happens naturally as the thoughts that object to reality dissolve.
But I digress – back to my morning practice – I was asking about my intentions in sharing my ideas freely, and exposing my inner process so openly online, while I observed what my mind did with those thoughts.
The first thought that came up was in the form of a question that had produced feelings of unworthiness in me for years: “who do I think I am?” I saw the underlying belief clearly; “I am not worthy”; that core belief has been a thought loop I’ve explored many times, and learned much from. Because I had disrobed it so often, I was able to move past its shame-producing snare fairly quickly this time, and on to the next strata of thoughts.
The next thought that surfaced was, “they won’t approve” – another line of thought with which I was familiar. I quickly reviewed in my mind how I act and react when I think people need to approve of me: I saw what I do when trying to manage others opinion of me. The image was a painful one. I recalled how differently I respond to life when I’m focused on Source instead. My preference was immediate – I’d tested it enough to know that the quality of my life is greatly enhanced when I focus my attention on Source. I let go of the need to believe that thought and moved on.
Such incisive pondering prompted me to ask myself bluntly, “So, what’s the truth? Am I putting all this out there in the hopes of gaining fame and fortune, for ego gain? Or am I simply obeying (inner) orders?
I think honestly, the answer is ‘yes’ to both questions.
Ego is that part of me that believes fame or wealth will do something for me. It likes the idea of thinking its a somebody. But it does not rule completely. There is also the ardent desire to be used for the purposes of the Great Master, Source, empty of the need for fame or wealth. Like most humans, I am neither completely empty, nor completely full, of desire for external accomplishments, but am, instead, some uneven combination of both. (It’s my daily practice that helps me stay wop-sided on the side of Source.)
I am someone who has questioned my motives and desires for material gain enough to realize that the best deal going comes from aligning with Source. The best protection, most security, abundance, and the greatest peace all come from Source – and I want it with my whole heart.
I am also the ego who is delighted when people appreciate my writing and share their delight by passing it on to others. I have hopes and dreams for projects that would benefit from cash flow and I would love for my words to help provide it…. So, I am both ego and spiritual desire. This is the what-isness of my present state of consciousness, but daily I practice tipping myself over into pure longing, less and less afraid of giving up more and more of me.
There is another answer to my questions regarding my motives. It is perhaps the most simple, straightforward answer, it is this: I can’t seem to resist writing about consciousness – my own and the process of consciousness in others.
I just can’t seem to resist the urge to report on the findings of my experiments with consciousness in the laboratory of my daily life. I am amazed by the discoveries of how the mind influences the outcomes in our life and I am awed by the dialog we get to have with a Living Intelligence, the Master Source of the Universe.
So come fire or high water, whether or not you (or I) approve or disapprove, whether it’s ego driven or Source driven, I write.
Thanks for indulging my obsession. 🙂