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The Victim Addiction

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Mary Threatens Escape
Creative Commons License photo credit: Lomo-Cam

Victim consciousness is the number one addiction that underlies all addictions … which may at least partially explain why it is so hard for some of us to take space from those who abuse us.

We are commonly addicted to being on the victim triangle with one another; we are addicted to rescuing (trying to control their outcomes), and persecuting others (when they don’t cooperate). We see others as victims that need us. And then we feel victimized by them when they don’t utilize or appreciate our help. We want to get even with them, or ‘show them’ when they don’t go along with our plan.

In other words, our whole relationship with many of the people in our lives takes place on the victim triangle where we are addicted to our dysfunctional roles with one another. And as is true with all addictions, we suffer painful consequences as a result.

Self-responsibility is the key to healthier functioning. Self-responsibility means that we stop blaming others for our problems, and our unhappiness. But it does not mean that we then turn the blame onto ourselves! That does not help – but only serves to drive us deeper into denial of our part.

To move out of our addiction to victim we must recognize our own limiting mind-set that keeps us there. We come to see that the things we accuse others of are the things we have not forgiven ourselves for. We take responsibility for coming into a kinder relationship with ourselves. Self-responsibility means self-acceptance which can only come about as we see clearly how it is that our own thoughts are what holds us prisoner in victim – NOT the world at large.

Blessings,

Lynne

Victim Consciousness & Its Opposite

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Blocks - a potrait of the mind
Creative Commons License photo credit: Robbert van der Steeg

I have lived on all sides of addiction (alcohol & drugs) and so have much personal experience with life on the victim triangle or what we call victim consciousness. I’ve found that moving out of victim consciousness requires that we move into its opposite, observer consciousness.

A primary requirement for accessing observer consciousness is the knowledge that our thoughts and beliefs generate our feelings, and prompt our behavior. In other words, our reactions and feelings about others and our life situations determine our state of mind, NOT those people and situations. When we respond from that understanding we do not feel the need to personalize what people say and do. We understand that our life situations do not cause our reactions – our thoughts do.

That simple shift in understanding moves us from the victim viewpoint that says, “they are doing it to me,” to a more reflective one, “I am unhappy because of what I think/believe – not because of what they say or do.” From this place of self-responsibility, we are self-determining, rather than at the mercy of others. We observe our own thoughts first, rather than to automatically blame them for what we feel.

From observer consciousness we learn to look closely at what we tell ourselves about our life situations, rather than look outside ourselves for evidence of how we’ve been mistreated – the way we do when we are in victim consciousness. Rather than to react in negative painful ways towards the other person, or our external situation, as we do when we are in victim, we, as observers, learn to address our feelings on the inside by finding the thoughts that generate our unhappiness and questioning those thoughts/beliefs.

When we are in observer consciousness, we separate our thoughts from the external situation. We see the external action, (husband telling me how to cook eggs, for instance), and we hear the inside scoop, i.e., what we are telling ourselves about the action, (“He’s trying to control me.”). We know that the action, and our beliefs about the action, don’t always match. We can be wrong in our thoughts/beliefs about what happens in our life.

When we are in observer, we no longer blindly believe our negative thoughts about a situation, the way we do when we are on the victim triangle; instead we stand back from our thoughts, and question them.

For instance, from observer we might notice particular negative feelings and thoughts regarding our spouse’s behavior, but instead of automatically believing those thoughts and reacting accordingly – by telling him off, perhaps, or by lecturing him about it – we question our assumptions about his behavior instead. “The Four Questions and Turn Arounds” packaged by Byron Katie ( www.thework.com ) are a concise set of questions that are powerful because they move us out of victim consciousness and into observer consciousness.

When we access observer consciousness consciously and consistently, we find less and less external reason to see ourselves as a victim of someone else’s behavior.

Hope you find this to be helpful.
BLessings, Lynne

Shaming ourselves does not stop negative behavior

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The more we shame ourselves for something we do that we feel is not healthy, the more we will feel powerless to stop it. Powerlessness is the worst feeling imaginable. It’s easier to deny the issue altogether than to feel so at its mercy. And that is usually exactly what we do next. After judging an addictive pattern, for instance as hopeless, we will swing straight into denial.

The thing we humans seem least able to handle is the feeling of having no control. Rather than feel that kind of powerlessness, we will minimize, justify, rationalize or flat out deny the issue that is prompting us to feel “at the mercy of …” .

The way to handle an undesirable behavior, circumstance or addiction is not through self denigration or shame… but by recognizing that all behavior – all reaction – comes from something we’re believing. Find the belief instead of judge the behavior.

We will go on acting the way we do as long as we believe the story behind the behavior. We cannot act any other way! Shaming ourselves for it WILL NOT CHANGE THE BEHAVIOR! But investigating the thought CAN prompt us towards freedom from it.

When we see ourselves acting in ways that are less than desirable, the thing to do is to find the belief that is fueling the behavior… what mental construct is prompting that act? Find it … write it down and then do a process of inquiry around it.
Use Byron Katie’s, Four Questions and Turn Around … (www.thework.com)
as a way to discern what you are believing …

… and then turn your attention to that which you want to see more of ….

Detach from the behavior through inquiry and then point your attention in a more positive direction. This is not denial … it is using the simple and profound Universal Principle of Attraction … that says we manifest what we want by consciously directing the attention to that which we want more of and away from that which is not prospering us.

May you find freedom.
Lynne

Resistance and shame reinforce addiction ….

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Resistance is a form of negative attention. “Anything we resist persists” … as the saying goes. As mentioned previously, attention is a fertilizer. Resistance is the negative form of attention we give to something that we don’t like. We start fighting against it – through protest perhaps, or by verbal attack … we “should” it or lambast it or feel “bad” about it … etc.

We tend to think that this is the way to eliminate undesirable circumstances … but, in fact, we only strengthen our negative relationship with these things through resistance.

We also resist ourselves.

For instance, let’s say we chastise ourselves for something we see as self destructive …
“I shouldn’t have done that … I am bad … unacceptable …”, etc.

When we reprimand and reproach ourselves with thoughts like these, we inevitably end up reinforcing the very thing we are judging as unacceptable. Shame is a powerful reinforcer. Resistance like this fuels addictions of every kind. The more we shame ourselves for something, the more we empower it. (What we resist persists ….)

Guilt and heavy self reprimand do not stop unwanted behaviors … quite the opposite … they serve to imprint the addictive behavior even more completely.

This is how addictions of every kind are born.

Blessings, Lynne

In Arzua, on the Camino

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We met a young man, Ben, on the camino, the only other person so far from the states that we’ve encountered.  He told us that he was getting ready to start med school in the fall.  I loved his report of the 6 weeks on the camino so far.  He said, Ät first I was bored – I do not speak Spanish so there was no one to talk with – but then I deided there was a lot of things I needed to think about, so I spent the first three weeks thinking everything through.  Then there was nothing else for me to think about so I just started looking at the trees … all day long I would walk and look at trees – no thoughts.  I called my friend at home and told her that I walk for hours without thinking about anything but the trees I’m seeing.  She said, ómigod, buddhist monks spend their lives trying to achieve that state!¨

I, too am feeling the healing effect of feet on the path, misty breezes on the face and joy in the heart.  Time does not exist, there is only me and the universe in dialogue.  A revelatory thought comes and an immediate response verifies or questions …. for example, it occurs that all addiction is simply attachment to a painful story … suddenly a dancing white moth flies right up to me as if to say, ¨That´s right!¨ Of course, this is story too … what is not? 

I am walking up a steep hill, suddenly I am hungry.  There have been only hills and forest for hours but suddenly at the top of this hill, there is a cafe – the sign out front says, ¨boccadillos¨. – ¨Sandwiches for you?¨invites the Universe!  And the dialogue continues.  I ask and the Reality responds with eagerness to give me what I want.

The camino is a metaphor for life.  I watch what comes up in the mind and then get to see it played out in beauty before me.  I told Daniel it´s like walking the labyrinth at home.  I’ve often told people that the experience in the labyrinth will be exactly the way we do life.  The camino is the same.  Our internal beliefs become quite visible on the trail. 

If we believe life is painful and hard – then that will be our camino experience.  If we think we must suffer, the camino is a great opportunity to prove we are right.  Personally I believe that life is a  continual unfolding of abundance and I am watching it do just that in more ways than I can count here on the camino!

My health is good — as a matter of fact, I cannot remember when I’ve felt better!  I feel strong and healthy – there are no thoughts of sickness or fragility.  I am seeing absolutely that the mind rules.  This is something I have taught and experienced but never seen  so dramatically displayed before now.  The world is a laboratory for those of us with the consciousness to use it thusly.  

Today I walked along in the misty rain with my camera on ready, watching for the lessons being offered in visual form.  There´s a heavily burdened down couple in front of me on the uphill path.  She is so ¨prepared¨ for any eventuality on the camino that she can barely walk.  Ah yes, I can relate.  I, too at times have walked through life so burdened down with “knowing” that I can hardly move.  So “prepared” that I cannot move freely. 

There is a small swimming hole full of frolicking frogs.  Look there at those two swimming merrily together!  “Purify, cleanse yourself!” they seem to sing.  “Join us for a cleansing swim.”   Yesterdays message seemed to be all about polarity of light and dark energies.  Today there is water everywhere – in all sorts of forms.  We started out this morning in a beautiful misty rain and then walked past fountains, creeks and running streams but it’s not until this happy pair of amphibians call to me that I recognize the invitation to “shed the mental and emotional baggage (old stories) and swim in the ocean of life!”

I walk, earplugs in, with my ipod on random play … trusting the universe to select the song, poem, music or inspired thought downloaded there that is perfect for this moment.  There are no mistakes – no truly “random” play.  Listening to the sounds of nature blending perfectly with the song or thought chosen just for me in this moment.

Thinking, for instance, about forgiveness when suddenly, the song by “Eastwest” comes on that goes “If he loves you the way I love you then I can send you on your way …” and realizing that the most loving thing we can sometime do for another is to realize that we cannot love them and so  send them on their way.  Forgive all betrayers – for they loved you enough to let you go.

So much richness.  I am blessed. You are part of my wealth.  So from this mountain top in Arzua, Spain I bid you “Bon camino”.

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