We all have our ways of “not going there” – of trying to avoid feeling the inner pain brought on by our losses and difficult transitions. And – please don’t get me wrong! I understand! Believe me!
I have had my own ways of medicating and numbing to the pain in my efforts to keep from falling into the vat of inner darkness left over from things unresolved and un-faced within the psyche. I know what it is to push myself over the rim and into the vat of pain as if I am some kind of glutton for it, and then try to scramble my way out of the soup I’ve dropped myself into.
I’ve recently done just that – in saying good-bye to a relationship I did not want to let go of … This morning as I sat with the loss, I asked myself, WHO in me it is that insists on pushing me into the “hot soup” of life experience? Why can’t I let myself accept the offer of a cozy nest of numb comfort, where I might be “wrapped in swaddling” and “protected” from the storms of Life? Why can’t I settle for that?
The answer that presented itself in response to that question is summed up beautifully in The Book Of Rune Cards, in the description of the Rune card, Hagalaz “Disruption” which I drew for clarity sake; “… The answer to “why this?” is this “pressing need within the psyche to break free from constricting identification with material reality and to experience the world of archetypal mind.”
Yep, that’s me! It’s been my story all of my life. Some of us are not here to attain “worldly success,” but are moved by other purposes – for self-realization, driven by the need to experience all the nooks and crannies of the inner darkness – for the purpose of Awakening.
Here are the words that I was given this morning in my daily practice to explain this time of “sitting in the soup” here, in this monastic cell of an RV that is my temporary retreat, where life has been brought down to a simple size and where there is room only for me and the Immensity of an all inspiring Source that has much to say to me – and to share with you, perhaps too!
The Inner Voice said:
“Don’t try to avoid or shut down the pain! Allow the full onslaught of the waves of internal angst – Meet the marauding invasive thoughts of fear and shame. Look for the gleanings of Awakening amidst the shatter. Gather these, like diamonds-in-the-rough and string them like pearls … and then wear them like a necklace, like a crown of Consciousness.
Explore each gleaning, every pearl of wisdom found in the fire – polish it and offer it as a gift of insight to those who want to know – who want to understand what it is to sit by the fires of hell and slowly burn … burning away the layers of unreality, the illusion and dross of denial … to burn until there is nothing left … of you … except an empty vessel, a holey cloth, shot full of holes – barely able to hold together, allowing the Light of Awareness, of New Dawning to pour through … and light up the World.”