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When is enough enough? How to be kind and still draw the line …

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On the path to peace, we encounter the struggle for balance between being consciously kind and loving and tolerating the intolerable. The Guiding Principles of Reality teach us that Love is the answer … that there is a gift in every single encounter, including the most painful ones. The principles emphasize that we must give up blame to find the peace and resolution we seek. And so we, in our efforts to comply with the principles, grit our teeth behind frozen smiles, and with stilted breath, put on an outer appearance of what we think it looks like to be forgiving. Because we SHOULD forgive … And we want to  – sometimes …

What does it mean to practice forgiveness, and how do we do it? Forgiveness is the act of looking at the other person with a detached understanding that they are acting as they do out of their own painful beliefs. The primary state of mind required for forgiveness is a committed inner refusal to take what the other person does personally. Their behavior is not about US, but about the story they are telling themselves (about us). We do not have to jump into the role they assign us and play it out with them.

WE ALWAYS HAVE THE CHOICE TO STAY AND PLAY THE PAINFUL PART WE’VE BEEN ASSIGNED OR OPT OUT.

HOWEVER …

Being a conduit for Love and forgiving others does not mean that we are to tolerate maltreatment from them. In Reality, love sometimes comes guised as a terrible event, turns on one sharply and delivers a sort of  “shaktipat,” or sudden, even “rude” awakening. Sometimes Love prompts us to take action that may land the other in jail, or left behind, feeling rejected, and unfairly treated. Sometimes Love requires we play the part of the “bad guy” in even our closest relationships.

Sometimes Love is the willingness to let them be angry with us – without needing to relent or fix it for them. We recognize anger as a place on the road and their right …

Here are some examples of times when being loving may not look like loving kindness at all:

Our child is speaking disrespectfully using loud and inappropriate language … suddenly he draws back his fist as if to punch us …

It is not loving or forgiving to tolerate destructive behavior. We can detach from the behavior by reminding ourselves that he is into his own unhappy story … but understanding that does not mean there doesn’t need to be immediate consequential action taken – BECAUSE we love him! And because we love him, we do not want to leave him with the impression that inappropriate behavior works for him or others! For indeed, in Reality, such behavior brings harsh consequences – and we don’t want that for our children … so we stand in “NO.”

We can empathize and understand; we can forgive, as well as feel great compassion towards those around us, when they act out of their self-destructive patterns, but it is NOT a loving act to tolerate unloving acts from others.

Our boyfriend comes over drunk again …

We used to threaten, cajole, and manipulate, using every resource we knew to get him to stop drinking – until finally, after years of working on our own process of recovery, we have come to accept that he is who he is, and does what he does because he believes and thinks the way he does … and we stopped taking it so personal … but let’s say that today was different – this time when he came in drunk, hurled insults, and vomited on the new rug we notice a different response arise in us.  It’s not anger particularly, more like tired,  It’s not a lack of love that we feel … there’s even compassion towards him because we have finally come to accept that he cannot stop doing what he does until he’s ready, and we have also come to realize that it’s not our business anyway. We have stopped blaming him, ourselves, his unhappy childhood, whatever… AND at the same time we know in that innermost “knowing” part of us that it’s time to move on. We are simply ready to go.

It takes a long time to come to a point where we can appreciate the gifts of insight and personal growth that painful interpersonal dynamics can bring us. When we do finally see it, our ability to feel grateful expands exponentially … we start seeing the awesome opportunities for growth these challenging relationships have offered us and since we know there’s nothing in our life that we didn’t attract vibrationally we trust that whatever it is, it is in our life for our own good. And we have permission to move on when we’re done to the next set of life-expanding lessons. When it’s time to tell him, we do it from a space of love, rather than blame, with gentle firmness in our tone. Even if he blames or threatens, because that’s the way he handles things … we remain kind in our relentless decision to do the most loving thing for us both … which is to walk away… because to stay is unkind to both ourselves and to him.

 

THE UNIVERSAL LAW SAYS WHEN WE DO WHAT’S TRULY BEST FOR OURSELVES, IT IS ULTIMATELY WHAT’S BEST FOR THOSE AROUND US TOO.

 

Our ex-boyfriend has been physically violent with uS in the past, and we put a restraining order on him requiring he keep a clearly stated distance from us – now he is standing at our door, begging us to forgive him and to let him in.

With kind detachment, we observe his inability to respect the boundaries outlined by the restraining order – without judging him for it. Nonetheless we realize that if he cannot honor the law, he certainly cannot be trusted to handle being let into our home. We see the potential set-up for both of us if we fail to hold firm in our resolve.

IF we do not deliver the consequences outlined for his violation of the order placed upon him, there’s a strong likelihood that he will do it again and again … nothing has changed. To participate with him in his flagrant disregard for the restrictions placed upon him by the legal restraint is not a loving thing to do for him. It is more likely a reaction driven by fear, or guilt, or pity … but certainly not from love. Only when we are ready to mean what we say, and, in fact, because we see that the kinder thing to do for him is to stand firm in refusing to open the door, and by following through on what the civil order calls for, we demonstrate to him that we are serious about taking care of ourselves, which encourages him to take us more seriously too. We recognize that following through on what we said we would do is indeed the most loving thing we can do to help not only ourselves, but it helps him to move on too.

Love does not reinforce negative behavior, but calls it for what it is … how do we know when it’s necessary to call someone on their behavior? Simply put, when they are standing on our toes!

Think about it, if someone is standing on our feet would we stand there and say nothing? Is it kind or loving to tolerate their oppressive weight – is it loving towards them to tolerate their thoughtless unconsciousness towards us? How is that kind – to us or them?

WHEN WE BECOME DOORMATS FOR THOSE AROUND US WE ARE NOT BEING KIND TO OURSELVES. IN FACT WE ABANDON OURSELVES AND TEACH THEM TO TREAT US SIMILARLY. THIS CAN NEVER PRODUCE FORGIVENESS.

We can forgive them for what they do, and go on loving them, even as we proclaim, “OUCH! Get off my feet!” 🙂

As soon as we make our point  … without blaming them, or ourselves, we return to a state of peace and acceptance of what is. There is no need to hold grudges … or to punish them, because we realize to do so only keeps us in an unfriendly state of consciousness that causes us to suffer! So we accept them where they are, and we make our choices about whether to stay or go based on what’s best for us both.

We see that they react – only always – from their own beliefs … which means that if they believe they must stand on us to feel better about themselves … they will go on doing it – especially if we don’t insist otherwise.

And if they cannot abide by appropriate boundaries, whatever their excuses, we may decide to love them from a distance. Our response is a firm withdrawal from the line of fire, based on our recognition that we must model the respect for ourselves we long to receive from them. Sometimes it’s kinder to “yank the band-aid off” all at once than it is to go on putting off the inevitable. So we don’t hang around waiting for the right moment for them to understand why we do what we do before we take action … if the situation calls for it – for instance, if the physical safety of ourselves or our children is at risk – we consider it legitimate to RUN … whether we choose to stand firm or sneak out the back, we do whatever is necessary to take care of ourselves … Regardless of how they see it, we know we are doing what is ultimately best and therefore most loving when we protect ourselves from harm and them from harming us.

However, while we may find it necessary to take outer immediate, even drastic, action, we none the less have one eye turned inward, looking for what it is in ourselves that is in need of refinement; we search for what in our relationship with ourselves needs to be reframed. For instance, we ask, what in  us is being played out for our “viewing pleasure” through the situation? Rather than to blame them for our unhappiness, or ourselves for getting into such a painful situation, we take appropriate action to take care of ourselves. And we look within to find the reasons we needed to experience this particular set of circumstances. Rather than to blame ourselves, we see all of our encounters as opportunities to refine our consciousness and to enrich our relationship with ourselves, and the Universe.

So even though we may be running hard … we simultaneously feel immense gratitude, for these powerful growth opportunities that life brings, and for having good strong legs that can hold us up and/or run hard and fast when that’s what’s called for!  😉

 

Read FACES OF VICTIM to better understand the dynamics and roles we play in the cycle of dysfunction and abuse.

We can build new neural pathways by repetitively downloading the seed thoughts and guiding principles that return us to Reality and peace. NeuroCue has created a phone app that offers The Reality Formula: Stepping Stones to Peace for helping you build a new response to life rather than resort to the old painfully destructive mental habits that hold us prisoner to negative reactivity.

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter To A Perpetrator

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Recently the life of a friend, and fellow wayfarer on the path to consciousness, was taken by an act of ruthless brutality. In our struggle to understand how such a bright light could be so suddenly snuffed out by one whose thinking is clearly distorted … and left with questions like, “how do we even begin to think of forgiving? Is it permissible even, much less possible, to forgive someone who ends a life, especially of someone we love? If not, then are we obligated to despise them forever, to build a wall of hatred between us, in some crazy effort to punish the perpetrator, or protect ourselves from him? And don’t we end up then, by insisting on wearing the armor of hate, become just as mad and distorted as we accuse them of being?

If I could speak to the perpetrator of my friend’s death, here is what I imagine I’d like to say:

Dear Perpetrator,

I speak to you, not as your judge, but as a fellow sufferer who knows a little about what it is to torment oneself with thoughts of rejection, isolation, jealousy, and revenge. Truly the only difference between you and me may be simply that I have a set of tools that allows me to step back from destructively reacting so that I can see what my thoughts are doing to me, rather than to blindly react out of them with unfortunate, even disasterous results.

Like you and every other human being on planet Earth, I, too, do what I do because I believe what I think. This is because the feelings that drive our behavior are generated by our thoughts – only always! So when we believe what we’re thinking, we feel and act as if what we think is true which means we automatically act in ways that bring us the very results we expect, and thus prove our unhappy story to be true.

Applying this idea to the way we perceive life changes everything – but the truth is that most of us don’t even know we have that choice! We think that because we think a particular thought, it must be true! And we go off “half-cocked” as the saying goes, creating lives of misery and suffering for ourselves, simply because we assume the crazy thoughts we think are right. We never even question them.

But when we come to understand that it is not not what happens outside us that causes our feelings, but the thoughts we think ABOUT those happenings, we can begin to move towards sanity and forgiveness, which is essential for inner peace.

Forgiveness, simply put, means to let go of  the unhappy, crazy-making stories we are holding onto, so we can begin to heal our minds and return to Reality – which is life as it is without an unhappy story attached.

Of course, when we feel deep down inside that we have committed the unforgivable, and that there is no hope for us, we cannot forgive, i.e. “let go of” our unhappy story because we need it desperately to justify why we did what we did! Oh woe on us when we decide we cannot be forgiven! Such a decision dooms us to a life of acting in ways that can only further prove how hopelessly unforgivable we are, and thus rob us of the love and respect for which we so desperately yearn.

There is never a peaceful moment within us from that day forward … until, or unless, we can come to recognize that there is only one true reason we do what we do – EVER – and that’s because we believe what we think … and as long as we go on thinking the way we do, we are doomed to act out in unhappy, often destructive, ways.

The truth is that it’s never too late to take steps to extricate ourselves from the internal Hell we have created by believing our excruciatingly painful thoughts. Forgiveness is the only way we can begin to mend our minds and hearts that have become shattered by extremely painful thoughts. Self-forgiveness is the only thing that can return us to peace.

My hope and prayer is that you find the peace that forgiveness can bring. I hold that as a possibility for you. I believe that is what our friend, your beloved, whose life you took, would want us both to do … to forgive you. She would want that for you, and for the children who lost not only their mother, but you, their father, as well.  This too must be forgiven by you, if they are to be able to forgive you, or themselves, for hating you, the father they love.

It’s a gutsy choice to make … the decision to give up blame (of oneself really, that blame that is then projected out onto the other in the form of accusation, simply to escape self-hatred), and to forgive. It takes a lot of courage to be more involved in looking for and owning our own part in the happenings of our life than we are to blame others for our pain. It starts with the realization that it is OUR thoughts, not what anyone else says or does, that determines our emotional state.

I do not know if this level of self-responsibility is something you are ready to do now – or ever. Reality always wins, that I do know – which means we will harvest the outcome tomorrow of the thoughts we believe today (The Law of Cause & Effect).

To get started on the path to forgiveness, we start with a simple question … ask it immediately upon the first sign of emotional distress … the question we must ask ourselves are: “Is this thought I am thinking Reality? Do I know that absolutely?”

My challenge is essentially the same as yours … I too must forgive … you?  Yes, but I know that to do that I must start with owning that part of myself that, like you, can get so confused in my thinking that I act in ways I later deeply regret. That is the story you mirror to me … By questioning it, I am able to apply the Guiding Principles and return to Reality and sanity. My unhappy story begins to dissolve in the light of day.

In essence, we forgive others, because we need forgiveness too. We forgive because to do so sets us free and delivers us to peace. We do it because it’s the kindest, most healing thing to give ourselves and the world around us, because a soul at peace with Self is a peaceful soul.

May you find peace.

Blessings,

 

 

 

How can abused children choose their feelings?

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In response to Angela, a subscriber, who wanted to know how the idea that our feelings come from what we think, not what happens to us, applies to children:

As children, the principle that we feel the way we do because we believe what we think, was equally applicable, it’s just that nobody told us that! So, we, like everyone else around us, blindly believed that what we thought, no matter how painful, was true, and then we naturally blamed what was said or done in the outside world as the reason for our misery and suffering. There was no one to tell us any different – it’s simply what we all did … and do!

This habitual way of seeing the world, though distorted, is nonetheless the way the majority of the world sees life – it is a victim’s consciousness.

Children can get through incredible abuse relatively functional, simply because they naturally looked for a way of framing it that helped them rise above it, reframe it. We have labels for this … and often we see it as a problem. We call it denial, and dissociation, etc … and begin to see the child through a lens that says they have been eternally damaged, a message we pass on to the child via our well-intentioned efforts to fix them, which only more strongly convinces the child that your opinion about them is true (as outlined above). Once we take on a belief system about ourselves, (I’m damaged for life, for instance) we automatically feel and act the part of the forever-ruined-wounded-one-who-cannot-have-a-normal-life. Needless to say, we become quite convincing – to ourselves as well as to those around us.

Imagine a child who knows what causes their feelings (their own thoughts) … Instead of blaming the world, they would be questioning their own thoughts, and looking for ways to move to happier ground that does not make it about them – This, I think is what was modeled through the life of Jesus, who though undergoing extreme victimization never succumbed to victim consciousness. I believe he could do this because he did not take on the confused thinking of the world around him. He did not focus on how he was abused, misunderstood, etc… he did not cry, “Unfair” though clearly what was done to him was pure injustice and perverse abuse.

Instead, Jesus saw himself as going through something he came here, having agreed to endure, for a higher purpose. This is my highest aspiration for myself and those I work with who have been abused. To encourage a child, or the child in us, to see that it is not what happened to us that determines our feelings about ourselves and the world, but what we do with those happenings in our own mind that determines our direction.

No amount of railing about how it should have been will heal … all that works is a decision to turn whatever life hands us into an opportunity for our own personal refinement. We are meeting the obstacles in life that end up pointing us to our very life mission – or not. It depends. Do we use the happenings as proof of our unworthiness – of our defectiveness? Or do we turn it towards life purpose? This is the choice that every one of us have the right to know is ours … and so I share it with you. 🙂

I am not saying there are no victims … I AM saying that we get to choose whether to see ourselves as one. We choose, consciously or not, how we see ourselves and our life situations, as well as how we see children who have endured abuse. We can see them either as hapless victims who have been damaged for life by what they went through, or as souls who have been made stronger, tempered in the fires, towards becoming more of what they came to be and do. We do everything we can to protect them … and when abuse happens, and it does, and always has, for this is Reality, we share with them a way of seeing it that takes them to a stronger place.

Just to offer those of us who have experienced abuse another way of seeing … but only if we want peace.

Blessings, Lynne

Did I do the right thing in leaving (or staying)?

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Have you left a relationship and now find yourself wondering if it was the right thing to do?

It’s simple really. How can you know that you should have left? Because you did. How do you know you should stay? Because you’re still there. When you find yourself walking out the door, you know it’s time to go. Chances are, no matter how much you think you should go, you will not … so you have a choice. You can either make peace with staying, or torment yourself for it … it’s up to you because no amount of regret or guilt will change what is.

You can feel absolutely sure that the relationship needs to end – but the truth is, whatever happens, it can only happen right on time in a world where there are no coincidences or mistakes. Perhaps you, like me, have noticed that we can’t make ourselves leave something until we’re ready to go? I have. No amount of believing it should be different, that we should or shouldn’t tolerate it, can make us leave before we’re ready to go.

And the opposite is equally true. Nothing can keep us from leaving once we’re set to go. No amount of promises from the other, no amount of trying to talk ourselves into staying because we don’t have “good enough” reason to leave can alter our decision to move on once we’re set to go.

I’ve learned to trust what my feet are doing, which is to say, I’ve come to trust in my own innate sense of timing. I trust that no matter how painful staying may be, for instance, I cannot leave until I have learned what I need to from the situation. The challenge is to accept where we are, trusting that there is a reason for it, and that the reason is FOR us – for our growth and enlightenment – and not some form of punishment or self-abuse.

So we stay until we don’t anymore. Why, because that’s what we do. It’s Reality. When we have learned what the other has to teach us we may find ourselves moving on. As long as we need the lesson they have come into our lives to teach us, we will find ourselves staying. It has nothing to do with the amount of pain involved, but with the inner-reflection made possible through the other.

I’ve noticed that no amount of badgering ourselves (or others) for staying in a painful relationship causes us to change it. I’ve known people who stayed in what appeared to be truly punishing relationships for years even as they beat themselves up for being there. What they were failing to notice is how well the relationship was working to mirror the way they abused themselves!

What a powerful teacher relationships are! They unfailingly serve to reflect to us our relationship with ourselves. They show us how we treat, think, and feel about ourselves. This is the sacred function of an abusive relationship. How else can we see how we are treating ourselves except by observing how others treat us?

What we can do in the meantime is to practice accepting ourselves where we are in our relationship RIGHT NOW. Instead of guilt or remorse, practice looking for the messages being reflected by the other. Look for what you resist in your mate, allow yourself to see it as an arrow pointing to that part in you that is asking for love and acceptance.

Practice trusting where you are to be exactly where you need to be to deepen self-acceptance and right relationship.In essence, trust your comings and your goings to be innately inspired and ultimately FOR you.

Blessings,

Everything our children need to know can be learned at the dinner table …

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By Lynne Forrest

We discount a natural, powerful, highly effective tool for teaching our kids essential skills for life, when we fail to use food and the ritual of family mealtime to support life lessons. We have this powerful motivator called food readily available to us for teaching purposes, if we but knew to take advantage of it! After all, every human being must eat EVERY DAY to live. What better way to inspire our children to cooperate and take responsibility for themselves than by using the incentive of hunger and good food to eat?

Why not use this daily ritual and favorite pastime of most humans, for instruction? Not just to teach them to ‘eat their veggies,’ but also to show them how to come into healthier relationships with themselves, their family, and the world?

Before I go further, let me explain that our ultimate goal for each and every child is to offer them tools that will prepare them to live life in Reality, and thrive. Daniel and I recognize that every moment is a teaching moment with children; and that desire is the motivation behind everything we do with children.

Repeatedly, we have found that mealtime offers the BEST teaching moments for kids. For one thing, when kids come to the table hungry (meaning they haven’t been nibbling on snacks all morning), we have their complete attention.
We ask them to eat salad, or the healthier foods first. We find it best to start with SMALL SERVINGS (we set ourselves up for failure when we ask our children to eat a plate of food based on adult size portions). A couple of bits of lettuce, a little chunk of tomato, a black olive, two bites of carrot, etc. serves as a salad for a 3 to 8 year old (they can always request more after they have eaten what’s been served them).

We teach children that they have the same choice that all humans have, to either go along with Reality, or to resist it. Resisting Reality hurts more. This is true whether we are 10 or 60 years old. We can fight against Reality, but sooner or later, we start to notice that Reality wins – every time. And no amount of our blustering against it changes that simple fact. So, again, we get to decide whether to go on fighting against it, OR to find a way to not only make peace with the way things are, but to even learn how to use the way things are to work for us! This is the road to peace.

To children, we, as parents and caregivers, are their Reality. How we interact with them teaches them what to expect from the world. When we ask our children to eat everything on their plate, but then don’t hold firm with that expectation, we teach them that resisting Reality works. The more we cave in on boundaries set, rules established, or consequences promised, but undelivered, the more we reinforce the unhappy belief that they can outsmart, outwit, beg, plead, whine or weep enough, and Reality will give them what they want.
But you and I know that is not usually the case outside the shelter of the family. When we as parents can no longer shape, soften, manipulate our children’s reality to make it more comfortable for them, the world steps in and is not nearly so kind. Suddenly, our children find themselves, as adults, feeling battered by life as a result of throwing themselves headfirst against the walls of Reality, trying to win a battle they can never win; instead they only hurt themselves, and those who try to rescue them.

Making peace with Reality is just one of the many lessons our kids can learn at mealtime.
We ask our children to eat healthy food whether they like it or not, simply because it is fuel and medicine for the body. It is part of what they must do to learn how to take proper care of themselves. And we ask them to eat their food whether they like it or not, because we understand that Reality often asks us to “swallow” things in life that we don’t necessarily like, and it is important to learn how to make peace with it, as a kinder way to treat ourselves.

Here’s a sample lesson offered during mealtime that occurred at our most recent family weekend intensive.

It was at lunch the first day of our Victim Free Parenting Retreat, and the nine year old spoke to me with wonder in his voice, “How do you know this stuff? I never heard any of this before!” I had simply asked him if it was the beans on his fork that was making him hold his nose, or if it was the thought, “beans make me sick” that had him doing it. I followed with another question for this precious nine year old genius, who had decided he could not, no way, no-how, eat the beans that had been served to him for lunch. “What would be different right now, do you suppose, about those five black beans on your fork if you weren’t thinking the thought, “beans make me sick?” Immediately he said, “Well I probably wouldn’t be holding my nose, would I?”

“Hmmm … probably not!” I replied, “did you know that you don’t have to believe what you think about beans? You could make friends with your beans instead!”

Suddenly he SAW it! He had a choice! We both laughed out loud. It took a few minutes for him to translate the lesson to the fork, but he did, and before we knew it, the whole group was celebrating with him his choice to cooperate with Reality by eating his beans! But none were as proud of his accomplishment as he was for himself! He had chosen to make peace with the Reality of beans for lunch!

Nobody forced him to eat his beans; he had the right, we informed him, to choose not to eat them (and we would understand, there was no punishment, no judgment for his choice). However, all choices carry consequences (another life lesson learned at the dinner table) and we must pay the price for whatever choice we make. To choose not to eat his beans meant he would have to miss out on the activities planned for the afternoon, until and unless he chose to eat them.
This precocious nine year old chose to eat the beans on his plate BECAUSE he preferred the consequence of that choice, which was a chance to participate with his friends that afternoon in fun activities!
He, like each of us must,learned that when we choose to go along with Reality, we are happy, and when we choose to resist Reality, we suffer. It’s that simple. This nine year old was learning something that many of us, as adults, have not yet realized.
This is one true example of life lessons learned at mealtime. Here are some other lessons we can teach at mealtimes:

How to prepare food, season it, it’s medicinal value, and what part of the body it benefits
How to listen to the body, and discipline the senses
How to befriend Reality
How to be a good listener
Gratitude for what we have
How to share
Politeness and good manners
Appropriate boundaries & respect
How to prepare good food
Self-control & self-discipline
Acceptance of Reality (“No, you cannot have something else to eat, this is what we’re having.”)
How to be a good helper & team player
Spiritual connection through family bonding
Obedience and cooperation
… and much more!

Family’s that come together at mealtime, even two or three times a week, offer a place of connection where real life happens – a place where important lessons of life can be taught in words, but more importantly, lessons are shared through the use of Reality based tools that can be ‘served up’ along with good, nutritious food at mealtime.

So much can be accomplished at mealtime that you may find it worthy of the time and effort involved in preparing a meal to sit down together with your family for a life of learning that will feed us, and our children, for a lifetime.

For more articles on raising kids in Reality, check out our Reality Formula for Kids™ at www.realityformula.com

 

 

 

 

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