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In Our Mad Attempts to Stop the Pain

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We all have our ways of “not going there” – of trying to avoid feeling the inner pain brought on by our losses and difficult transitions. And – please don't get me wrong! I understand! Believe me!

I have had my own ways of medicating and numbing to the pain in my efforts to keep from falling into the vat of inner darkness left over from things unresolved and un-faced within the psyche. I know what it is to push myself over the rim and into the vat of pain as if I am some kind of glutton for it,  and then try to scramble my way out of the soup I've dropped myself into.

I've recently done just that – in saying good-bye to a relationship I did not want to let go of … This morning as I sat with the loss, I asked myself, WHO in me it is that insists on pushing me into the “hot soup” of life experience? Why can't I let myself accept the offer of a cozy nest of numb comfort, where I might be “wrapped in swaddling” and “protected” from the storms of Life? Why can't I settle for that?

The answer that presented itself in response to that question is summed up beautifully in The Book Of Rune Cards, in the description of the Rune card, Hagalaz “Disruption” which I drew for clarity sake; “… The answer to “why this?” is this “pressing need within the psyche to break free from constricting identification with material reality and to experience the world of archetypal mind.”

Yep, that's me! It's been my story all of my life. Some of us are not here to attain “worldly success,” but are moved by other purposes – for self-realization, driven by the need to experience all the nooks and crannies of the inner darkness – for the purpose of Awakening.

Here are the words that I was given this morning in my daily practice to explain this time of “sitting in the soup” here, in this monastic cell of an RV that is my temporary retreat, where life has been brought down to a simple size and where there is room only for me and the Immensity of an all inspiring Source that has much to say to me – and to share with you, perhaps too!

The Inner Voice said:

“Don't try to avoid or shut down the pain! Allow the full onslaught of the waves of internal angst – Meet the marauding invasive thoughts of fear and shame. Look for the gleanings of Awakening amidst the shatter.  Gather these, like diamonds-in-the-rough and string them like pearls … and then wear them like a necklace, like a crown of Consciousness.

Explore each gleaning, every pearl of wisdom found in the fire – polish it and offer it as a gift of insight to those who want to know – who want to understand what it is to sit by the fires of hell and slowly burn … burning away the layers of unreality, the illusion and dross of denial … to burn until there is nothing left … of you … except an empty vessel, a holey cloth, shot full of holes – barely able to hold together, allowing the Light of Awareness, of New Dawning to pour through … and light up the World.”

 

Polarities Exist In All Things Created …

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Everything is held together by sets of polarities – of positive/negative poles that create the tension between opposites necessary for life to manifest as reality.

For instance, the opposites, doubt and certainty are  necessary opposites in the Awakening process. Doubt coupled with fear becomes blind reaction which we often deem as bad, and try to repress or eliminate. We do not think to ask why we react the way we do, or what is moving us.

Moving back and forth between Certainty and Doubt produces a third point – an “other” is formed,  to become a point of center between the two – we call it “Discretion.” Discretion is the “balance that brings about a happy” marriage between the opposing duality of Doubt and Certainty. It completes the opposites and brings them into a trinity. In this particular polarity, the marriage is complete when Doubt aligns with Reality/Certainty, and become an observer that sees, questions, and absorbs, our challenging life events instead of going into a negative rant of blame and shut down in reaction to them.

As observers we learn to place a seed of doubt between us and our blindly believed concepts and world perspectives, by using a question.

We learn to question, thereby “tasting” everything that sets off an inner alarm; we hold the questionable in our mouth and “taste it” just enough in our minds, to determine whether it brings us resonance or dissonance – “Does it take me up or down low?” we learn to ask. This practice allows us to consciously choose whether to swallow down the dissonant perspective being offered, or to spit it out .

This defines my Awakening Life. I taste with doubt, cautiously chew on it until I decide if I want to swallow it and make it part of me , or if it is of a flavor that rings bitter … in which case, I may decide to spit it out for something kinder … sweeter.  Or not!

I may decide to swallow it whole instead, and take its ride! My choice. Ours is the gift of “free will”; It's totally up to me and you to decide!

This describes the marriage between Certainty and Doubt, whose third and “other” is Discretion. This duality-made-trinity is just one of the plethora of polarities we dance between everyday!

Are you watching?

Why not learn to ally with your opposites so that they become just one more tool of transformation to apply in the process of your continued Awakening?

 

 

To My Son, Upon The Occasion Of Your Death …

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To My Son, upon hearing the news of you lying in coma after a massive heart attack requiring reoccurring resuscitations, I fell to my mat in shock, and despair … and found there what I needed to move forward another day…

My son, my son, I have to let you go! How else am I going to live through the eminence of your death? I have to live on if you die and yet I can not live and give you up! And so I asked, that morning on my mat, “How can I give you up and not lose you too?

And I was shown a Way.

I was shown on the screen of my own mind my choices and where they would lead, so that I could better choose how not to lose.

I saw the dance between opposites play out In my mind, and watched the two impossible extremes turn into an acceptable, highly sacred, flow between “both and …
All in a flash I could envision your body gone, but yet YOU –  your Essence – kept alive and well. I saw me taking our relationship deep inside – to an inner room in my heart/mind – where only you abide. I could see me going there whenever I please – say every morning we might meet for tea  – and visit together – just you and me.

Or … I could go the other extreme:
I could grieve my life away. Tell myself I lost you forever … and that you were gone away to stay – or at least until some impossible future in which I could hardly believe.

I made my choice that very moment on my morning mat. I chose to believe what I am learning – may I never cease – and to live in the Reality of you and me together, become one – as we were in the beginning. Remember? When you lived inside me, but that time in my belly? 🙂

I decided that if I must give you up then I must keep you alive, in my heart this time, and not in my belly – but also in my mind. For there, in that sacred inner space, you, my precious son, can never leave me – nor I, you, for that matter. As long as we love one another, we will remain connected forever. Why wouldn't I choose that?

So I made the choice for Reality which is for Life Everlasting and there being no mistake; even our death is for our own sake. And I let you go, and it shredded my heart even as it lifted me high. I was free from the binds of a limited thought of you existing only in flesh, and opened instead to you with me forever in now.

At that precise moment you appeared. Animated and vibrant you spoke, answered my questions and validated the Truth I had chosen as the Way I want to walk.

And we shared together, and you reassured as I wept, and my eyes feasted upon the vibrant aliveness of you, as I held you close – all of this inside within my heart. My heart cracked open to become fertile ground for our love of one another, and the World  – and the knowing that It too dwells within The Mind, and as so, we are all One. Separation is a lie.

I realized at that moment, as I gazed upon you,, that wherever we go we are forever together. Wherever we are we are but a thought away from being side by side. We are One.

And then you were returned to stand in the flesh and allow me to witness your beautiful soul embodied in a body that has returned to serve. And it looks as though we may have a walk here to do together as we share our news with those who come hungry to know.

I am totally blessed by the son you are, and the master you are becoming.  I love you forever.

Mama

The Miracles of Life Held In the Balance: Andrew’s Journey Home …

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Perhaps you have heard? My son, Andrew had a major heart attack Friday night, March 3rd, 2017. He would not be here today if Brett had not been by his side at the time it happened and so was able, by taking immediate action, to keep his heart beating until more help could arrive.  The Medics resuscitated him by defibrillator, but it took five attempts to get his heart beating again. Among the many miracles that have taken place over the ensuing days, among them was this immediate and excellent intervention Andrew got from the beginning which kept him from having to go more than five minutes without oxygen to the brain, a major determiner in the outcome of such episodes.

From Brett, his partner, to the EMT's that kept him alive until they got him to Bayshore Hospital and into the hands of the amazing heart surgery team that spent the next two hours working on him, opening up the blockages, to reestablish oxygen flow, by placing three stints in the right main ventricular artery – and then, fearing brain damage, they dropped him into a hypothermia-induced coma, before turning him over to the incredible round- the-clock care of well-trained and deeply compassionate nurses who tended him 24/7 – All of it flowed, as if it were planned;..  All of the necessary systems were in place, right on time, to give him the best care possible!  And then, we, his family and loved ones, were left to see if he would return to us.

From the first day I knew, before the doctors and nurses even dared to hope, that Andrew would return to us. He let me know during the first morning after his attack that he was alive and well in a body lying in deep rest! I stayed in communication with him and continue to connect with him every day during my morning practice. From this place I get the real scoop on what is going on with my son. He came through strong and focused from the first morning, letting me know he was definitely coming back to complete his earth mission. He was planning to not only return to us, but to return stronger, more intentional and focused than ever. I was impressed intuitively with understanding what and why this death/rebirth initiation was necessary for his own soul's expansion. My fear for his life was greatly eased by the inner connection that Andrew and I have maintained.

So when the nurses cautioned us not to expect too much, that once they began to decrease the medication that was holding his systems in suspension it would probably be  2-3 days, and perhaps longer, before he would be able to come up from his state of coma. (After 3 days, we were told, serious brain damage is presumed) and even then, the verdict was out still on whether he would be able to return to normal functioning.

But I was receiving a different message; I did not believe for a moment that he would  nor return, and I could also feel his impatience in wanting to resurface to get started on initiating the next leg of his life plan. I warned the nursing staff that they might well be the ones who would be surprised because, I told them,  “he is, in fact, impatient to return.”  And I encouraged them to be ready for him to rouse SOON upon their easing up on the coma inducing drugs.

Meanwhile he had another heart attack. Another stint was put in. That was on the Sunday following the Friday night heart attack.

But then that Monday morning, just as he had conveyed he would, he returned. It was less than six hours after they began to decrease the drugs, those heavy immobilizing sedatives, that were holding him in coma, that he began to surface. He roused enough for the nurses and family  to relax around the fear of long term brain damage. He has been holding his own since, gaining strength and progressing daily. What a high moment! To see my son looking back at me again that miraculous Monday!

And the next day, Tuesday, I was sent to fulfill a work commitment in Copenhagen! The hardest choice I can remember ever making was mine to make … about whether to stay by my son's bedside or to go and fulfill my assignment. But every time I went into my morning practice to “present my case” for staying, I would come out knowing I was being told to go. I realized that I too was undergoing an initiation of my own. I was being asked to choose who I was going to serve, my fear-based story about what might happen, or Source. The task (test) for me was to choose whether I was going to really believe that my son was going to be ok, and in greater Hands than mine by going forward with my work, or whether I was going to let fear keep me from trusting Source.  I had been told he would come through – I saw that his soul was experiencing a necessary challenge FOR his ultimate good. Now it was up to me to trust that my being removed from his bedside at this moment was also in right order. I chose to demonstrate my faith by going,  And so, tearing myself away from my son that Tuesday morning after one last visit, when he actually opened his eyes, listened to me as I explained I would be gone a few days, and nodded in acknowledgment (another miracle), I flew to Copenhagen.

I have not returned home yet…  tomorrow is the day I am scheduled to leave here – but, again, as promised, my son is progressing, even through the little “bumps in the road.”

For instance, I learned while in Copenhagen, that Andrew's lung had collapsed. I shared the news with the awesome group of students I was working with here. I told them that the medical plan was to do a surgical process the following morning to re-inflate the lung, and asked them if they were willing to participate in a healing ritual for Andrew with me.

The group agreed to participate in the healing circle  that morning, and so  I led the group through what Jeff Primack, of Supreme Science Qigong, calls his “Nine Breath Method.” We directed our Breath towards a chair placed in the center of the circle while envisioning Andrew sitting in it, as we sent our breath into his lungs, seeing his lungs inflate with breath as we breathed for him all together.

Because of the time difference between where we were in Copenhagen and where Andrew was, this session was took place about 4 am, Andrew's time. When I checked in that afternoon, (which was still morning for Andrew) the medical staff informed me that his lungs had “somehow” inflated on their own during the night! Another miracle!

There are many lessons being experienced through this journey my son is on, not only for him, but for all us who have been touched by our compassion and love for Andrew. I share this account with you, thinking perhaps you too might receive a gift from it.

You see, it's not what happens to us, but what we DO with that happening that determines whether we are strengthened by the situation, or whether it takes us down the hole into the fear that accompanies victim consciousness.

All of us are on a journey Home … everything that happens on that road is FOR us, and serves us, in some way, as an opportunity to expand our understanding of, and to grow in our ability to trust the Universe to be exactly what we need it to be – FOR US!.
Blessings, Lynne

If you received something from this, and are inspired to help, please consider contributing to Andrew's Go Fund Me page:

Making The Bad Into Something Better …. All For The Sake Of Refinement …

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There are times when we may feel emotionally or verbally attacked by a friend or family member “out of nowhere.” Or perhaps you've watched yourself act out in a painful, destructive way.

Why do we suddenly strike out in such ways?  To put it simply,  it's because the unhappy story, which we assume is true, gets triggered. And when it does, we go into defense mode, which generally starts with blaming someone else for our pain and suffering.

For instance, we may believe that we are unlovable, therefore no one can be trusted, or that the world is dangerous and everybody is out to hurt us or take something away from us; those sort of beliefs bring on feelings of distrust, resentment, and paranoia and then we automatically act in ways that will prove our unhappy story to be true. So this means that if we go in to knee jerk reaction when our friend or loved one is triggered and jumps down our throat, and we react defensively, we actually only help them prove their own unhappy story to be true, which then gives them justification (at least in their mind) to retaliate. The war is on!

Bottom line is that once we understand this, it allows us a conscious choice: A) We can go into full blown react, see ourselves as being at the mercy of their outrageous behavior (victim) and jump on the Victim Triangle with them, or B) We can choose to see them as our present opportunity for refinement. 😊

The challenge is to learn to be kind to both ourselves AND them.

Seek to see the story behind the reaction and use that understanding to better respond (rather than to react) from a place of self-responsibility and kindness – towards the other as well as towards yourself.

Remember it's not a question of whether or not to tolerate abuse at the hands of another – of course we don't set ourselves up to be someone's whipping post, however, rather than trying to control or change the other persons behavior (good luck with that! ;)) we learn to focus instead on refining our own consciousness by learning to practice becoming the best and highest example of Reality and peace possible.

This may sound like a tall order – but really is it any harder than the misery and prolonged suffering we create for one another when we react blindly our of our unhappy stories instead?

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