On the effort of making me right

I was telling you about the other evening in the water gar­den when I real­ized I was tor­ment­ing myself with the thought, “I should be different,” — remember? Well, there’s more aware­ness that came for me that evening.

Flowers

Creative Commons License photo credit: won­der­fer­ret

For instance, while real­iz­ing what I was doing to myself by demand­ing that I be some­one dif­fer­ent, an anal­ogy came to mind: I saw an image rep­re­sent­ing the self I thought I should be. It was a beau­ti­ful, multi-colored glass sphere, and then I saw another image; it was an “unwieldy and thick, sort of square job” that I decided rep­re­sents the real­ity of me as I really am — it was by no means as attrac­tive as the translu­cent globe I aspired to be!

Rubix.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Offline due to heavy work­load Lighthelper :)

So, not only was I think­ing I should be dif­fer­ent but I was also appar­ently believ­ing that I was sup­posed to be the one who made me dif­fer­ent; I thought it was my job to some­how turn me into this appeal­ing round shape that I thought I “should” be.

I sud­denly real­ized that I also thought that by becom­ing that round, shiny pres­ence I would some­how be more pleas­ing to God. (Yes I know, you’re right … I was pre­sum­ing to know what I needed to be and do to make God happy! Like, who needs God when I’m busy doing his job for Him of decid­ing what I should be! :) )

Nonethe­less, there in my mind I could see this clear per­fect image of the me I should be; it was the per­fect me alright! Me at the right size and the per­fect weight, with per­fect fea­tures, a per­fect char­ac­ter, me as a beau­ti­ful expres­sion of Source energy, with­out flaw or blem­ish or blun­der of any kind.

And lord have I ever tried to become that! I work so hard at it some­times that I exhaust myself from the effort. I often wear myself out try­ing to force myself to become some ideal self I think I need to be to be right for God. That relent­less pum­mel­ing effort, I real­ized, was what I was suf­fer­ing from now.

But no mat­ter how badly I want it, no mat­ter how relent­less my efforts have been, no mat­ter how dili­gent my inten­tions are, no mat­ter how much I berate, pum­mel and demand it, I have not been able to pound myself into the required round­ness. My stub­born angu­lar­ity holds firm. There is no “sand­ing my cor­ners smooth” to fit the image of who I “need to be” to serve the pur­poses of Source (by-the-way, I also pre­sume to know what his pur­poses for me and oth­ers are!) I have yet to be able to turn me into that beau­ti­ful round shape that I demand I become!

And on top of it all, it appears there’s also a part of me that believes, along with the other trou­bling beliefs men­tioned above, that I must become that glow­ing round­ness if I am ever to qual­ify for the Uni­ver­sal bless­ings of accep­tance, grace and bounty that I desire! OUCH!

Inevitably my fail­ure to shape me into that spec­tac­u­lar round­ness leads to pro­found feel­ings of inad­e­quacy and hope­less­ness; my fail­ure to mold me into the “right” shape leaves me feel­ing anx­ious and sad and I find myself think­ing thoughts like, “I am a fail­ure. I must be weak, I’m not right some­how, I’m just intrin­si­cally defective.”

Sooner or later such thoughts take over the mind. This is the inevitable path that I think, not only I, but most of us take inter­nally when­ever we believe the universal-core-belief-that-all-humans-suffer from that says, “I should be different.”

But there’s more! On that same day I had another pro­found insight into my own, and what I believe to be basic human nature; it was a real­iza­tion that brought me to my knees about what auto­mat­i­cally hap­pens when I fail at being able to force myself into being the round­ness I think I should be …

I’ll share that real­iza­tion with you next… stay tuned!

Bless­ings, Lynne

3 Responses to On the effort of making me right
  1. Kate
    October 8, 2010 | 10:36 am

    Holy Smokes! What you are talk­ing about is some­thing that also tugs upon my heart regard­ing my own lack of trust in The One Who takes it upon Him­self to be the Pot­ter of my Clay. This is a quote from an arti­cle that has peeked my inter­est called ‘Coun­sel­ing the Idol­a­trous Fam­ily’ by David Sher­man: “Idol­a­try is a prison of the unre­gen­er­ate mind. It is the direct result of pur­su­ing or hav­ing our legit­i­mate needs for love, affec­tion and approval met by some­one or thing through means other than God’s prov­i­den­tial care.” For me, this hits the nail on the head for many times I doubt this Lov­ing All the time Prov­i­den­tial Pres­ence and con­stant Care in my life.
    Keep on writ­ing, I am all ears!

  2. Lynne
    October 8, 2010 | 10:51 am

    Thanks Kate, for being such an avid and appre­cia­tive lis­tener! It’s mind blow­ing isn’t it? — this insid­i­ous drive to turn our­selves into some­thing wor­thy?! Thanks for shar­ing. Blessings

  3. […] I ques­tioned who I become when I believe the thought that I should be dif­fer­ent, I saw how I move through all three roles on the vic­tim tri­an­gle in relat­ing to […]

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