I was telling you about the other evening in the water garden when I realized I was tormenting myself with the thought, “I should be different,” – remember? Well, there's more awareness that came for me that evening.
For instance, while realizing what I was doing to myself by demanding that I be someone different, an analogy came to mind: I saw an image representing the self I thought I should be. It was a beautiful, multi-colored glass sphere, and then I saw another image; it was an “unwieldy and thick, sort of square job” that I decided represents the reality of me as I really am – it was by no means as attractive as the translucent globe I aspired to be!
So, not only was I thinking I should be different but I was also apparently believing that I was supposed to be the one who made me different; I thought it was my job to somehow turn me into this appealing round shape that I thought I “should” be.
I suddenly realized that I also thought that by becoming that round, shiny presence I would somehow be more pleasing to God. (Yes I know, you're right … I was presuming to know what I needed to be and do to make God happy! Like, who needs God when I'm busy doing his job for Him of deciding what I should be! :))
Nonetheless, there in my mind I could see this clear perfect image of the me I should be; it was the perfect me alright! Me at the right size and the perfect weight, with perfect features, a perfect character, me as a beautiful expression of Source energy, without flaw or blemish or blunder of any kind.
And lord have I ever tried to become that! I work so hard at it sometimes that I exhaust myself from the effort. I often wear myself out trying to force myself to become some ideal self I think I need to be to be right for God. That relentless pummeling effort, I realized, was what I was suffering from now.
But no matter how badly I want it, no matter how relentless my efforts have been, no matter how diligent my intentions are, no matter how much I berate, pummel and demand it, I have not been able to pound myself into the required roundness. My stubborn angularity holds firm. There is no “sanding my corners smooth” to fit the image of who I “need to be” to serve the purposes of Source (by-the-way, I also presume to know what his purposes for me and others are!) I have yet to be able to turn me into that beautiful round shape that I demand I become!
And on top of it all, it appears there's also a part of me that believes, along with the other troubling beliefs mentioned above, that I must become that glowing roundness if I am ever to qualify for the Universal blessings of acceptance, grace and bounty that I desire! OUCH!
Inevitably my failure to shape me into that spectacular roundness leads to profound feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness; my failure to mold me into the “right” shape leaves me feeling anxious and sad and I find myself thinking thoughts like, “I am a failure. I must be weak, I’m not right somehow, I'm just intrinsically defective.”
Sooner or later such thoughts take over the mind. This is the inevitable path that I think, not only I, but most of us take internally whenever we believe the universal-core-belief-that-all-humans-suffer from that says, “I should be different.”
But there's more! On that same day I had another profound insight into my own, and what I believe to be basic human nature; it was a realization that brought me to my knees about what automatically happens when I fail at being able to force myself into being the roundness I think I should be …
I'll share that realization with you next… stay tuned!