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On the effort of making me right

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I was telling you about the other evening in the water garden when I realized I was tormenting myself with the thought, “I should be different,” – remember? Well, there's more awareness that came for me that evening.

Flowers

Creative Commons License photo credit: wonderferret

For instance, while realizing what I was doing to myself by demanding that I be someone different, an analogy came to mind: I saw an image representing the self I thought I should be. It was a beautiful, multi-colored glass sphere, and then I saw another image; it was an “unwieldy and thick, sort of square job” that I decided represents the reality of me as I really am – it was by no means as attractive as the translucent globe I aspired to be!

Rubix.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Offline due to heavy workload Lighthelper 🙂

So, not only was I thinking I should be different but I was also apparently believing that I was supposed to be the one who made me different; I thought it was my job to somehow turn me into this appealing round shape that I thought I “should” be.

I suddenly realized that I also thought that by becoming that round, shiny presence I would somehow be more pleasing to God. (Yes I know, you're right … I was presuming to know what I needed to be and do to make God happy! Like, who needs God when I'm busy doing his job for Him of deciding what I should be! :))

Nonetheless, there in my mind I could see this clear perfect image of the me I should be; it was the perfect me alright! Me at the right size and the perfect weight, with perfect features, a perfect character, me as a beautiful expression of Source energy, without flaw or blemish or blunder of any kind.

And lord have I ever tried to become that! I work so hard at it sometimes that I exhaust myself from the effort. I often wear myself out trying to force myself to become some ideal self I think I need to be to be right for God. That relentless pummeling effort, I realized, was what I was suffering from now.

But no matter how badly I want it, no matter how relentless my efforts have been, no matter how diligent my intentions are, no matter how much I berate, pummel and demand it, I have not been able to pound myself into the required roundness. My stubborn angularity holds firm. There is no “sanding my corners smooth” to fit the image of who I “need to be” to serve the purposes of Source (by-the-way, I also presume to know what his purposes for me and others are!) I have yet to be able to turn me into that beautiful round shape that I demand I become!

And on top of it all, it appears there's also a part of me that believes, along with the other troubling beliefs mentioned above, that I must become that glowing roundness if I am ever to qualify for the Universal blessings of acceptance, grace and bounty that I desire! OUCH!

Inevitably my failure to shape me into that spectacular roundness leads to profound feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness; my failure to mold me into the “right” shape leaves me feeling anxious and sad and I find myself thinking thoughts like, “I am a failure. I must be weak, I’m not right somehow, I'm just intrinsically defective.”

Sooner or later such thoughts take over the mind. This is the inevitable path that I think, not only I, but most of us take internally whenever we believe the universal-core-belief-that-all-humans-suffer from that says, “I should be different.”

But there's more! On that same day I had another profound insight into my own, and what I believe to be basic human nature; it was a realization that brought me to my knees about what automatically happens when I fail at being able to force myself into being the roundness I think I should be …

I'll share that realization with you next… stay tuned!

Blessings, Lynne

3 Responses

  1. Thanks Kate, for being such an avid and appreciative listener! It’s mind blowing isn’t it? – this insidious drive to turn ourselves into something worthy?! Thanks for sharing. Blessings

  2. Holy Smokes! What you are talking about is something that also tugs upon my heart regarding my own lack of trust in The One Who takes it upon Himself to be the Potter of my Clay. This is a quote from an article that has peeked my interest called ‘Counseling the Idolatrous Family’ by David Sherman: “Idolatry is a prison of the unregenerate mind. It is the direct result of pursuing or having our legitimate needs for love, affection and approval met by someone or thing through means other than God’s providential care.” For me, this hits the nail on the head for many times I doubt this Loving All the time Providential Presence and constant Care in my life.
    Keep on writing, I am all ears!

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