Those We Resist Teach Us The Most

JoA in an argument
Creative Commons License photo credit: Anders V

It's the people we resist most that are our real teachers. They teach us all about our relationship w/ ourselves.

I've noticed that the things we most resist about others, the things we judge and resent them for, are most often the very same things we've judged as unacceptable about ourselves and denied.

For instance, let's say I'm thinking, “She/he is so judgmental.” When I turn that sentence around, putting my name in place of theirs, the truth is clearly revealed; “I am so judgmental.” Yeah, like, for instance, I'm being judgmental of them right now, for being so judgmental!

We project our negative qualities onto others and then judge them for what we cannot see or accept about ourselves.

4 Responses

  1. Hi Michelle,
    The number one thing you can do to heal after having had a painful relationship is to question your beliefs about that relationship!
    Are your doubts caused from having had what you term “a bad relationship” or is what makes you question your judgment about your choice in men caused more from what you tell yourself it means that means? Can you hear the difference?
    For instance, how different might you be feeling towards dating if, instead of telling yourself that you failed in your choice of a mate, you were telling yourself the following: “I have learned so much about what I want (and don’t want) from my recent relationship. I have grown and am more mature for having gone through this experience. I am better prepared to make a healthier choice as a result of this experience?”
    Can you feel the qualitative difference in that thought line?

    Our relationships are not what causes us to feel trustful or distrustful, but what we tell ourselves about our relationships is. When we decide we can’t trust our choices, we feel and act accordingly which often leads to MORE poor choices. It is our own unforgiving judgment towards ourselves for making the choices we make that causes us to distrust, not the choice itself.

    Here are some things to remember towards self forgiveness.
    1. The people we choose are in our lives to teach us about our relationship with ourselves. That is their purpose. That means that who we choose was perfect for us – no matter how painful the relationship was – because their job was to show us how we feel about ourselves.
    2. The way others treat us is always a reflection of the way we feel towards and treat ourselves.
    3. Others act as Universal messengers for us to show us where we are in need of a more loving approach towards ourselves.
    4. As we grow in self-acceptance and self-forgiveness we will naturally attract a mate who will reflect that forgiveness & acceptance by being kind and loving towards us.
    5. Therefore it is not about having better judgment in the mates we select, but about being less judgmental towards ourselves that will prompt happier choices in a mate.

    Trust yourself and trust the mate you select to be exactly what you need him to be for your own growing consciousness.
    Hope this helps.

  2. How do you start back dating after a bad relationship literally makes you question your own judgement on every guy you meet?

  3. Hi Tracy,
    The good news is that you do not have to ‘get rid of’ these limiting beliefs. You only need to make them conscious, stand back from them and explore them. Are they true? Do you know it absolutely?
    Remember when we believe something, we automatically feel and act accordingly. How do you act/feel when you believe, “I (they) cannot handle life circumstances?” What results when I act in those ways? What would be different if I did not believe that thought?
    Explore your belief on paper, don’t expect to feel immediately different. The magic comes from simply planting a seed of doubt between you and that belief. Doing that frees you from having to act as if it is true. A totally different outcome is then possible.
    Blessings, Lynne
    Have you read any of Byron Katie’s books? I highly recommend anything she has written.

  4. I have come to see that what i resist/condemn in others is also a projection of my negative beliefs about the world and myself..
    My challenge at the moment is with regards to finances and as mentioned in an earlier post i see so many Stray cats….i see people and talk to people with huge financial obligations and i feel overwhelmed by their demands and i condemn them and myself for not coming up with solutions that can help them….
    I see this now as a belief that the universe and these people are incapable of taking care of their finances…I see this now as a belief that the universe throws at me situations that i am incapable of handling or rather circumstances that i did not wish to have…
    The resistance and anger i feel is really the negative belief i hold about the situation and not the person presenting a difficult situation…I am really trying to put this in my mind because “in the moment” i feel convinced that the person is in error and i feel victimized and i want to correct them”

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