Shall I go or shall I stay?

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Are you in a painful relationship and wondering whether you should go or stay?

I used to think I knew whether a couple should stay together or separate based on the degree of pain or abuse involved. I have since come to realize how totally presumptuous such an idea is!

Today I know that there is no right or wrong answer regarding whether to stay or leave a relationship – regardless of the amount of suffering involved. There is only the reality of what is right now.

What is the best indicator that you should stay in your present relationship? That you're still there!

If you haven't left then it's not time to go. It really is that simple. You can know that you need to be there simply because you ARE there.

How can I say this, you ask?

Because all relationships (and perhaps especially abusive ones) serve to enlighten us. They do this by being a mirror for us that reflects our own relationship with ourself.

Abusive relationships mirror self abuse – always. What we experience in relationship with another will be our own level of relating to ourselves.

You can count on it.

4 Responses

  1. Dear Lynne

    With your reply comes the wonderful gift of clarity in my mind.

    Many Thanks and Love


  2. Rahul, There are no accidents or mistakes. Most certainly this is true in relationship. We are with our mates for a reason … One of the most powerful principles involving relationship is in recognizing relationship as a sacred path.

    This means that we understand that every single relationship is designed to teach – to evolve and deepen our understanding of ourselves! This is true, even with the most painful relationships.

    When we are able to look at all of our relationships through this understanding, we change our focus from what they are (or not) doing to us to an open attitude that recognizes them for what they have come to teach us – about ourselves.
    Once we get the message, we find ourselves free to stay or move on, depending on what is right for us at the time.
    If we force a move before we “get the message” we may find ourselves repeating the pattern of abuse with our next mate.

    Understanding that relationships are a valid spiritual path allows me to say that there is no right or wrong time to leave (or stay-in) a relationship – no “carved in granite” formula one must follow to do the right and healthy thing in relationship.

    These are my observations about the nature of relationship. The most powerful shifts come when we can look at our relations with a significant other as a teaching reflection of our own thoughts and feelings towards ourselves!

    When we are obsessed with how THEY are abusing us, how THEY don’t meet our needs, how emotionally unavailable THEY are for us …. we are seeing ourselves as victims of THEM.

    Whenever we think that someone else is the cause of our pain puts us on the Victim Triangle. It is OUR minds, our beliefs that we are victim of. THEY ( our mates) are simply mirroring to us how we don’t meet our own needs, how we are not available for ourselves and/or how abusively we treat ourselves.

    When we look in to where the problem we’re projecting onto them lives within our own mind instead of pointing and blaming them for our misery, we can truly heal.

    PLEASE NOTE – I AM NOT saying that they are NOT doing the painful things they do – I AM saying that we would not be in that particular relationship if there were not self realization being offered. 🙂

    A place of healing may prompt us to leave a relationship, but if and when we do, it won’t be from a place of feeling betrayed or abandoned or badly treated by them. Instead, we are able to go feeling a deep and sincere appreciation for the gifts of self awareness and the growing opportunities our partners offered us.

  3. Hello Lynne
    These are your words and i strongly believe in them, one should do everything they can to exit the Victim Triangle …. it that means leaving a relationship, especially a painful one, so be it. The fact that a dilemma exist means its a call from higher source to reconsider the present approach.. what do you think?

    Love and Regards


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