It's been an awesome revelation to me to recognize how it is we attract to us, in others, the exact relationship we have with ourselves. We attract someone who will accurately mirror the way we treat, feel about or interact with ourselves. That's just the Universal design. This is one of the reasons we have such difficulty letting go of these relationships, even though we tell ourselves we “should”. (“He's abusive” … “unavailable” … “controlling” etc etc.) We cannot let them go because they have come into our lives to do the very thing they are doing… that is to reflect ourselves to us for the purpose of showing us our distorted stories about ourselves and the world. Our job is not to judge and self deprecate but to SEE what these situations and encounters are mirroring to us and FORGIVE ourselves for the distortion of truth that is underlying. We do this by bringing clarity and UNDERSTANDING towards ourselves for having these painfully limited stories. We begin to see how and why they originated in the first place and our belief in them loosens as a result.
We always do what we do because we believe what we believe. There IS no other reason. Once we have recognized the underlying beliefs and inquired deeply enough into them, the need to indulge them leaves us – their mission is accomplished. But not until then! They continue to run us as long as we judge ourselves, blame others for how they treat us and deny the message these others come to give us.
Through these less-than-satisfying relationships we are shown our own wounded story about ourselves. Ego enters our life through early childhood wounding. If, for instance, we had an early experience of feeling that we did not matter to those who were important to us, we may still be unconsciously expecting the same treatment from all of our significant relationships. This becomes our life story – one we give a lot of fuel to over the years. The self defeating story expands over time to include habitual defensive behaviors or ways of trying to “matter”. The problem is that these distorted ways of looking for acceptance most often end up becoming “evidence” that we are indeed unlovable and unimportant. OF COURSE, because what ego is really looking for is PROOF for the story its' addicted to believing. (And it works really well, doesn't it?)
To follow the example given above of having a belief of being unimportant so we then find ourselves “in love” with someone who is perpetually “too busy” for us. Of course! This relationship becomes not only concrete evidence that what we believe is true, but also it very accurately reflects our personal relationship with ourself. Why? Because we naturally treat ourselves the way we “feel treated” by others. We then will hear ourselves say things like, “I don't have time to take care of my self … I'm too busy …. Not NOW – I've got more important things to do then to take care of MY needs!” We are the one who believe that we are not worth any time and energy!
Instead, when we feel the feelings generated from “low frequency” stories, we learn to pause and investigate them instead of blindly following them. It doesn't work to guilt ourselves about being in a “bad” relationship …. that only serves to strengthen our painful story even more. Turn instead to inquiring into these beliefs. One of the most straightforward models for doing that is Byron Katie's “The Work” (www.thework.com).
However, before we can truly appreciate this simple process we often need a basic understanding of our own core belief cycle. This is the process of getting in touch with the childhood theme that will continue to dominate our lives until or unless we make it conscious. (see https://www.lynneforrest.com/html/core_beliefs.html)
This is the road to freedom.