It’s quite natural for us to assume that the opposite of victim is victor. In reality, however, the role of victor is just another stop on the victim triangle on its way to victim. The “victor” may stand with a conquering foot planted firmly on their victim, loudly proclaiming victory; however they are still at war;they must be ever-vigilant against defeat. Like their victim, they are engaged in resistance against something outside of themselves. Peace is fleeting, if it is experienced at all.
It is not victor-consciousness that we strive for, not if we want true peace, health and sanity. We want to be able to stand back from the fray, from the inner chaos in the mind, and witness our thoughts.
Observer consciousness allows us to disengage from our inner chaos and external dramas so that we can step out of victim consciousness. Observer consciousness is based on basic guiding principles: https://www.lynneforrest.com/blog/2010/03/25/basic-guiding-principles-of-reality/
I want to tell you a story about my neighbors up the road, as an example of this victim/victor mentality:
My neighbors are brothers who live side by side. The first brother had been living there for years when the other brother bought a piece of land right beside him, built a house and moved in – not a stone’s throw from his brother’s house. Everything seemed to be going fine, until the first brother’s dog snapped at the other brother’s young child. It was a scary moment for sure, and the brothers quarreled about how the dog should be handled. The father of the nearly bitten child insisted that the dog should be gotten rid of. The other brother felt that getting rid of the dog was uncalled for and refused. They have not spoken to each other since, it’s been two years or more now.
I often think about these brothers when I drive by their farms, especially in the summer months, when they are both out working in their gardens right across the fence from one another. I think about the immense energy it takes to feel compelled to need to prevail over someone, to insist on being the one who wins. How exhausting it must be to need to constantly remind oneself that that person you see hoeing their garden on the other side of your fence-line is your enemy. How wearying it must be to constantly have to renew your anger towards them because they “did you wrong” and therefore deserve to be vilified. How sad to see your loved one as someone you must either defeat, or be defeated by. How lonesome to see your brother as someone you need to protect yourself from, to see him as someone you must turn others against.
This is a typical victim/victor standoff. Which of these brothers do you think is on the victim triangle? Who wins?
Of course, that’s a trick question; they are both on the victim triangle! The point is that there is no winner in the victim/victor role because both dynamics take place on the victim triangle and therefore always leads back to victim.
These two brothers are a good example of the victim/victor mentality that seems to dominate our world. Do you recognize who these brothers are in you, or in someone you know?
The outcome might have been totally different if only one of these brothers had been able to step back from the fray into observer consciousness. Doing so would have allowed the brother to investigate his own thinking, rather than to go on blaming his brother.
Let’s imagine what that might look like:
Understanding that the world is a mirror, the more enlightened brother would step back from the situation, and his own behavior, to see what his brother was mirroring to him about himself. From that process of observation he might realize that he was thinking and acting in much the same way that he was judging as unacceptable in his brother.
He might notice, for instance, that they were both demanding that things go their way. He also might see that he was being as threatening and controlling as what he accused his brother of being. He might be able to see that his brother ‘bad-mouthing’ him to their mutual friend was no different than the way he had railed against his brother to that same friend. He would see clearly that his brother’s behavior and stubborn stance was a most accurate mirror of his own unhappy state!
Becoming aware of his part in the fray, would allow him to let-go of his need to control his brother’s behavior and take responsibility for his own attitude and behavior instead. So that the next time he looked up from his garden work to see his brother weeding his own garden next door, he might well respond in a totally different way than before!
He might spontaneously call out a greeting, perhaps, not because he was trying to be nice, but because his need to stay angry had disappeared. Having questioned his judgments against his brother and found them lacking, due largely to his realization that he, himself, was just as guilty, he suddenly finds himself, much to his own surprise, feeling compassion and forgiveness towards his brother. His natural ability to love has returned.
But let’s say his brother ignored his spontaneous greeting and stalked angrily away. Rather than shout insults after him, as he might have done in the past, our enlightened brother would observe his own internal response to his brothers angry reaction instead. He might question the judgments he held towards his brother and recognize his brother’s response as a mirror image of the way he, himself, had responded so many times before!
Suddenly he understands why his brother reacts the way he does, and the feelings of resentment are gone! The newly enlightened brother knows how to closely examine his painful assumptions, and has come to see that to go on holding grudges is stressful for him! He has come to see how unkind it is to treat himself in that way. He recognizes that his judgments against his brother not only hurt their relationship, but are hurtful to him, as well.
Slowly he has come to see that it is not his brother’s behavior, or the situation itself, but his assumptions and judgments about those things, that have created his unhappiness.
Having witnessed, and experienced similar shifts towards those I considered as enemies, I know, that it would be only a matter of time before this man’s brother would begin to shift his behavior for the better towards the more conscious brother.
For it is a universal law that when we shift internally, the world shifts in accordance to that shift; the world always reflects back to us where we are moment to moment.
This post was taken from my weekly messages. It is one example of the kind of messages that come to subscribers week after week on defining victim consciousness and how to transform it.