Finding the “Right” Relationship

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looking for the stick
 photo credit: Coffee Monster

Single clients who are looking for a mate, say things like: “I am lonely & unhappy because I don't have someone to share my life with,” or “I don't enjoy being alone. I need someone – someone who will treat me right.”

From those who are married, I hear, “He/she doesn't listen to me or consider my feelings,” or “I feel unimportant and left out. They aren't there for me.” “They are not who I thought they were.”

Both sets of clients share something in common. They all believe that someone else is supposed to “fix” their world and make them feel loved.

They want someone else to give them what they have not given themselves.

Our relationships are mirrors. They reflect our own thoughts and feelings towards ourselves through our interaction (or lack thereof) with others. Our job is to become the mate for ourselves that we are seeking in another. Until we do, we can only go on attracting partners who will mirror to us our unhappy relationship with ourselves.

In other words, the things we think we need someone else to give us are the things we need to give ourselves.

If we are lonely, we must discover the ways we neglect and abandon ourselves. When we truly enjoy our own company, there is no “lack” of “other!” We DO have someone to share our lives with – us! And we are content in that knowing. (By the way, that sort of contentment is very appealing to potential mates. 🙂 )

If we complain often about how poorly our mate ignores us, we must discover how we don't listen to or consider our own feelings. We must find the ways we treat ourselves as if we are unimportant and address them. By befriending ourselves, our mates will naturally treat us better because we have stopped accusing them of being our problem! And when we feel better towards ourselves, we are free to notice the things we like about our partners, too. Feeling appreciated, our partners are more likely to treat us with the increased attention and kindness we once longed for.

Let's go for that!


3 Responses

  1. This particular idea was a real eye-opener for me. The concept of having a relationship with myself is almost too much for me to wrap my mind around which in itself is very revealing, I think. I am going to meditate on this concept and see what I uncover. I have been praying for answers regarding my relationship with my husband and now this bit of information comes along. I embrace the concept that our world is a reflection of our inner world so I’m excited about hopefully being able to establish some changes within myself and then watch those changes affect my world. Thanks again for your wisdom.

  2. Hi Tracy, You inspire me with your capacity for honesty-with-self! Such willingness aligns us with Reality/Truth and peace.

    When we want more, we are unhappy with our lives AND ourselves. We mistreat ourselves by focusing our minds on “wanting more.” To want and long for more separates us from Reality and makes us feel bad!

    When we frame the world in seeing only a need for more, it leaves us longing for what we don’t have enough of (money, time, love, respect, approval, health, fun, etc) and ignoring what we do have. We cannot feel grateful, and gratitude is a fundamental aspect of happiness. Without it, there is no lasting happiness.

    The task of anyone who wants to befriend themselves and enjoy life better is to generate more gratitude. Gratitude is generated by choosing to focus on sufficiency. It means noticing that we have enough, that we have what we need right now – and giving thanks for how sufficiently we are being taken care of! Cultivating gratitude leads to immediate contentment (another core aspect of happiness) and a lifetime of dreams unfolding.

    One other key to allowing ourselves to be happy is the practice of accepting (NOT settling for) the way things are, including the way WE are, right now. We practice acceptance by choosing to believe that the way things are is the way we need them to be for the highest good.

    Keep on loving you by practicing these truths,

  3. this post speaks a lot about my state of mind in the past few years…Feeling alone when not in a relationship yet lonely when i was in a relationship.I often felt that i lacking something and i kept looking out there….i wanted a better family,a better social life a better boyfriend a better life….and i thought that my loneliness would go once i got this…
    The relationships i had and still have clearly indicate that i need to look back and start working on myself.The happiness i seek out there is in me and i need to find it….I actually feel that i have neglected me,i have neglected my feelings and stepped out of my own path to awareness….
    It is a good realization to see how digging deeper into our feelings actually enables us attract the good relationships we long for…Its a process for my part but a worthwhile venture all the same.

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