Why was I born into a dysfunctional family?

It is not by accident that we are born into our particular family. I believe that each of us is born into a family that uniquely matches our own vibrational frequency at the time of our birth – not because we are being punished, not to pay back some old karmic debt necessarily, but because that family holds the set of challenges we need to experience for us t0 access a higher level of  understanding. In other words, our family's are designed to help us evolve! Yes, even, and most especially, the particularly dysfunctional ones.

In a nutshell, we come into the family we do to learn the lessons that particular family brings us. And sometimes those lessons are tough ones.

What could one possibly learn from being born into an abusive family? A lot! As incomprehensible as it may seem, even our most unenlightened, abusive families, play a designated role in evolving us spiritually. Reality shows us many examples of how dysfunctional family systems can indeed serve a higher purpose. The reality is that some of our greatest leaders, teachers, researchers, and healers come from just such dysfunctional families.

Most often it is through the personal struggles that these outstanding individuals experienced while growing up in extreme circumstances that later led them to their life-calling. Their difficult childhoods are often what prompted them to radically shift the way they understood life, and thereby made a whole new way of seeing possible.

Might it be just as possible that each one of us is uniquely set up in a family environment that is especially arranged to provide us with the challenges and life-lessons necessary to further the direction of our life path? I like to think so. I have a hypothesis, it is this: we come into this life on a particular vibrational frequency which energetically attracts to us a matching frequency. We are energy beings, after all.

I am not saying we consciously choose our family; it is not a conscious decision-making process that delivers us into the family we find ourselves in. We don't choose to be in a certain family because we are gluttons for suffering, for instance! No, the kind of attraction I speak of here has more to do with the magnetic nature of life that draws us to a particular family set-up – much like the way metal filings are attracted to a magnet.

I am speaking of the way energy moves and responds to vibration through patterns – it's a perspective that says that where we end up in life has nothing to do with what we “deserve,” or with what is “fair” or “unfair,” – where we land is based on a vibrational frequency, and the pattern that is formed by the energy that is traveling on that frequency. The family we come into is not about our quality of being, but about the vibrational frequency of the pathway we are traveling on at the time of our birth.

This idea of our “choice” of a family being a magnetic attraction precludes the possibility of our coming into a family ‘accidentally,' or ‘coincidentally.' No, if this hypothesis is accurate, then we can only land in the family that matches the energetic frequency of our own belief system.

The Veda's teach that the mind-set of a person when they die determines the circumstances they are born into in their next incarnation. Such an idea suggests that if our emotional frequency is fear-based, we are more likely to land in a family ruled by fear and intimidation. If we are governed by a kinder, higher frequency, we will birth into a higher frequency family. What we can hypothesize however, is that we will be born into the family that will provide the lessons that will further us most, and not necessarily, for love, peace, or joy – sake! We come into the family we do because their belief system resonates with our vibrational frequency and thus allows us the opportunity to explore limiting beliefs that have hindered us from realizing a more positive life expression.

When we look at how we came to be in our particular family from such a standpoint it allows us to better align with Reality. We can more easily trust that whatever life is, it is happening for us, rather than to, at, or against us. This means that even the seeming worst things we meet in life are no coincidence, but do in fact, serve to reflect the limiting beliefs that hold us prisoner, for the purpose of liberating ourselves from those  painful beliefs.

Again, what we attract has nothing to do with what we may desperately want, or aspire towards, and everything to do with what we expect from life. We harvest in life the consequences of that which we believe is possible, or not possible, for us.

Understanding that simple truth allows us to begin to move away from seeing ourselves, or others, as victims of an unfair, cruel, or even sadistically-twisted family life. When we see ourselves as a victim on any level it produces great pain and sadly limits our life expression – to see ourselves as being irreparably damaged by our life circumstances, for instance, (a view I held of myself for a long time!) in my opinion, causes far worse damage than whatever abuse we may have endured.

Why? Think about it for a moment – who do we become, how do we respond to life, when we believe we are permanently damaged by life circumstances? How does it affect the way we live, and interact with others when we believe we've been dropped haphazardly into a family that abuses us? How does such a belief color our opinion of ourselves, our belief in our chances in life, our future possibilities, or our trust in others? How does it affect our ability to succeed in life when we see ourselves as damaged victims of abuse?

For clarity-sake, I am not suggesting that we make excuses for the abusive ways of our family, or that we deny what happened to us or that we discount our feelings about it. I am simply saying that by bringing an energetic understanding of how these things happen to our perspective, we feel less victim, more empowered, and we find we are in a position that better empowers us.

I've found that a sense of  inner empowerment and peace comes from accepting Reality as not only being what it is, but that it is that way for us -in other words there's a good reason!  There are no coincidences; every single painful thing that we experience in life can be used to further us. It is up to us and how we see those painful events, more than the events themselves, that determine whether we will be served or destroyed by them. The reality is that all things CAN work for our highest good, even our dysfunctional, abusive family dynamics can serve to empower and refine us!

Blessings, Lynne

17 Responses

  1. Hi, I came to your site in search for guidance and answers. I am fascinated by the Reality Formula for the little I had the time to read about and discover. I, myself was born in a dysfunctional family, being the scapegoat who my mother tried to infantilise for her own benefit. I have been the object of negative projections for a very long time. I have attachment issues and by the words of my therapist , PSTD from the emotional abuse. My soul wound is rejection (which I see everywhere:) and I kinda struggle with that till now (I am 47). I am trying to find ways to make sense of why this happened to me. According to your post , we vibrate and attract something (family members) that resonate with our vibration at time of birth. Does it mean that in a case such mine, my vibration was “lack of self love ” and that I was then born in a family where the abuse would force to move forward in my “LIFE” path towards self love and self acceptance ? Is that what my soul has come to learn in this life experience? Sorry for such a long post:) blessing

  2. Thank you for this. It helps me so much to understand what I’m going through right now. I can see clearly NOW. TY TY TY XOXO -ANGELINA

  3. I find it particularly disgusting that this article is advocating for childhood suffering in order to bring about character growth.

    1. Thank you for your input … it is always enlightening for me to read how others interpret my words. I do respectfully disagree with your use of the word “advocating” in your description of my approach to dealing with childhood suffering. I would replace the word,”advocating” with the phrase “choosing to perceive” instead, as in: “… this article offers those of us who have suffered childhood abuse the opportunity to perceive childhood suffering in a way that fosters growth and character growth.” That is my true intention, although perhaps not clearly stated. Thank you for this opportunity to clarify.

      I simply attempt to point out that while we do not have a choice about whether or not we are abused as children, we can choose how to frame it. We can see ourselves as victims and live that definition of ourselves out in life … or we can choose to see the reality of childhood abuse beyond the limiting concept of defining ourselves as victims who have been forever damaged and move towards a more empowering perspective instead.

      In Reality all human minds operate according to a formula that says that when we believe we are victims, we feel and act as if that definition of us is true, which often results in us reacting to life in ways that encourages others to treat us as victims (And either rescue us or persecute us as weaklings)… which then proves our victim status of being mistreated, undeserving, weak, unloved and/or forever damaged.

      It seems to me that choosing to see ourselves as being on a journey that is purposeful and taking us somewhere better is better than spiraling into a picture of ourselves as hopelessly wronged and thereby damaged for life. In my own life I have found that choosing to reframe my childhood abuse as something I went through as part of an initiation has allowed me to turn my life trauma into miracles. And so I share it with those with whom it resonates.

      Thank you again for sharing your thought on the subject. I understand that it may not be a fit for all. Blessings,

      1. This is beautiful Lynne – Gui is reading this amazing article clearly because they are seeking answers. GUI Will learn life is a journey of discovery. There’s no doubt in my mind that GUI will figure it out one day. Great article. Please email me [email protected] i would like to discuss working on a project together 🙂

      2. I searched deep in the depths of my very own soul to how did I survive such long suffering , poverty and unfortunate life. That I did not pick. However I choose not be a victim of my circumstances and believe that although ive been handed a raw deal. I will play my hand until I win, I have a chose and I choose to win; therefore I do. Although this is easily said then done, especially in my case. I have no other chose, though I didnt choose to fight. If I get beat up I will mend my wounds and I will survive them. And move forward because moving forward has been granted to me and that’s all I have to look forward to. I know I can have pity parties an /or look back all the rest of my life but if I dont enjoy my hand, ill throw it in and i wont play it. Thank you Your logic is as close to keeping someone on the right track of humanity is as good as it gets. There will be many who will not except your insight. Or defend it with religion. Nevertheless God gets the glory at the begining and the end of My story. Therefore moving forward in which is all i have. Because I believe all we deserve is to be obedient and respect Gods instruction, neither one of us does. I understand your only trying to help. Help clarify, help strategicarizes, help level up the offeneded.

    2. It’s not advocating childhood abuse. It’s pointing out that we are an eternal spirit and here to grow. I think the author is merely suggesting that you can’t get stuck in victim mode. The key is to reflect and examine the bad experiences in your life and grow from them.

  4. Dear Cheryl,
    And I thought I had it bad! I agree with Lynne that many old souls came to earth in this special time of the shift from the Age of Pisces to the Age of Aquarius, were the braves ones. My own background has led to life a service. 12 step groups, volunteer work in healing workshops for abused women, volunteer work in schools and an Organization for Healthy Families. My daughter is a MA. Lic. SW now, and I am a Life coach and Quantum Energetic Disciplines TM ( founded by Jo Dunning ) Energy worker , but do not think this happened “all at once”. Before you find your place of contribution to the “solution” I hope you will be KIND to yourself. You are exactly where you need to be. I also think that while explanations really help, it is important to have someone with a huge empathy, experience and non judgment listen to your feelings. No matter what the reason we still need some help in being “received with love and respect” and begin o develop deep self love. That can not just come from a “decision” that you have great self esteem self love and great relationship skills “all of a sudden”. It is a process. It is hard to say what works for you for I do not know you but taking warm baths with sea-salts, buying flowers for yourself, saying affirmations about how loves you TRULY are by the Angels who applaud you for brining change into this world, beginning with YOURSELF, a worthy precious soul. When you do your part in learning, you affect the ENTIRE UNIVERSE POSITIVELY. Not only is this TRUE, it also is re-frame and changes the victim perspective to one of having agreed before birth to do an important task for the world. Now how does that feel? A lot better?
    Blessings, Love and Light to you,

  5. I’m upset with god and want to know really why I was born into my family. My dad and aunt murdered my mom when I was 3( they got away with it but me and my brother were there and saw it. 6months latter he found out our stepmother and the guy she waa having an affair with had sexually abused my brother and i also taking pornographic photos, we went for a drive to the woods and he killed her and I saw cause I got out of the car but was t supposed to. He went to jail. My grandparents got custody of us. And the next 12yrs daily I was we sexually abused by my grandfather(step grandfather, my grandmas 3rd husband). At 17yrs I moved out. I was also raped by a neighbor when I was 9yrs. In 1995 my first son died a day after he was born. Many other issues happened also in life but ill end this post here. Thanks for listening. Maybe you can help me understand why. And what is gods purpose for me I just don’t know.

    1. Cheryl, I apologize for not responding sooner … I simply somehow overlooked this comment, so am just now reading it for the first time.

      I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that comes from growing up amidst such dysfunction. My heart goes out to you … I can only guess at how difficult it must be to try to make sense of such senselessness – and I want to be careful not to come across as trivializing your situation … for, in truth, I do not know how I might have handled such events as those you describe, in your stead. I can only turn to the guiding principles for some glimpse of understanding; they are what works for me. Here are some of my thoughts:

      The first thought I had as I read your thoughts was a reminder of something I heard years ago … that the master souls (most highly evolved) are those who take on the most challenging Earth lives. Why? Because, as the ancients teach, this world is a bootcamp for souls, which means we came here to play out on the ground (manifest in form) what it is we need to learn for our own evolving consciousness.

      I like this concept because it takes away the notion that the world should be different than it is, that it should be a utopia, or even a kind place, and replaces it with the understanding that, as energy-in-motion (which is what humans are) we are brought into the family unhappy best designed to give us the “grist” (challenges) we need to make conscious our own unhappy beliefs towards clearing them, so that we can align with Reality, (as defined by the Guiding Principles) which is the only place peace abides.

      The guiding principles teach that, rather than life being the way we think it should be, life is the way it is to show us the painful beliefs we are holding that stand between us and Reality. The guiding principles are based on what we call the Reality Formula: “When we believe what we think, we feel and act accordingly, and when we act according to our unhappy beliefs, we will act in ways that prove them true.”

      This is what you saw being played out all around you as a child – people living out of their own violently unhappy belief systems.

      For instance, if I believe God is cruel and uncaring, or that he abandoned me to a family of violence, how am I going to feel? How am I going to act? What results are likely to come from those feelings and thoughts? What does that foster in my life?

      When we believe something we begin to look for evidence that it is true, and we can always find it. We will unconsciously be attracted to people who will play the part we need (not want) that will prove our unhappy story about ourselves, others, and/or life. This is only true always. 🙂 Your family played destructive roles based on their painful beliefs – beliefs like, “I can’t have what I want, so I will just take it” or “people are worthless, it does not matter what I do to them…” etc … (these are just guesses about what your father’s beliefs might have been, for instance) – their actions came out of beliefs such as these.

      We come into the family we do to further our own soul journey – and since we are eternal beings, we can know that our soul education may include a lifetime of powerful challenges, such as those you have faced.

      That you are reading sites like this tells me that you are a seeker. And since, it is what we believe about life, not what happens to us in life, that determines the level of peace we get to experience, I trust that you can indeed find peace of mind even with all the challenges you’ve been through – maybe even as a result of having been subjected to the kind of violence and turmoil due to the extreme dysfunction of your family. I recommend you read “Search for Meaning,” by Victor Frankl – a book written by this psychiatrist who survived concentration camp during the holocaust his whole family died. He is one who has answered some of the questions you ask … and a read I highly recommend.

      Also, you might sign up for my weekly messages (they are free) to get more insight into this approach and how to apply it to your life.

      One other thing I want to mention here: the guiding principles also inform us that what people do is always directly caused by what they think and believe. The craziness you witnessed as a child was not about you, nobody made them act the way they did … they did what they did, including murder, because of their own highly confused, totally distorted, belief system. You cannot fix it. You did not cause it. You CAN learn from it, though… you can become a “wounded healer.”

      I, myself am a wounded healer. That means that what I teach I discovered through my own journey of healing. Those of us who have lived through dysfunction are best suited to extend a hand to those who are going through similar situations. You asked why you are here, perhaps that is a possibility worth considering.

      I hope this is helpful. Thank you for your patience in my slow response.

      Blessings, Lynne

  6. Dear Lynne,

    I have found myself in the overall message you have put in this text, from your personal life experiene, your wisdom and believes. I am still living in such a family and to see things with clarity is always said to be easy when you look at it from a distance. One can give wonderful but hardly applicable advice when we are not directly involved. And I dont mean this to downgrade any of the experiences you have made in your life. Any word you have formulate in this text is pure gold in terms of what an important advice for everyone it is, who feels stuck and sees him/herself in a similar situation.
    What needs to be mentioned is that we learn even better, Right at the moment where such a dysfunctional and abusive family puts you to the test. To feel and examine the anger, the hate, the insults, like I do while writing you this message. The sheer insanity that runs through their minds, totally blind of what they are creating.

    It is really interesting what a destructive youth I was involved into, how abusive I have lived (not speaking of drugs but media and food consumtion) in my young adulthood and how all of these things now turn out to be the best teacher I have ever had in my entire 26years of life.

    Yes I do live still at home. By choice, by the disgust of having experienced the life of a working person, favoring our illwilled society and economy and be willing but not yet fully prepared to create my life in a totally new way: In a spiritual way, which was never part, by Any means, in not a single family member of mine. And to transform everything into a better place. Transform this World into a better place!

    But I can tell you that, for our minds, being in such a situation like I am – even due to my previous conscious work with my emotions and exploring and understanding them – we will never get used to such moments. Never say never, but it’s so hard to imagine. God did not created us in hate, he did it with love.

    And to rediscover this love and feel it’s transformational power WITH all of this knowledge – that is true power which brings humankind into the right direction. The only true intention what this planet needs.

    I am so greatful for every word of encouragement and mindfullness you brought back into my being and my heart. And this only from reading your text.

    Be assured that I am not the only one.

    Thank you, good soul! Thank you. And many blessings,

    1. Hi David,

      I have felt so poorly when I discovered about “karma”, also due to a therapist when i was 38 who screamed “Avenging Angels” at me, thereby destroying my budding trust in God and meditation and the Course in Miracles I had begun to read. She created fear, not healing. She was about 65 and a professor, and I was 38 and an immigrant without USA education. I do not want t wonder if that was someone from a past life also, as if EVERY painful incident that happened was pre-planned.

      am 64 now and making peace with my past. I know I have helped break paradigms for my ancestors and my kids and grandkids and step kids too. I own my boundaries. Have good communication skills. Have a certificate fro an excellent Institute as Certified Life Coach, and now also a certificate from Jo Dunning as an Quick Pulse and Advanced Pulse practitioner, a new energy technique to help people improve their lives dramatically. So he growth benefits have been enormous and I can serve others others now. That does not mean we do not need healing. But everything can be redeemed now with the new Energy techniques and more. Everything can be forgiven and redeemed, and skills can grow. I am sending you special blessings. At your age, you can make great break troughs that were not available for those born in 1949.
      Bless you , and keep hope,

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