Every day is filled with opportunities for us to practice consciously choosing our responses to life. Rather than reacting habitually out of old patterns of belief we chose, instead, to be awake; we are watchful for times when our unconscious thoughts & words land us in a state of victimhood.
I often remind my clients that landing in a state of victimhood is a commonplace happening. It can be considered ‘normal,’ even inevitable, to move in and out of a state of victimhood throughout any given day.
It is unrealistic for most of us to achieve a complete absence of victim consciousness. That is not what counts anyway. What counts is how long we stay there. It is our return to reality that matters most, not how many times we get caught up in victim thinking.
How long does it take for us to recognize we’re in a state of victimhood and how immediate is our return to reality? That is what we want to work on.
Remember that a state of victimhood is never based on reality. It is based on our made-up stories about reality. That means that when we are in a state of victimhood we are out of touch with reality.
We return to reality by asking ourselves important questions such as, “What negative thought of mine is causing me distress right now? Am I willing to step into the observer’s seat and watch what happens when I believe that thought? Am I willing to get honest with myself about what I see? Am I more focused on finding and blaming an external problem or in freeing my mind from my own problem thinking? Am I 100% committed to clearing the thoughts that are keeping me in a state of victimhood or am I still making excuses and/or holding others responsible for my unhappiness?”
May all love surround All on this 9/11 sacred day. I salute those who put into action that we are not victims, but we are our brother’s and sisters’ keepers of loving peace and hope. Remaining aware of our divine purpose certainly can create a lesser need to fall into victomhood. Loving light to all.
I have a strained relationship with my sister and for my part having tried to rescue her and at times persecute her for issues that i felt were not right with me has made it difficult for us to connect..
I have been working on leaving her to be responsible for her decisions and life and trying not to judge or control.
At the moment she is financially dependent on me and our hugest fights have always revolved around money.I have to decide how much to give her to spend and each time i refuse to meet her demands she gets irritated and for lack of a better word feels victimized.I on the other hand feel guilty but adamant given that we have different spending patterns and i am more strict on spending patterns and i feel that as part of being responsible she should watch her spending patterns.At least where my own finances are concerned.
I take care of my siblings(5 of them) and i feel glad that i am learning to delegate responsibilities and listening to them as opposed to trying to control everything.…except for my sister and the whole financial situation where i feel that i keep shifting from feeling victimized to persecuting her and the cycle keeps repeating itself…
Omi, Tracy, there really is quite a history here of rescuing and Victim Triangle dynamics, huh?
Good for you for being so committed to finding your way off the Triangle.
As for your dynamics with your sister … is there a clear understanding (meaning verbalized &/or in writing) about how long this arrangement of you taking care of her financially is to last? Are you harboring resentment about carrying her financially? If there are no clear boundaries defined, and you are secretly resentful than you are definitely in Rescuer mode with her.
Are u receiving my weekly messages about Victim Vocabulary? If not, you can sign up at http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/the_faces_of_victim.html
One of the things that is stressed in Victim Vocabulary is the difference between being responsible ‘for’ someone vs responsible ‘to’ them. Here’s what I said in one of those messages:
Understanding exactly what it means to be responsible to ourselves and others rather than taking responsibility for them is all important if we are going to free ourselves from victimhood.
When we take responsibility for others, we want;
things to go our way
a solution
performance
answers
to control circumstances & outcomes
to be right
all the details
credit
Notice these desires are all externally focused. They are fixed on finding peace outside ourselves.
When we are responsible to others, we want;
to live and let live
to let go and let God
to relate person to person (rather than to the situation)
to share ourselves
to believe in the other person
to respect the others autonomy
to empower rather than control
Notice how the above motivating desires are internally focused. They are about adjusting our perception so that we can maintain inner peace.
When we are responsible for others, we are on the Victim Triangle™ as;
manipulator/persecutor
enabler
caretaker/rescuer
martyr/victim
When we are responsible to ourselves first and then to others, we are;
accepting & non-judgmental
living in peace & surrender to reality
supportive
a guide
a healthy role model
a friend
Hope this is helpful! Blessings, Lynne
Thank you for the clarification.Yes i have been receiving the weekly emails and they have helped me a lot in handling my younger siblings.
Looking back i realize that i have carried a lot of resentment with her primarily because since i was young i have always had to take care of her as opposed to the rest.I am the first born and i guess i put it in my mind that the reason i had to do that was because she was incapable of doing it herself…This belief is what has tortured me all this time and honestly this is what has resulted to the strain…
I now understand the difference and intend to apply it from now on and with my family when i settle down.Thank you.
Tracy, I understand how you took on the role of ‘mama’ big sister & did what you felt was necessary. I am inspired by your willingness to step away from the old codependent patterns & onto the path to liberation for you AND your beloved family.
It is true that when we perceive another as being incapable, we treat them accordingly and they come to see themselves that way too. They become further dependent on us which reinforces our notion of them as incompetent & so it goes. It’s a downward spiral that keeps us both in a state of Victimhood. It requires patient refusal to interact with them from old patterns of enabling as we learn ways to empower their ability to assume responsibility for themselves. One thing’s for sure tho — they will NEVER take responsibility for themselves as long as we do it for them! Real love says “I trust you to figure it out — I know you will be better for your efforts to take care of yourself!“
Blessings & much luck to you,“big sis!”