When We Take Responsibility FOR Our Children

photo credit: Leonid Mam­chenkov

Under­stand­ing exactly what it means to be respon­si­ble to our chil­dren, as opposed to assum­ing respon­si­bil­ity for them, is an all impor­tant part of sup­port­ing their jour­ney towards an inde­pen­dent life. Assum­ing respon­si­bil­ity for our chil­dren does not encour­age their auton­omy, whereas being respon­si­ble to them does. Read the fol­low up post to com­pare the dif­fer­ence between these two approaches. (This post was taken from my weekly “Vic­tim Vocabulary“series (have u subscribed?).

When we take respon­si­bil­ity for our chil­dren we see them as being exten­sions of our­selves. We are more inter­ested in get­ting it done the fastest, eas­i­est way than we are in fur­ther­ing the well-being of all. We too often opt for what will make us look good as par­ents, rather than act­ing to best meet the needs of those involved. We want to be in con­trol rather than teach our chil­dren self-responsibility. We have our own agenda about how things have to be and we resist any­thing that does not go along with our plan. We think our chil­dren define us, that what they do deter­mines our worth so we try to man­age our image through them.

When we take respon­si­bil­ity for our chil­dren we do the fol­low­ing:

We do for them rather than let them do for themselves.

We see them as our pos­ses­sion, rather than as their own individual.

We want to con­trol their behav­ior, thoughts & feelings.

We are more invested in their out­comes (grades, for instance) than they are.

We want them to make us proud, rather than feel proud of themselves.

We see them as inex­pe­ri­enced & there­fore incapable.

We use guilt, shame or force to manip­u­late them to do what we want.

We over-ride or under­mine their desires and deci­sions to keep them dependent.

We demand per­fec­tion from them so we won’t be embarrassed.

We attempt to buy their love with money and things.

We are more inter­ested in hav­ing their approval than in doing what’s right for them.

We let our­selves be ruled by their moods and demands, rather than stand firm.

We make excuses for them rather than face their choices.

We try to pro­tect them from the con­se­quences of their behavior.

We bail them out of trou­ble over and over, rather than allow them to face reality.

We give in to their unre­al­is­tic demands so they won’t “be mad” at us.

Does this describe you as a par­ent? Does it describe the way you were parented?

Be sure and read the fol­low up post; it’s a descrip­tion of being respon­si­ble, as a par­ent, to, rather than for, our children.

Bless­ings, Lynne