photo credit: Dalliano0925?????
We all have a part of us that focuses on the negative and generates resistance to life in the form of negativity. I call that part of us, the “victim ego.”
The victim ego is the part of us that is in constant resistance to the world, with thoughts like, “I didn’t deserve that, it’s not fair” and “Look what they did to me,” or “They’re trying to take advantage of me!”
When we automatically believe everything the victim ego says, we are miserable ALL the time! Meanwhile, the victim ego is quite happy with our negative state of mind because its main course of nourishment is resistance in the form of unhappy feelings! The victim ego is strengthened by negativity.
My own relationships took a dramatic turn towards peace & harmony when I started questioning the things the victim-ego says to me. I use Byron Katie’s, “Four Questions & Turn Arounds” as a process for closely examining & reframing the painful stories that victim ego would have me believe is true. I highly recommend B. Katie’s book, “Loving What Is,” as a resource for freedom from the victim ego.
Another tool I find helpful when I am angry with someone I love is to identify the “should/shouldn’t(s)” I am imposing on them, and question them.
For example, “She shouldn’t be so controlling.”
When I believe she shouldn’t be the way she is, how do I feel? How do I respond to her when I think she shouldn’t be who/how she is? How do I see her? How do I treat her? What sorts of behaviors do I resort to? What would be different if I didn’t have that should about her?
And finally, what’s the exact opposite of that “should” about her?
“She SHOULD be so controlling!
How might that be true? Some possibilities might be,
“She should be so controlling because she is.” (In other words, it is what is. I can either line up with reality (what is) or resist it & make us both miserable.)
“She should be so controlling because who else is going to mirror to me my own need for control?”
And how about turning the statement around from, “She shouldn’t be so controlling,” to say, “I SHOULDN’T BE SO CONTROLLING!“
For instance, I shouldn’t be so controlling about how controlling she is!” 
A universal truth that applies to such situations, says, “We judge and resist the very things in others that we have condemned and denied in ourselves.”
Knowing that, we begin to use the resistances & negative judgments we have towards others to locate where in our own minds that judgment lies. We do it in the name of self-forgiveness and understanding. It brings us compassion for ourselves & others.
Blessings, Lynne
From a recent partially failed relationship i realized that resistances and judgments have their roots in expectations ( explicit as well as un-conscious ones)
Lynne, from you i learnt that if i have expectations form her, it means that i have expectations from myself and i am simply projecting them onto her. I was simply putting too much pressure on myself and thereby onto her.
This clarity made me drop all expectations ( for those who do not believe its possible to drop expectations… yes! its possible!!! .. well, you do spend some days in misery while dropping the expectations) and once i dropped the expectations, everything was clear.
Due to this, our relationship ended on a warm and dignified note instead of a sour and painful one.
Thanks
Love
Rahul
Blessings to you, Rahul. There is an old Sufi saying: “The way is easy for those with no preference.” Letting go of our demanding expectations, we not only free the other, we free ourselves, too.
I appreciate your sharing bits of your journey as you travel from outer reaction to inner reflection.
Our relationship with another can only end right on time. Receiving the lessons that that loved one brings, we part ways when its time with no regret. We can know & trust the way of it. Much love, Lynne
I feel that i am really beginning to understand how my victim ego works against me.…i have been reading a lot about aligning myself with source which for me translates to God.…Shifting my way of thinking from negative to positive has had an effect on my ego and of late i have experienced low key moments where i have felt sad and disappointed and all these past experiences where i was taken advantage of,or where i made mistakes come flashing back and i feel victimized and hopeless…I feel desperate to want to defend myself to others and to the world…yet wanting that doesn’t make me feel better and i know that i had to approach it in a different way.…
As i read this post i feel that all these flashbacks and sad feeling/negative thoughts are just my ego wanting me to shift back to my past negative way of analyzing life…
My question is how does ego relate to my subconscious mind.How are they connected?
I know that i do have past memories that make me feel sad and maybe not so proud of myself but i feel that in spite of everything i don’t need to keep justifying my reason for acting in a certain way to the world or to people around me…That mentality is what comes up each time i am faced with a difficult situation.I find myself defending myself to myself and wanting to defend myself to others..I feel that it would be enough to analyze from within why i do what i do and what i can make better…I feel tired of seeking external approval and assurance…
Alignment with source is my primary goal,but these negative thoughts keep pulling me apart.
Hi Tracy, The victim ego is that part of us born out of our early childhood wounds. Ego consists of an combination of negative emotional charge, painful beliefs and the defenses we’ve accrued for survival. It lives on resistance in all its various forms. So you are absolutely right to suspect that ego is working against you!
The ego is rooted in the subconscious and it has access to the contents of our subconscious. Ego feeds on our unhappy, trying memories from a painful past — they strengthen its idea of itself as being not good enough, unhappy and unloved.
Our task is to access the part of us that simply watches, the Observer-self — it is that state of consciousness we aspire to. From it, we see ourselves and others without judgment, we accept life as it is without demanding it be something different. It is our Observer self that brings peace.
So when ego brings painful memories to the foreground, we observe them and listen to what we tell ourselves about what they mean and we ask ourselves, if those things are true. We learn to use our unpleasant memories as opportunities for healing and reframing our past.