I often talk to clients about the importance of “loving ourselves.” They often nod their heads -after all, it sounds good – but, in reality, they, like most of us, have no idea of how to go about doing it.
What does it mean to “love ourselves?”
To love ourselves means that we put ourselves at the top of our priority list. We do that by assuming complete responsibility for ourselves. Assuming self-responsibility is how we free ourselves from Victimhood. There’s no greater act of friendship towards ourselves than that!
We are the only one who can live our life. No one else can do that for us and we can’t live anyone else’s life. This awareness seems obvious, and yet it is something many of us fail to understand. We seem to think if we take good care of others, then they will return the favor and that’s how it’s supposed to work! Only it doesn’t work like that at all. When we neglect ourselves to care for others, we pay dearly and so do they.
We tend to think it is selfish somehow to make choices based on what’s best for us and so instead we base our decisions on what others want or will approve of. We then end up resentful and blaming when things don’t work out well. All because we consider everyone else’s desires, needs and opinions before our own.
When we “take care of” others at our own expense, we are being unloving towards ourselves. In this way, we unconsciously teach them to discount and neglect us too! We show others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. In other words, we teach others how to “mistreat” us!
We can start loving ourselves better by refusing to do anything that we will later regret. Instead we make our choices based on what is truly best for us.
When we do what it truly right for us, whether or not they agree with us, everyone wins!
Try it and see for yourself!
I have often felt that my anger is triggered each time i feel unloved/unappreciated….when i feel that the other person does not fully appreciate my affection/the work i do i feel neglected and to hide my sadness or disappointment with myself i get angry and lash out…My boss used to make a joke that i am always defending myself and i would always deny it.It makes a lot of sense now because i feel that my love for myself is not enough to out stand criticism from others and hence the reason i feel obligated to always defend myself….i often feel attacked.
As you said its very easy to assume that we love and take care of ourselves fully but for me i realize that i often busy wondering what others think of me and basing my reactions on that.It would feel great to learn to love myself enough to accept other points of views calmly and defend myself from a point of view where i feel good about myself no matter what outcome…
Tracy, I love your honesty! It seems to me that you are really “working” to use this blog as I hoped it would be used. Thank you.
The anger we feel towards others for not appreciating us is a reflection of the anger we feel towards ourselves for not appreciating us!
There’s a rule of thumb that applies here: there is always truth behind our need to defend &/or deny. In other words, when we find ourselves defending or denying something someone is saying to or about us, we can rest assured there is some grain of truth in what they are saying. Why else would we feel the need to be defensive?!
I make it a practice to look for what’s true in what others say to or about me, especially if I find myself wanting to deny or defend!
When we can begin to see it as feedback designed to deepen our understanding of ourselves (no matter what their intentions may be! rather than as personal attack then it becomes fuel for enlightenment!
Blessings and keep up the good work.
Thanks for clarification on this.I will focus more on analysing the reasons behind my defensive reactions and uncover more about myself.Its a really helpful practise for me.
Hi Lynne and Tracy
What tracy said made me recollect that phase of my life when i used to do that. What made me stop doing that was some conscious efforts to get out of the conditioning to defend anything and everything … and the simple but deep realization that “they have not lived the way i did, i rather not expect them to understand my situation in 5 mins”
…. also .. i learnt this from lynne!…that when i take offence and/ or defend, i judge them as much as they are judging me!
With love and gratitude
Rahul
Rahul,
Thanks for pointing that out….It’s interesting to actually learn that by taking offense/defending myself i am judging others as much as they are judging me…