“Setting Boundaries” Or Bullying?

photo credit: Chesi — Fotos CC

As ther­a­pists, we often talk to clients about the dif­fi­culty and the impor­tance of “set­ting bound­aries.” Being able to say no to peo­ple when we need to IS impor­tant; to speak clearly and openly about what works for us and what doesn’t is an essen­tial part of tak­ing care of our­selves. There’s no argu­ing that!

How­ever — I have observed for some of us that “set­ting bound­aries” can become a “ther­a­peu­ti­cally cor­rect” way to con­trol or threaten oth­ers into doing it our way.

What’s the difference?

Chances are, if we are deliv­er­ing a dia­tribe about how we “won’t put up with” or “will not tol­er­ate” some­thing, we are doing more than “set­ting boundaries.”

Chances are, if we are “set­ting them straight about … ” or “not let­ting them get away with” some­thing, we are more likely attempt­ing to intim­i­date or bully the other per­son, because we feel threat­ened. None of these exam­ples are what “set­ting bound­aries” is all about.

So what does it mean to have “healthy boundaries?”

Bound­aries is a word that is used in ther­a­peu­tic cir­cles to define our per­sonal space. It requires that we know what is and what is not included in such space. To set a bound­ary means that we are clear, in our own minds first, about what is impor­tant, even essen­tial to us, and then we are able to com­mu­ni­cate that to the peo­ple we share space with.

The truth is that when we have healthy bound­aries in place, we rarely need to ver­bally express them at all! We exude them nat­u­rally! Healthy bound­aries come across quite well, and appro­pri­ately, in the con­fi­dent & respect­ful way we stand, move and share with others.

Chances are if we find our­selves talk­ing a lot about “hav­ing,” “need­ing,” or “set­ting bound­aries,” we prob­a­bly don’t have healthy ones at all.

Healthy bound­aries are a two way street. We know what we want and need and rec­og­nize and respect the wants and needs of oth­ers. Healthy bound­aries involve clear com­mu­ni­ca­tion, respect for our­selves and oth­ers and a strong sense of per­mis­sion to ask for what we want and need and the abil­ity to hear oth­ers do the same with us. They are trans­mit­ted from the inside out and orig­i­nate from a healthy sense of self.