I worked in addictions/co-dependency treatment for years where we facilitated anger/shame/grief work with our clients, and I was well-schooled in the popular idea that only by releasing childhood suppressed emotional material can we move past our emotional stuck-ness.

That said, however, I have come to question the widely-held assumption that drumming up an emotional response helps us unload accrued emotional pain. I have not found that doing this sort of emotional venting actually eliminates, or dissipates the emotional energy being regurgitated. Instead I’ve seen that the more we drum up feeling, the more feeling we generate for release. This was confusing to me. If the feelings are old, stored up emotion in need of release, then why, in the releasing process, do we seem to generate even MORE of it?

Such inner seeking and questioning allowed me to develop a radically different way of understanding what the role of feelings is in the healing process; that shift in the way I see feelings served to transform the way I work with others. What I realized was that feelings come from thoughts, or from old imprinted belief patterns — only every time.

What we feel is determined by what we think and believe!  This understanding prompted a huge turn around in me because I realized that, until and unless we begin to intervene at the level of what we believe, the grieving(shame/anger) NEVER ends. Initiating feeling work without addressing the beliefs behind those feelings will not bring true clearing. It cannot, because we will just go on generating the negative emotional states we are trying to eliminate! We must question the beliefs and thoughts that produced the feelings in the first place if we want real relief!

It is in the amygdala, that tiny gland located in the temporal lobe of the brain, where thought impulses convert to emotion, which are then transmitted to the rest of the body, producing the physiological responses associated with the feelings generated there.

Please do not misunderstand. I do not mean to undermine the emotional body. It is very important. Our feelings DO play a critical role, and therefore need to be experienced. But what happens when we understand the true relationship between thoughts and feelings is that we work differently with those feelings.

Once we understand that our thoughts, not our life circumstances, cause our pain, we stop feeling at the mercy of life, of other peoples behavior, and of our own feelings! We come to see that the only thing that can possibly victimize us is our own thinking.

Understanding that our beliefs are what causes our feelings allows us to use our feelings as the messengers they are meant to be. Feelings alert us that we are thinking painful thoughts. By questioning those thoughts our feelings can TRULY shift (we’re not talking about denial or stuffing feelings here, but genuine emotional shifts). Misery dissipates as we reframe our perception of a situation. This is what I have seen happen, over and again.

Of course, this is for you to discover for yourself. I recommend that you experiment with the concept that feelings come from our unhappy thoughts, rather than the old idea that feelings come from what happens “to us.” Try questioning your  troubling thoughts about your life happenings, rather than blaming them as being the cause of your unhappy feelings.

To learn more about how to do that, read, Guiding Principles for Life Beyond Victim Consciousness, as well as, “Loving What Is,”  by Byron Katie (www.thework.com).

Blessings, Lynne

Since we are all made in God’s own image then wouldn’t it make sense that we too are three-fold beings? It certainly makes sense to me that each of us, as reflections of the One Trinity, are also ourselves made up of a trinity. It follows in my line or reasoning that deeply embedded within each of us there may well be a “tri-cell of origin” that contains the code for our own inner essence. In fact, sacred geometry claims this indeed is the case.

“For it is written that the foundation of all things is the three.” (*Manley P Hall; The Secret Teachings of All Ages)

Theologians and ancient philosophers like Pythagoras used the equilateral triangle as a symbol representing the three aspects of divinity in God (and man). And again according to sacred geometry this divine trinity remains essentially whole and untouched in the physical form, located precisely at the center point of the body at the base of the spine, which in eastern philosophy is known as the “root chakra.”

This understanding of man as being a three part reflection of the tri-fold being of God is a wonderful validation of an ancient Hermetic axiom, “As above, so below” suggesting that there is within us a tri-fold Divine Inner Spark, or Sacred Code/DNA, that reflects the Holy Trinity. This, then, is our divine center.

The Holy Trinity represents the three “personalities,” or “selves” of God: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Each symbolizes a specific divine attribute with its own distinct function and purpose. 

The Father, (of the Trinity) is the masculine principle that signifies the One Mind. Because the Father is the origin of all the thoughts in the universe, He is often described as “Germinal Reason.”

Bringing life and creation to Earth with His penetrating mental intention and clear-headed acuity and analysis, He is just and strong. Serving as the Great Overseer of all mankind, the Father is That which sits upon His mighty throne holding the sword of truth and righteousness. He governs with sound reason over His earthly domain. He is the active and rational principle of the cosmos. He is the Law and denotes the right use of power. He is the Builder and the source of all activity. He is the Great Manifester. He is the Father of All.

The Holy Spirit is the part of the Trinity that seems to be least understood. The dictionary simply defines it as the “Third person of the Christian Trinity.” A great deal of mystery has surrounded the Holy Spirit for centuries. Perhaps this is partly because of the early church’s resistance to attributing a feminine face to God. Many scholars and seekers believe that the feminine was purposely left out of the Trinity due to the ruling patriarchs disdain for women.

However to me it seems the feminine face of God is not missing at all, for the characteristics ascribed to the Holy Spirit, even as elusive as they may be, fit well the Divine Feminine Archetype.

References in the Bible allude to the Holy Spirit with phrases such as, “… helps us in our weakness…” and “… intercedes for us….” (Romans 8:26). Biblical attributes of the Spirit include, ” … love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control…” (Galatians 5:22). Some of the Gnostic and ancient writings show no hesitation in openly proclaiming the Holy Spirit as the Divine Feminine.

She was referred to as “Aima, the Great Mother … from whose body the generations issue forth.” (*Manley P Hall, The Secret Teachings of All Ages)  From such references we recognize that the Holy Spirit is the nurturing, care-giving aspect of Divinity.

Known as the Great Comforter, this personality of the God-head brings consolation and inspiration. When called upon the Holy Spirit intervenes for us in much the same way a good mother might intercede on behalf of her child. This Divine Mother, or Holy Spirit, holds the memory of who we truly are; she knows our highest potential. Within her vast remembrance is contained all we have ever been, or can ever become. From her unsurpassed compassion and understanding of what has been and can be all intuition flows. She is the vessel of receptivity from which great things are conceived and held in gestation until the time is right for delivery. She is the Holy Mother who intercedes for us all.

The third aspect of the Trinity is simply referred to as the “Son.”  The son is the progeny or manifestation of God, flesh of that flesh, and one with him. He is the “Logos,” the “Word” born from the union of the Father and the Holy Spirit.

The Bible describes the Son as “The Word became flesh … who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:14)  “For the law was given through Moses…” but “… grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” (John 1:17)

He represents the principles of love, truth, and surrender. By illustrating the cycle of birth, death and rebirth, He is the Way-shower and the Great Transformer.  He is the bridge between Heaven (Father) and Earth (Mother) and between our own higher and lower selves. Modeling the path to transcendence through service, He is the sacrificial Lamb of God, and is that part of us that is in service to the Will of the Father.

These are the three personalities of God. But I do not believe that they belong only to our External Source, or God; they are also personalities contained within every one of us.

These divine selves are the direct expression of all that is authentic within the human being. They make up our innermost Reality; they are the core of our eternal essence. Rather than being something “out there” which belongs to an unapproachable and distant God, these personalities lie as dormant potential within us, potential that is waiting to be activated.

This sacred trinity then is the seed of our own Essential Self, containing within it the birthright that is both our right and responsibility to realize. We might think of the tri-cell within as our own embedded “cosmic chip” that is designed to mirror the One Source, God.

This cosmic chip, our own individual spark of Divinity, is what we refer to as our higher-self. It is this receptor site for Source that links us to the eternal Present and our Creator. It is this connection at the very core of our being with Source, however that we all appear destined to forget.

For it is true that long before we recognize that there resides within us this sacred trinity, we come to experience the trinity within us in its inverted or “shadow” form — as the victim triangle.

We come to know the dark expressions of trinity first in negative detail as we play out the shadow version of these three roles on what is known as the Victim Triangle.

To some degree we all experience the chaos and turmoil of victimhood for it is part of the fabric or design of life in this Reality. The symptoms of victimhood — alienation, isolation and shame — are all part of our ongoing life process of birth, growth and change.

The experience of separation and pain we experience on the Victim Triangle is not something that happens accidentally. Separation and alienation are the primary illusions that go with putting on a body suit.

The victim state of consciousness we all experience to some degree is pre-ordained and, I believe, even a necessary part of the human experience. We are here to walk this journey as humans on the way to our divine inheritance and part of that walk is the experience of the trials that accompany alienation. Why? For the sole purpose of expanding our consciousness to the point that allows us to reclaim our birthright — the holy trinity within.

Like the acorn that holds the map of unfoldment for the magnificent oak, we too contain within us the sacred code of an inner and Divine Trinity that continues to radiate goodness and guidance throughout our lives, awaiting a time when we will once again remember  and awaken to who we truly are.

During such fall-out, we use the real life situation to teach the children (and ourselves) more about applying the guiding principles to life, and to learn ways of getting off of the Bully/victim triangle.

This past weekend was such a time. There were four of our kids with us on this particular weekend, along with their respective moms, and we had a great opportunity come up that gave us a chance to work with the kids to help them identify their roles on the bully triangle and to explore boundaries as a way to get off of the triangle.

It was a situation between the two nine year old boys that set things in motion. As often is the case, there was no adult that witnessed the mishap, so we didn’t have an objective opinion as to what had actually transpired. We only knew that there was one who claimed to have been abused, and who, in fact, was slightly injured, and another who denied being involved at all.

So we pulled out the Bully Mat, a 5x5 plastic mat with the kid’s version of the Bully Mat inscribed on it — and I asked them to place themselves on it in the role (helpless baby, bully, hero-helper) they believed best fit the one they played in the dynamic that had gone on between them.

The injured party immediately sat down on the Helpless Baby/victim spot, and the other, without hesitation, put himself on the Bully/persecutor spot. Amazing how honest kids will be when there is no fear of judgment. Both knew exactly what their roles were. And although one had verbally denied involvement, he had nonetheless put himself exactly on the bully role he had played on the triangle

We began to explore the dynamics — I started with the Bully. As so often happens, the squeakiest wheel gets the attention, and so it is often when there is an issue between children, that the bully who causes the greatest stir, ends up getting all the attention (Even though it’s not usually ‘positive’ attention). This is something we must be aware of when we work with kids because otherwise we may inadvertently end up reinforcing bully behavior, rather than dissuading it, simply because being a bully WORKS to get the attention sought by these children.

I worked with our “bully” to help him uncover how, when he bullies, the next move on the triangle from Bully is to the Helpless Baby, or Victim role (for instance, when the other person strikes back or when an outside authority comes down on him).

We then explored the definition of boundaries, and he discovered that when he does not respect another person’s space, it invites others to impede on his space, even to take away his space and freedom. He came to see that unless he heeds the boundaries of others, outside forces will take charge and enforce boundaries on him, which might well result in the loss of his personal freedom. In other words, he was able to SEE how his impulsive behavior was not a kind, or loving way to treat himself!

Later, I asked the other boy, our injured party, if he was willing to explore with me his own role as Helpless Baby. It was fascinating to watch this nine year old stand on the mat in the role of Helpless Baby, and take on the very posture that was drawn on the mat, in stick figure form, to illustrate the Helpless Baby/victim posture.

Obviously still deeply entrenched in the victim role, he spoke in a low, whiney whisper about how he had not done anything to deserve the treatment he’d received at the hands of the other boy. When I asked him to notice his posture, his eyes filled with tears, and he began to throw furtive looks at his mom, as if to say, “Aren’t you going to help me? SAVE ME!”

I asked him if he was hoping his mom would rescue him right now, and he replied, “it’s just that I can’t help my posture. It’s just natural.” In other words he went deeper into victim, just like many of us do so often when we are on the victim triangle.

We either spiral deeper into victim consciousness, hoping, pleading, demanding, that someone save us, or we jump up into one of the other positions, by either going on the defensive by bullying (becoming the bully), or by placating, and trying to ‘make it all better’ (by rescuing).

We talked about how our physical posture is a reflection of where we are mentally, and I asked him to imagine himself in a different posture. “What would be different in the way you handled this situation if your posture had been different, say  if you were coming from a stronger, stance?”

By the end of our session, he had learned that how others treat us often depends on our very posture. And more important, he had figured out that the way to change the posture is by changing the thoughts, from thoughts that engender a sense of powerlessness to those that promote a feeling of being strong and capable instead.

His tears dry now, his posture had shifted to a more erect, comfortable stance, and his eyes met mine directly as he looked up at me, smiled and nodded. He had figured out that being a helpless baby may get you rescued, but leaves you feeling weak and dependent, and actually even invites attack by bullies! Suddenly he was holding the key to something HE could do to protect himself, rather than to rely on being saved by the closest rescuer.

Both boys learned important information about how to take self-responsibility in ways relevant to their own stance on the triangle. Self-responsibility is indeed the keynote for freedom from the bully triangle.

We are deeply empowered and blessed to know these simple truths, and to be able to share them with our children.

Lynne

I have had someone who has lived mostly on the periphery of my life who has done a beautiful job of playing that role for me, and for her, I am eternally grateful.

This dear friend, my heart/soul sister, has taught me so much, just through giving me the opportunity to observe that part of me that she represents to me. Through her, even from a distance, I have been able to observe “me” as if I had ventured down her path instead of my own.

Because we are alike in so many ways; her path has beautifully, sometimes eerily, reflected my own, with so many similarities in common such as family dynamics, and our work in the world, and yet we are, in many ways, exact opposites.

I had  the chance recently to visit with my friend after an eighteen year separation. It was immediate and palpable between us, the presence of our ‘forever’ connection, we both commented on the feeling, as if it had been only yesterday since we were last together — the sense that no matter how many miles or years may have come between us, nothing had changed in our deep love for and comfort level with one another. Yes, it was as palpable as ever, and so “weepingly sweet,” to be together for a few minutes again after so many years apart. (Although thanks to facebook and internet, we have been able to stay somewhat connected.)

And yet, within moments of our sweet reunion, we were at it again, with that lighthearted sort of oppositional banter that exact opposites often resort to with one another. We are indeed SO alike in our differences!

Starting with our physiques, my tall angularity stands in stark contrast to her soft, small, ultra-feminine frame and provides the first clue of exactly just how opposite we are. We are both aware of our polarized paths and talked about it that very evening over Thai food — marveling over how polar opposite we are and yet, so alike … . We spoke about how her style and teaching is much more lunar, stirring the dark waters of the ancient mysteries, and the inner psyche using ritual, and the tools that go with it, such as drums, rattles, feathers, and stones, as compared to my more solar and masculine, matter-of-fact approach.

While she works with the dark feminine intuitive powers within the psyche, I work with the mind, unveiling our unhappy beliefs and learning concrete, palpable tools and basic guiding principles to help us align with Reality and the way things are.

There is no judgment here. I am not saying one is better or worse, one right, the other wrong … just that they are simply opposite approaches, styles, ways of being.

How lucky am I to have someone in my life so like me in many ways, and yet so different … someone who can model for me my opposite self!

I am reminded of some recent research in physics I read about. Evidently it has been established through experimental research that every particle in the human body has an equal and opposite anti-particle. The two, particle, and anti-particle, are identical except that they are exact opposites. The particle stays home (in the body), while the anti-particle travels out into the energy field playing the role of a sort of “look-out,” and a messenger.

This “messenger’s” job is to constantly report its findings out in the field back to its particle back home. AND here’s something really cool — they have found anti-particles as far as a football field away from their particle opposites in the body! Think about the implications of that energetically speaking!

We are made up of millions of these particles, paired up with their roving, data-carrying, anti-particles, who are busily traveling out, creating an energetic field that radiates out, who knows how far away from us, that is constantly relaying messages through electrical impulses back and forth to us “faster than the speed of light.” We are being kept ‘energetically’ informed and ever in touch with the world around us.

In that same research it was also found that whenever we encounter another person, we exchange anti-particles with them. We literally walk away with particles of their energy in our energy field. You could say, we “take them with us.” (See I told you they can never really leave us. )

Perhaps this constant back and forth exchange between particles and anti-particles explains how whales and people are able to relay information to one another across continents.

Such research leads me to ponder the possibility of the role that my precious friend and I may be playing for one another.… Perhaps, like an anti-particle to my particle self (and vice-versa) it is her job, and my job for her, to allow each other the opportunity to learn not only from the path we are presently walking but, through our “anti-particle sister”, we also have the opportunity to learn from the path we did not choose.

I don’t know if any of this is true or not. I only know it brings me radiant joy to think it so. Blessings, Lynne

So what does it mean to “love ourselves?”

To love ourselves does, in truth, mean to put ourselves at the top of our own priority list. Loving ourselves means to understand that we are the ones in charge of the quality of life we experience, and therefore it is up to us to initiate the life we want.

I have come to see that loving ourselves IS the single most loving thing we can do, not only for ourselves, but for those around us too, for if we don’t love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves, then there’s a good chance someone else will have to take care of us instead! It’s that simple. For this reason alone, I am a great believer in being “self-centered,” i.e. “centered in ‘self.’ ”

So how do we go about loving ourselves?

The primary way we love ourselves is by assuming complete responsibility for ourselves, our thoughts and feelings, for our attitude, our health, AND our behavior.

To assume self-responsibility is to free ourselves from Victimhood. There is no greater act of friendship towards ourselves, or others, than to take responsibility for ourselves because it paves the way for personal freedom and happiness!

We are the only one who can live our own life. No one else can do that for us and we can’t live anyone else’s. This awareness seems fairly obvious, and yet many of us  seem to fail at truly getting it.

We seem to think instead, that if we take care of others long enough and good enough, then they will return the favor. That’s our idea of how it’s supposed to work! Only it doesn’t work like that at all. When we neglect ourselves to take care of others, neither of us profits.

Usually because we think it is selfish to make choices based on what’s best for us, we tend, instead, to base our decisions on what others want, “need,” or on what we think they will approve of. But then we end up feeling unappreciated or resentful towards them when they don’t appreciate the sacrifices we made for them (as if they “made” us do it). And we blame them when things don’t work out the way we think they should.

But when we “take care of” others at our own expense, we are not loving ourselves. Instead, we unconsciously teach those we sacrifice our needs for to treat us with the same lack of disdain and unimportance with which we treat ourselves.We model to them how to discount and neglect us, so why, then, would we be surprised when they mistreat us too?

Make a decision to start treating yourself better by loving you first, and you may find that the love you feel inside for you overflows into your relationship with others in ways that are mutually loving to you both.

Remember, when we do what is truly right for us, whether or not they agree with us, everyone wins!

Try it and see for yourself!

Blessings, Lynne

As part of developing the program for elementary age children, I wrote a ‘kid-friendly’ version of the Guiding Principles of Reality that I use with adults, and I decided to share it with you. Even as adults, we can always learn a little something new from reading the principles.

What are the Guiding Principles of Reality?

They are the precepts through which we see the world when we are grounded in Reality. The guiding principles are the basic concepts that make life the way it is.

We discover that when we line up with Reality through the ‘laws’ or guiding principles that govern it, we often get immediate relief from all the internal, and external, conflict that goes with living our lives on the Victim Triangle*.

Rather than being based on some idealistic notion of how things should be the guiding principles are practical & work quickly and effectively to help us re-establish peace in our lives.

After you read these over, you might want to read my original fourteen guiding principles too ( http://wp.me/p20bss-G2 ).

The Guiding Principles for Kids:

1. We can choose which of our thoughts to believe.

2. Our feelings comes from what we tell ourselves (our thoughts) about what happened, not the happening itself.

3. When we believe unhappy thoughts, we feel bad, and then we mistreat others.

4. When we change the way we think, feel, and act towards ourselves, the way others treat us will automatically change too.

5. The thing we negatively judge in others is either that which we already hate, or that which we fear might be true, about ourselves.

6. Everything we do has consequences. When we act in loving ways, kindness comes our way. When we act in painful ways, we harvest more pain.

7. No matter how bad things may seem, if we look and listen closely enough, we can find something good to be glad about. We can choose how to see life, and that choice will determine how happy we are.

8. What we pay attention to grows. For a happier life, we learn to turn our attention away from the things we don’t want and to pay attention to what we want to see more of in our lives.

9. There are no “bad” kids. But we do automatically misbehave when we believe painful, unhappy thoughts about ourselves and others.

10. To take care of ourselves by being kind and loving to ourselves is how we become self-responsible. Taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions allows us the freedom to live a happy life.

To learn more about our work with children, check out our Conscious Kids online!

Blessings, Lynne

We use the ‘facts’ we gather from others who share our stance, as well as the ‘evidence’ we have collected from our own life experience, to verify to ourselves that what we believe is true. For this is the way the mind works. The mind takes a stand and then goes about the business of proving itself right in the stand it has taken.

This is how we create our own personal reality (often otherwise known as our “own mind-made hell.”)

And, well … I don’t know; maybe we ARE right in our assumptions regarding this “thing,” whatever it is … but if we are to do fair research, we must ask ourselves a very important question, the answer to which clearly points out the effect on our experiment of our own biased belief.

The question we must ask ourselves is this; “How is MY presence & participation in this evidence-gathering experiment affecting my findings?”

“How does my own unconscious bias & the feelings that arise naturally from believing it lead to reactions that inevitably end up supporting it? How does my mental stance affect the creditability of my findings?”

The effect our own beliefs/biases have on what we ‘see’ in the world is especially relevant to the outcomes we experience when we come to understand that we literally believe a ‘thing’ (ism, idea, concept, opinion, etc) into being.

We tend to forget that we feel and play the role of whatever part the mind assigns us; we forget that our default reaction when the mind BELIEVES something is for our feelings and behavioral reactions to line up with what we believe.

In other words, we feel and act as if what we tell ourselves is true and when we tell ourselves that others should see this ‘thing’ the way we do, think the way we do, and respond like we think they should, we act in ways that go along with those presumptions, and through our interaction based on these biases, we invite others to respond in ways that will tend to prove us right. In other words, we find the evidence we are looking for — every time — and we don’t even see our part in the mix!

For a less biased ‘research project,’ notice what it is that you feel most passionately about. Look at the part of you that feels compelled to defend your opinion. Who or what are you defending it to or against? What do you think should be different. Find the bias or underlying belief behind it all & then ask yourself, “What part do I play in proving this ‘thing’ to be true? What is the emotional, mental, and physical harvest of that belief?”

Question your biases as a way to step back from your subsequent feelings and default reactions, especially if they are unhappy ones, and then measure as a true witness the truth of your previous biases.

You might be pleasantly surprised to find that without the conviction that some unhappy ‘thing’ is true, we are suddenly freed from having to feel, to act, and to thereby prove, that it is true!

Blessings,

Lynne

I thought about it several times before I responded, and at one point, was tempted not to respond at all. The comments I read were steeped in support for the father’s reaction, and I could see their point! I understand the frustration of parents and adults who feel completely at wit’s end with knowing how to deal with these kids!

Indeed, we do seem to have reached a saturation point, as parents and adults working with kids, of frustration and fear of our children that has us right at the brink of desperation — or so it appears to me.

We find ourselves not knowing what else to do except to turn our full fury upon them!

We look around and see a world run amok with, literally, gangs of unruly teenagers who share in common a misery deep seated misery that blames the rest of the world for their suffering. Some suffer from total deprivation, and others suffer from an entitlement mentality that demands that something be done for them NOW to alleviate their boredom, and their misery.

I understand that there are many parents who must be totally tired to the bone of that dance with their adolescent offspring.

But here’s the thing I ask us to remember before we resort to such volatile action as exhibited by our fed-up dad, and it’s the law: Violence begets more violence.

Children are always watching us. They learn more by far from what they see then they learn from what is said to them. If you yell at your son not to smoke, as you light one up, which directive do you think he is more likely to follow? The one he sees? Or the one he hears?

Our children learn how to handle life and their emotional responses by watching how we, their parents, react and respond to life. If we, as their parents, react from anger at them by destroying what belongs to them (even if we ARE the ones who gave it to them), we show them that when they are angry at someone, it is justifiable to destroy that person’s stuff. This is just for starters! There are other lessons inherent in such dramatic demonstation as well.

I find it fascinating that the very thing this dad is so angry with his daughter about is the very thing he is doing here in this video in his interaction with her! He got on Facebook and did the exact same stuff he described her as doing to him! He got on Facebook “behind her back,” and ranted against her! He feels disrespected because she ranted against him, so he retaliates by ranting disrespectfully against her, and then takes it a step further, and destroys her property! What will she need to do to one-up this one? O my, the stakes DO get high, don’t they?!

Sorta reminds me of the movie “The War of The Roses,”  with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, about a couple going through a divorce and battling it out to total disastrous ends. It’s such a human thing to do — but oh so painful and truly unnecessary really!

My heart goes out to this distraught parent who must have felt at wit’s end to take such drastic action, and to his confused, equally angry daughter, who knows only how to react according to what she’s seen modelled by the adults around her.

Theirs is a blatant example of the all-too common reality that lies behind the words, “we teach others how to treat us!” This father has surely shown his daughter an example of how to treat others. She now gets to choose.

We have developed a model of working with kids. We call it the Reality Formula for Kids™. Email me for more information or click here to learn about some of our offerings for kids:

One of the basic guiding principles tells us that those around us are mere reflections of our own mind, and in particular, they reflect our relationship with ourselves. What that usually means is that our critics reflect to us that part of ourselves that has judged us in a similar way as what they are criticizing in us.

I’ve come to see that criticism doesn’t have to be a problem, and that it’s ok even when they  are right in their criticism of us (which if we are committed to truth, we will find that their criticism has SOME validity even though it won’t be true necessarily in the way they describe it!

We’ve passed a major milestone when we can hear criticism of ourselves without reacting negatively. To do so requires that we let go of the unrealistic expectation that we be right and perfect!

What criticism can become for us instead of a problem is an opportunity to model to others, and especially our children, about how to handle criticism in a way that furthers connection, rather than in a way that distances us. How else are others going to learn how to receive criticism from us, unless we model for them how it’s done!

Here are the steps for handling criticism well:

First: take a deep breath and remind yourself not to take their criticism personally. People say and do what they do because they believe what they think. Even when they think it’s about us, it’s not. Therefore we do not have to take on their story about us. We can choose to feel compassion for their compulsion to believe their unhappy thoughts about us (after all who suffers? Only those who believe the unhappy story!)  How many times have we made ourselves miserable by believing unhappy thoughts about others?

Second step: when we do respond, we do it from a neutral place. There is nothing to defend when we don’t take on their story. We simply understand that they see us the way they do, and we empathize with the pain that seeing us like that brings… AND,

The third step is to look for and own what in their criticism is true for us! Even if we know that what they are criticizing in us is not true in the way they describe it, we look past their example to where their criticism DOES fit — very often, we find that fit in our own judgments against ourselves. This is the gift from our critics. They show us where we are out of harmony with ourselves.

Fourth step: remember to thank them for their feedback, we tell them that we can see that there is truth in what they say, and that we appreciate their willingness to be honest with us. These are not niceties … we mean it! We really are seeing how their criticism serves us, and we are grateful for growth however it come to us, even when it is framed in negative words.

I know this formula may sound radical.  It is radical, in terms of what’s considered to be normal interaction between people these days. We are often afraid to admit our weaknesses, our mistakes, and our short-comings, for one thing, because we are sure that to do so renders us flawed, less than, unacceptable, weak, and vulnerable in the eyes of others.

I have found however that the opposite is true.

We teach people, and especially our family members, how to treat us. When we get defensive and reactive, we model that as being the way to respond. Then we don’t understand why our children deny, justify, minimize, and rationalize their own mistakes! Who taught them? Who taught you to react defensively when someone says something you don’t like?

Our job is not to blame these teachers, our critics,  but to transform the model of receiving their feedback, so that we are able to turn criticism into working feedback, and show them how to do the same.

If you are interested in learning more about the basic guiding principles, read about them on my blog and for a step by step process of moving beyond victim consciousness, get me book: Guiding Principles for Life Beyond Victim Consciousness.

Hope this was helpful.

Blessings,

Lynne

There are some good guidelines to try and safeguard it from happening, placing the brunt of responsibility on already over-burdened teachers with numbers beyond their capacity in the classroom to keep the bullies at bay … but what about when there are no grown-ups around? What then? It’s inevitable, bullies will bully as long as it works for them to do so.

It must stop working for them, before real transition can happen.

I’ve found that bullying the bully for bullying only perpetuates the unwanted behavior in the long-run. Winning their cooperation is the only way to get lasting results.

We teach the “victim” of bullying to take better care of themselves, & we refuse to expect the worse from the bully by including them in the healing dynamic, rather than ostracizing them — and something begins to capture their attention, and eventually, their respect.

How do I know? I’ve witnessed it many times.

And since I can already hear you who work with children asking, “How do we do what is suggested above in our classrooms and in our home?” let me share some suggestions about how to go about winning a “bully’s” cooperation (suggestions for teachers):

• We educate the whole class about the 3 roles on the Bully Triangle. We show how the roles rotate and allow the bully to see that when they bully they end up in the victim, or “Helpless Baby” role.
• We teach the kids that it is the consequences of their choices which determines the behavior that drives them around the triangle … this helps bully’s begin to connect with the recognition that every time they bully they only end up furthering attack on themselves.
• We help the children see what it would like to make choices that DON’T drive us around the Bully Triangle. Such awareness gradually helps bully’s make better informed choices about whether they want to bully next time around. Especially once they understand where it takes them.

It is a simple process — not easy, AND yes, it is a process that requires consistency, and clear boundaries.

It also requires:

• Adult supervision that calls each child to self-accountability (yes, including the “Victim/Helpless Baby” whose job it is to take care of themselves by getting out of the way, refusing to collapse into helplessness, speaking up loudly at the time of violation so that awareness is brought to the situation at hand.
• A willingness to model the process of self-responsibility we ask of the children we share this model with. We show them how to do this work, by owning our part in various situations (whenever we see our part!), and we confess it, without undue self-abasement, when we get caught up in triangular dynamics in our own lives.
• We teach ourselves, and the kids we work with to look at the pay-offs for staying in Helpless Baby/Victim or Bully/Persecutor roles!
• A commitment to believe in the *Bully-Free Model and apply it consistently in our homes, our classrooms, and in our own relationship with ourselves.
• The willingness to allow natural consequences, even harsh ones on occasion, to play out as the harvest for painful choices made … not as punishment, but as a teaching opportunity for all involved.

In essence, we shift our perception from that of seeing the situation, or the “bully” as a “bad problem” that needs to be punished or gotten rid of, we see instead a chance for everyone involved to grow and mature, and to learn more about taking charge of our own lives.

Blessings,

Lynne

*The Bully Free Model is a toolkit we are creating in response to local schools request that we bring our model into their classroom. The Bully-Free Toolkit will include a bully mat for the classroom, an interactive educational tool for teaching the model, and eventually, (within the year) a workbook for teachers and parents. I’ll keep you posted on its availability to the public!