Family scapegoats are not born bad — no matter how tempting it is to think so.
They don’t just randomly appear. Scapegoats are created, plain and simple, through guilt & shame. Here is some of what is involved in turning a lovable child into the family vexation.
A child, often the second-born, is designated to be the problem child in a struggling family. This is not a conscious assignment but one that occurs naturally in a system in need of someone to hold responsible for the dysfunction that abounds there. The more dysfunctional the family, the more problematic the scapegoat will need to be.
Basic needs go unmet. A common rule in dysfunctional families is the belief that it’s selfish to take care of oneself. Therefore no one has permission to take care of themselves. Instead everyone is waiting for someone else to meet their needs and feeling resentful when that doesn’t happen. The finger of blame is pointed squarely at the designated scapegoat who becomes the one held responsible for the unhappiness and unmet needs of the other family members.
Scapegoats most often arrive in the family after the “good stuff”(validation, acceptance & nurturing) has already been given over to an older sibling. So instead of positive reinforcement, this child gets primarily negative attention from parents and other family members.
The child who is scapegoated absorbs the family’s pain as if it were their own. They take on the pain of the family and, like the rest of the family, come to see themselves as “the bad seed” — the family problem”. Because the scapegoat buys the story that the problems in the family are their fault, they act out the part they’ve been assigned.
It’s a natural law that our behavior is intrinsically linked to what we believe. Whatever we believe, we act out. Scapegoats see themselves as bad and therefore they act in ways that prove that it’s true. In this way they provide all the evidence needed to verify that, indeed they are the family problem.
The family scapegoat feels hurt and unloved inside, even while on the outside, they act out in painfully reactive and defensive ways. They feel blamed, rejected and mistreated and retaliate by hurling insults and assaulting those they perceive as their accusers.
The more blamed a scapegoat feels the worse they act. The worse they act, the more alarmed the rest of the family becomes. The family goes from concern to anger to outright fear for (and of) this “problem child”.
Family members believe that if the scapegoat would just stop being such a problem everything would be fine … Family members are unaware that on a deep level they actually perpetuate the scapegoats troublesome behavior. They are unconscious of the part of them that needs something outside themselves to blame and so don’t notice how their responses end up reinforcing the problem behavior.
The cycle of those who blame and the one who is blamed continues — on and on — the family will continue to need a scapegoat until individuals within the system begin to take responsibility for their part in creating the dysfunction.
by thp365
At the age of 68, the definition SCAPEGOAT explains why my life has been as it is. How do I accept and change it?
Dot, your question is a universal one. It is the question that inevitably follows awareness. We see the pattern — we want to change it (i.e. get rid of it
Of course, why not? When we recognize the painful consequences that such patterns have created in our lives we want to FIX IT NOW! I understand.
The good news is that the adjustment needed for transformation is an internal one. We learn to question our own thinking and realize that the one who perpetrates this painful role of scapegoat is me! .… ourselves (did I mention that I was the primary scapegoat in my own family growing up? So I know about this stuff firsthand.)
As long as we go on unquestionably believing the limited definition about who we are that was unconsciously handed to us by our families, we will go on acting the part. This brings a harvest of evidence that we ARE that.
This is the work I do with people. I teach people how to recognize the limiting story they have been believing about themselves and question it. It is a process for freedom from a limited mind.
Hope this helps … it’s never too late to be free. It is the mind we liberate. A mental shift changes our whole world. Literally, the way we feel inside lightens and how the world treats us too.
Feel free to continue our dialogue here.
Blessings, Lynne
I just wanted to add to Dots comment. I personally feel the biggest thing we are on this earth for is to learn about love. To love and accept ourselves is the most important. I too was a scapegoat, and dont have that much contact with my family. The reason for me not having much contact is well they still operate in much the same way they did when I was a child. My mother because of her own upbringing, does not know how to love. Love herself, and love others. Her behaviour is very toxic. So I guess about 14 years ago, I moved approximately 700 miles away. I ended up getting pregnant from the first guy that showed me attention when I was only 16. I am 36 now and have three beautiful children. I used to be in and out of relationships all my life, but I was really lucky as had a very lucky experience just under two years ago, and it was like I saw the box I had been enclosed in for the past 34 years. I had been very successful with my profession etc. But now realise having a stressful job, a big car and a big house is no measurement for success. There is light at the end of the tunnel through all of this madness. The most important person is you. You cannot change the past, but you can change your conditioning. You have been conditioned to think a certain way. You can change your reality. You cannot change another persons reality, but you can change yours. I read somewhere, that what can be helpful is doing what is called a genogram I think its called. A bit like a family tree, but based on behaviour. I was able to do mine in my head in about 3 seconds, as we did not have much contact with anyone outside the immediate family! Ha. Seriously though, you are still young enough to gain your own personal freedom, your own truth, your true self. You have the courage to do this, and this is YOUR TIME to do it. On the plus side of coming out of dysfunctional families, it gives us a great number of skills that we can take to every situation of our lives. All we really need is the courage to take away the fear of looking for us. I can only speak for myself, but I have definately been WORTH looking for. I would never get into another bad relationship, as I value ME far too much. Furthermmore, I am still learning to have a relationship with who I am, who I truly am!
Going back to your question, how do you accept it. Well families are real good at telling you that everything was OK, when it clearly was not. So I would do as much research on the net as you can on dysfunctional families, inner child healing, scapegoats etc. The more you read about it, the more you will begin to realise the dishonesty and fear you have lived with all your life. If you can, try and go for a walk with lots of nature around you, only once a week at first as that is achievable, for ten minutes initially. Keep doing the reading. Print stuff off, that you can take with you on your little walks. Bring bread to feed the ducks. Buy yourself a colouring book and colour in the pictures with markers and dont worry about staying inside the lines. Buy yourself a teddy bear. Remember the child you were and still are within, love her with everything that you have, as she needs to be heard, needs to be loved and needs to be cherished, as Dot that inner little girl is you! Finally, forgive yourself for anything you may have done to hurt you. Lots and lots of love xxxx
Dot, I saw this just now, and thought it may be helpful for a starting point
IAM MY OWN AUTHORITY
Anonymous
I must give myself the right to be me – to function as I see fit. It is impossible to have a sound self-concept until I am true to myself and accept full responsibility for my own individual life, my own need fulfillment. At any instant I can start a new life.
I ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM – I DEMAND OF MYSELF THE RIGHT:
To recognize myself as the most important and interesting person in the world – a unique and precious part of life.
To feel warm and happy, kind and living toward myself.
To realize that at my divine center I am no better or worse, or more or less important, than anyone else in the entire world.
To be different, to make mistakes, to be “wrong,” to be inadequate.
To take the time and effort to fulfill my own needs.
To be happy and free – to be harmonious and effective – to succeed.
To be open and kind, loving and lovable – compassionate and helpful.
To be keenly sensitive and aware – radiantly healthy and energetic.
To do less than perfect – to be inefficient, to procrastinate, to “goof off,” to kill time.
To perceive myself as an absolute “nothing” – unworthy and unneeded.
To have “unacceptable” thoughts, images, desire and experiences.
To allow others to make mistakes, to be “wrong” – to be ignorant, to be “screwed-up.”
To act spontaneously, to resist, to change my mind, to be stubborn.
To be emotional – to love, to cry, to be angry, to be selfish and uncaring.
To drop all masks and images – to not fulfill other’s expectations and images of me.
To be criticized condemned, disapproved, disliked and unwanted.
To fail and to learn from it.
To be loyal, courageous, and exceptional – in both my person and my work.
To accept my own authority – to follow my own “knowing.”
I allow myself complete freedom and I recognize that I am inescapably responsible for all my decisions and actions. For I must inevitably pay the price incurred. I profit or suffer, learn and grow according to the “nature and consequences” of my act. I realize that “good and evil,” right and wrong,” are but intellectual concepts, for there is only wisdom and unwisdom, only wise and unwise acts.
Therefore, prior to serious decisions I ask myself, “Is this act wise? (i.e., will it injure myself or others – will it contribute to my basic needs – is it in alignment with the laws and forces of life?) What is the total price involved? Can I afford to pay it? And, am I willing to accept the consequences?”
I know that in the final analysis I need answer only to myself and that I have all the time there is for my total unfoldment – that at worst I can only postpone my ultimate reunion with the Infinite. However, wisdom and love, freedom and joy beckon me onward and I choose to proceed as rapidly as my prevailing perception and wisdom allow.
This article is absolutely right on. I have never read anything like it my whole life. Now I understand why I was the scapegoat in my family.
It is so sad that we had to go through all of this. I personally had an eating disorder, which is thankfully under control, though everytime I spend time with my mother I have an urge to hurt myself in this way. She daily blames, belittles, and criticizes everything I do. Luckily I live thousands of miles away and only see her rarely. She criticizes mostly the things that I am good at (she is jealous). To be honest, I spent my entire life trying to prove to her that I am not “bad” and not trying to destroy my family of origin. I suppose I am a combination of family hero and scapegoat.… At the end of the day, I can be President, and in her eyes she will still blame me and I will be wrong. I am happy about my successes, but I think it is about time that I come to terms with the fact that she will never change. These types of people rarely do.… So I told her just a few days ago “I don’t care what you think. Let me say it again, I don’t care what you think of me”.…. Epiphany.…
Ali, you are right to realize that it’s not your mothers approval you need! It is YOUR approval you truly need and it’s your judgment of you that your mother reflects to you! Her own unhappy story about life is what she believes and never questioned and so projects onto you and it has nothing to do with you. But her projections are not what cause your unhappiness.
To think she is the source of your unhappiness is you being unkind to yourself. It is your BELIEF in what she says that causes you unhappiness! Remember we only judge people when we are unhappy with ourselves (an in the same ways we judge them usually.) It’s a law of human nature that we project our judgments of self on to others and then hate them for what we have not forgiven or accepted in ourselves. (This is as true for your mother as it is for you.)
Your job is to notice the things your mothers says to or about you that upset you most and then look for that part of you that believes those things too (there’s no other reason these words would upset you.) It’s your opinion of you that is begging to be uplifted.
As a family scapegoat, I found that it was in forgiving and loving myself that approval was found — first my own acceptance & approval and then, amazingly enough (and it DID seem a miracle) my family became more accepting. The kinder I was to me the kinder they were to me … Oh could that be because my acceptance of myself began to naturally extend to them?! I think so. It was a shock for me to realize that I was as judgmental of them as they (& I) were of me.
So for this dynamic to change, we must stop scapegoating ourselves FIRST… otherwise we go on feeling victimized by our family. They are not the ones who are doing it to us — we ARE hurting ourselves by believing the lie .… When we believe the negative things we hear them say about us we hurt ourselves. This is treating ourselves very unkindly.
By making our harsh judgments conscious we can begin to question these beliefs and find how the exact opposite of those judgments are at least as true. (ex: “I am to blame for my family’s problems …” becomes “I am NOT to blame for my family’s problems .… My THINKING is responsible for MY own problems however!”)
Blessings on your journey to self love and acceptance.
Lynne
Hello,
I’m Krishna and I have just read these correspondences about Scapegoats. I have been a severe scapegoat all of my life. I have struggled endlessly and read so many self-help books, and tried to fix myself in so many ways. Thinking all along that I was ‘bad’. I have had boyfriends call me ‘bad’; I finally started challenging that by saying ‘I am NOT bad!’ I lived most of my childhood and adult life with my head hung down in shame, wondering why I was ‘bad’ but simply accepting it at the same time. I have most certainly been isolated and expelled by my family; I still have a fair amount of contact with them, but I am always the last one to be contacted when decisions are being made about when/where to meet and what to do; I am simply ‘informed’ about the decisions the other family members have made. I recently finally stopped accepting last-minute afterthought invitations to ‘hang out’ with them; I realized long ago that I was not being treated with respect at all by them. So now, they call me sometimes and I tell them I am too busy to come over (and be ignored, disrespected, overlooked, etc). So they come over to my place every once in awhile, and that way I’m on my own turf and I feel a little more empowered than when I go to my sister’s just to be ignored etc. I realized that I need to stop putting energy into relationships which have proven over and over to be destructive to me. I HAVE indeed treated myself badly, unkindly, all of my life, up until recently and I still struggle with that. But at least I think about it now, and question it, when I do find myself repeating those patterns. Ironically, I am not the middle child but the oldest. There are three of us. I am super sensitive too, and usually very, very kind and loving toward others; it’s just me that I end up leaving behind; I seem to have no love for little Krishna, only for everyone else. But that is changing and I want to say that these writings here have helped me alot; it’s just SOOOOO relieving to know that I’m not alone. I mean throughout history there have been groups and even countries of scapegoats; on a larger level that is; but to find individuals to identify with, who are going through the same thing, is just.… wonderful. I thank you for writing what you have written and hope that what I have contributed might help someone. Feel free to email me as I am open and available to discuss.
Thank you and yes, much luck on that all-important journey to self-discovery, love, respect and acceptance,
Krishna
Hey Lynn, I have read your article about “scapegoats” and that fits my family to a tee. I grew up in a “religious” dysfunctional family (which, in my opinion, are the worst), and I was always pretty much the scapegoat. My mother was controlling, and angry and would always say that I was “always doing something” and if I had any sound advice to give her (especially about money and education) it would be shot down as being né of my many “lies”. I have very little contact with my cousins, because of the publication of my first novel. Now I cannot wait until the time comes when I can physically move away from them and live my life the way I want to. (which will be very soon)
Thanks for that eye-opening piece.
David
Thanks for this article and all your posts. I was doing a search and stumbled across this… it seems helpful and healing to read othrs’ personal experiences, and I appreciate that. I’m in my early 40s and trying to come to terms with this.…after a lifetime of going back and forth,.. believing my parents and family dynamics would change if I only did this or that, or as they realized things.. or believing the ‘deep down they really love you and want what’s best for you’ only to have the next rude awakening hit me in the face that this is just not the case. My Mother is in her 70s now and seems like the sweetest woman in the world… just soft spoken and remembers things w/ rose colored glasses, not how they really were. When scapegoating in my familly continues to happen, she will of course never defend me but ignore it or stir the pot and make it worse. How I always wanted to feel protected, and defended.. and I think I’m only now realizing that is a wish that just will not be filled, and I need to bury that injustice of my childhood instead of continually looking for it and being let down. It still always hurts though, to this day. Bottom line is I am blamed for everything and this just will not change. so I am in the process of removing myself from my family altogether and for good. I feel a lot of anger at my Mom espcially (my Dad has passed away), and can’t seem to get past that the more I realize that it was not my fault. In her case I think it stemmed from jealousy. I always hope for atleast some acknowledgement of the scapegoating and how I have been treated which I think would allow some healing for our relationship, but she will never acknowledge or admit to it to herself. When I had children she made it a direct competition for their love, and I heard her atleast once whisper in my child’s ear when I was angry at her “see how your Mother really is?”. Well no I’m not really that way, just around her and the anger I feel around hr because of WHAT SHE HAS DONE>. I’m terrified of her being around my children and do not allow her alone w/ them which of course she claims is cruel and unfair to hr but I will not let her drag them into treating me the same way too. Thanks for listning.
I am struck with how much pain we cause ourselves through the role of scapegoat as I read the comments here.
Yes, I said “cause ourselves”! I don’t mean that the family doesn’t believe we are “the family problem” … I do mean that it is OUR belief that we are not loved or lovable that causes our suffering and NOT their response towards us!
This is good news really because it means that we can stop suffering by planting a seed of doubt in our own minds around such painful thoughts as, “they don’t love me, I am the bad one, I’m no good, they are unfair and mean to me,” etc.
What helps us turn these beliefs around is coming to a deeper understanding of family dynamics. When we begin to understand that it is not “they” that “did it to me,” but a dysfunctional system in need of someone to carry the pain for the family, we can begin to stop blaming them for our pain and start healing our wounds from the inside out.
We just happened to be born in the family at the very moment when what that family system needed most was “health.”
Health, you say? Yes, health. The scapegoat brings health to the family by serving as the one who the family can point at and say, “If it weren’t for David (Bez, Krishna Ali, Deb, Dot or Lynne
) this would be a healthy family!”
This is an automatic happening in every dysfunctional family. The SYSTEM demands it — not the family members involved!
But it’s not the role of scapegoat that causes our pain. Our suffering as scapegoats comes from taking the idea that we are unlovable on personally, believing this role we’ve been assigned is about us, that it has something to do with who we intrinsically ARE!
Our release begins when we realize that we are NOT the cause of the family’s pain no more than the sheep or goat of old (from the biblical concept of “scapegoat” where the term came from) was responsible for the ills cast upon it by a people in need of something to carry their own sins.
If you have not read my article “The Faces Of Victim” (http://www.lynneforrest.com/html/archives.html) I recommend it and while you’re there sign up for the free download of my eBook, “Signs of Victimhood” and ongoing weekly tips about moving beyond the role of family victim.
Blessings to each one of you as you continue your journey towards loving yourselves more deeply.
Lynne
t
I agree with much of what you said but not the following part.… I do understand i carried the pain for the family, and do feel I am worthy of love, which is why it makes me so mad now that I’m an adult. I feel so bad for the child that I was that never had the love and protection she deserved, and it makes me indignant and angry. With all due respect, I reject that I cause my own anger and hurt about how I was treated…I think it is a necessary and even healthy step in coming to terms w/ what happened and not blaming myself. It was not my fault and I was worthy of love all along. I realize this. That said, I do not want to be a victim (and don’t see myself as one anymore) and will explore more of the info. from your website…thanks for posting it.
Thanks Bez, for your comments and feedback. I am always interested in hearing how others hear what I say.
Here’s what I have noticed about myself. Every time I think hurt and angry thoughts about how my family hurt me or about how unfairly they treated me I am thinking thoughts and feeling feelings in THAT VERY MOMENT that cause me pain.
Who is causing my hurt then?
I have learned the hard way that forgiveness is something I do for me, not them. I forgive so I can stop thinking thoughts that are hurtful to me. I forgive because it is the kindest thing I can possibly do for that child in me!
Just a thought.
Blessings, Lynne
So i am only 14 now, still living in a dysfunctional family. Everything has been getting worse as time goes on, my dad now smokes pot and drinks, and my mom is playing the role of the enabler. I am the eldest, having only a younger brother 4 years younger than me. what i have found is that i am playing the role of both the hero and scapegoat in a way. I am like a parent to my younger brother, and try to protect him in any way possible, especially from my parents. However, i am a “problem child,” having been arrested, smoking pot i stole from my dad, drinking, and just being a bad person in general. I do not let almost anyone know about this however, especially my brother and family. My younger brother seems to play the role of both hero and mascot, being the perfect model child, and trying to cheer up the family. However i think that some of his cheery diversion is simply optomism because he has little idea of the seriousness of the situation, or of the drug usage of my dad. I used to be totally hero, but i have turned more scapegoat in the past few years. It is all getting worse and i have become more depressed and i think i am losing control. Only a couple of my friends have any idea of the situation, and it feels like i am imploding from all the pressure of having to be a “parent,” and yet keep everyone else in the dark about what is going on.
Samantha, thank you for writing. Your comments so remind me of what life was like for me at age 14! I too, lived amidst total dysfunction with a dad who was actively alcoholic and a mother who was out of control. I can so relate!
Our behavior often mirrors the dysfunction of our family situation and it sounds like that is certainly true in your case. When we believe we are “bad” we act accordingly. It’s a universal truth that our beliefs determine our feelings and behavior. Your father is a good example of someone who believes painful, negative thoughts about himself and the world. There is why he does what he does. Addiction starts in the mind, by believing shame based thoughts about ourselves.
It’s also helpful to remember that there are no coincidences; this is another universal principle. The painfully challenging situations we go through are designed to serve us as “initiation” or doorways to transformation. Those of us who have walked through such difficulties often become “wounded healers” because we accept the challenge to grow through our difficulties and thereby become “way-showers” for others. You have such an opportunity now.
Today I think of my own father as my chief initiator. The experiences I endured with him are what prompted me to seek the healing path that has led me to to be able to be here talking to you right now! I am grateful for the life lessons he brought me, even though some of those times were extremely painful for me!
I wonder if you might consider asking your parents for counseling? To find someone who has been through what you are experiencing, who has transformed their own life would be of immense value.
Regardless, I am glad you found me here. Keep reading!
Blessings sweet girl,
Lynne
Here are some links of stuff I think you might find helpful.
Faces of Victim (be sure & sign up for the free download of “Signs of Victimhood, too)
Birth Order Determines Your Role in the Family
Parenting as an initiation
I am 40 years old, the only girl and middle child of a dysfunctional family. Upon suggestion of a life coach, I am starting on the path to recovery from being the target of scapegoating thoughout my life. I have visited a few sites and found this site helped ease the feeling of be alone in this struggle. Just reading what others have experienced and what they are doing to overcome the injustice from others and to themselves is inspiring and has laid a foundation of hope that I may someday be free to be deeply happy with myself and what I have and accomplished so far. I look forward to learning the skills to fend off negativity in all areas of my life.
Hi Martha, It is such a relief to realize we are not the only ones who have been scapegoated. But perhaps an even greater relief is discovering that, most of the time, scapegoating is not aimed at us, nor is it about us. It’s not personal at all!. Most of the time, we are simply born in a family at a time when what was needed most was someone to blame!
It’s our birth position usually, not who we are, that determines our assignment as the family scapegoat! Our job is to understand this piece of truth so we can question any notion that has us believing anything else, like. “They hate me,” “I’m no good,” “I’m bad/unlovable/undeserving,” etc. When we believe these sorts of things we act accordingly and before we know it others are scapegoating us again.
Congratulations on beginning your journey towards freedom from Victim/scapegoat! Blessings,
I too found the above very helpful. I have known for some time that I am the family scapegoat. I recently cut off from my family and it has been healing. But, last week I reached out to my brother and it made me feel worse again. He had a different experience in the same family and cannot recognize or validate my point of view. Sadly, the whole system is rigged. And I find no way out except to dissociate from the family. Perhaps that will change one day but until then every attempt at contact only reveals to me how alone I am and that no matter how much I grow in my understanding of our abusive upbringing even my siblings hold firm to the role I was assigned. I remain for them the problem. And I cannot be that for anyone anymore.
You are right, Julie, sometimes the best thing we can do is put some space between ourselves and family members; it gives us time to question old limiting beliefs and move towards right relationship with ourselves.
I found that making peace with myself, coming into greater self acceptance and becoming my own best friend were key ingredients to finding right relationship with my family. I discovered it was a set up for me to try to get their attention and validation. I would come away feeling even more alienated, resentful and hurt, and of course, they would end up with even more evidence that I was, indeed, “the problem.“
When we truly “befriend” ourselves, we stop worrying so much about how they see us and focus instead on becoming, for ourselves, the “family” we so wanted them to be. We find we are the ones whose approval and acceptance we needed all along. Once we find inner belonging we no longer need our family members to provide that for us — and our relationship with them changes dramatically for the better.
I trust this is something you will find for yourself as you continue your journey of self awareness and acceptance.
Blessings.
Wow…this all confirms what I have been learning intuitively. I’m 44 and was the family glue/clown for most of my life coupled with being the scapegoat. The more that I wanted to heal and grow, I moved out of the glue position. My Father (the official scapegoat whom I stood up for) passed away 8 years ago. I really noticed the change of focus. One of my brothers tried to make his way back into Mother’s graces. He became part of the “hate your Father and we’ll be allies club”. When that brother made some poor financial choices, he couldn’t face the shame. He took his own life 18 months ago. Part of his letter mentioned that he was as bad as his Father. My family got so mad at him (and embarrassed) for what my brother did… I stood up for him and tried to explain his pain…the reaction towards me was undeniably mean and I saw clearly then that I would never get the approval that I was looking for.…just as my brother couldn’t.
The process to disassociate took some time. It wasn’t so hard with Mother, she gladly dropped me like a hot potato…but it was painful to have my remaining siblings evetunally follow Mothers lead. All the years of loyalty, covering-up and trying to patch things up and nobody will go to bat for me hurts. I feel like I lost everyone.
Thank God that I have loving in-laws to counter balance. These articles are a blessing to have found, they confirm what I sensed and felt. There’s nothing quite like a good dose of affirmation and empowerment to help reisit the old habit of groveling and insecurity. Thanks , writing this has been cathartic.
Thanks for sharing JLD. I understand how cathartic writing our thoughts and feelings can be. Reading your words prompts me to wonder if you might be a bit of a “Rescuer?“
Regardless, it sounds like you are clearly on the path to learning how to better care for and protect yourself, rather than ignoring your own needs in a displaced effort to protect and defend those who may not appreciate your efforts.
Blessings,
I am 56 and the scapegoat all my life in my mother’s family’s multi-generational pattern. I have been clean and sober for 25 years, while my family of origin continues in somewhat high-functioning alcoholism. Of course, family is fundamentally ensconced in narcissism – take all, give nothing. The trauma now for me is that my adult children, and signs appearing in grandchildren, are now continuing in the pattern of scapegoating me, their mother. I have spent years healing from FOO role, only to find myself faced with the greater challenge of how to respond to scapegoating from my own children. I can detach from other family, but losing my children and grandchildren, seems a horrible fate. I understand loving myself and starting a new chapter and being freed up to pursue my own interests, hobbies, but the grief is great, facing the reality that I could not stop this destructive force (evil?); scapegoating keeps barreling on with a vengance. Yes, they lose me, as I lose them; nobody wins; but they don’t seem to be particularly bothered about it; not questioning it or seeking to change painful dynamics; it seems to work for them; but not for me; I’m the one who struggles to keep functioning and maintain a positive attitude. I am pursuing a meditation practice for inner peace, and of course, I continue to receive support in counseling. One good thing, is that I am an artist/musician and find some transcendent hope and freedom from despair in emerging myself in my art/music; also in having a circle of friends who are working toward their recovery and healing.
Hi Laura, Thanks for your heartfelt response … Your family situation sounds very painful.
Although we are not responsible for the way others treat us, we are responsible for the way we treat ourselves.
One of my biggest lessons in recovery from the role of family scapegoat came when I began to realize how I “scapegoated” myself!
One example:
I was so focused on how others were going to mistreat me, that I perceived attack, even when there was none. I was so quick to defend myself that I often struck out first, which would then reap the expected treatment from others that I expected. I finally realized that I was acting in ways that actually “invited” the attack that I thought I was acting to prevent!
We have to give up seeing ourselves as scapegoats first before we can expect others to do it. Since the world acts as a mirror, we know that how we are treated by others is somehow a reflection of how we treat ourselves. We learn to look for the ways we “scapegoat” ourselves as the way to experience the desired shift in our relations with others.
Thanks for taking time to share your thoughts.
Blessings,
Hello, I am beginning to realize I may be the scapegoat for my dysfunctional marriage. Can a marriage become so dysfunctional that one of the spouses become the scapegoat?
Hi Tammie,
Scapegoats are found where ever there is a lack of self responsibility, so, yes, it is often the case that one marriage partner may take on the role of scapegoat. Notice I said “take on” the role, rather than having the role “laid on” us. We must agree to see ourselves as “the victim” who is being unjustly treated for scapegoating to continue to work!
To deal with being scapegoated it helps to know this fact about human nature: When ever someone blames us or tells us that something is our fault and we feel the need or desire to defend or negate it, we can know that there is a part of us that is also accusing us, on some level, of the very same thing! The act of denying, defending, or justifying our thoughts and actions against someone elses accusations signifies that we have judged ourselves for those same things (altho not necessarily in the exact same way we are being accused).
To deal with feeling scapegoated, we learn to look at the accusations until we find that which we have judged harshly about ourselves that is being mirrored to us through their words and gestures. No matter what they may accuse us of, we can, if we look for it, find a “grain of truth” in their accusations, and own it — This approach disarms them and takes the “sting” out of their accusation, even as it brings us more self awareness of how we have been “scapegoating” ourselves. In this way, we grow from the “scapegoating” and begin to treat ourselves better.
Otherwise we go on feeling like a victim.
Hope this is helpful.
I am the scapegoat of my family. At first I thought it’s just my mother not approving of me. Today I don’t have a relationship with her. I never felt my siblings too were against me until recently when my younger brother would react to me with Rage whenever I said anything to him. Now, I am a twin and she was the “caretaker”, and today after 3 years of not speaking with her , we made up for 4 months. I got into an argument with my brother and my twin heard of it and immediately persecuted me asking” why i am always fighting with everyone”. She did not ask what took place. She just labeled me the “problem”. I was hurt. Hurt because I thought we as siblings were building a relationship filled with unconditional love respect. Well, I have 4 siblings, I do not have a relationship with any of them. I got tired if being labeled the problem . I got tired of people not having the desire to know me and actually hear my thoughts.
Do you know after this recent and I feel permanent break, I have to work hard not to believe I am a bad person. I am not bad. I am the one person who accepts people as they are and willing to talk out the issue. I don;t believe in silence. I believe dialogue will squash any fallacies .
Sadly, It appears I don;t come from a family that offers unconditional love. I find myself fighting for my sanity and self-esteem. I refuse to live a life of weakness in which I think I am bad. I am sensitive.
It hurt so much that my own siblings can’t see farther than pain. So they cause more pain to the family structure. I blame my mother. I blame her for being afraid to feel and instead spreading poison in her family. I have a son who will not know my siblings that means no aunts, no uncle.
All I can do is pray. Pray that I don’t ever believe what they say about me. In the end , I know me. I am a good person. It just feels as though I;m being gang banged and I feel violated. I hurt.
Ally, You do indeed sound like you are playing the role of scapegoat in your family.
It’s important to remember not to take it personally. We don’t end up as scapegoats because of who we are, it has nothing to do with deserving it or not deserving it… we are scapegoats because the family system needs someone to blame for its dysfunction and pain! We end up in these roles often simply because we are where we are in the birth order!
Remember that family scapegoats hold the key to health for their family. What that means is that by doing our own healing work we can set not only ourselves free, but also those around us as well.
I strongly recommend you seek a good family systems oriented therapist (if you don’t have one already) and work towards finding acceptance and forgiveness within yourself for you AND your family.
For it is true that we must ultimately forgive others in order to heal ourselves! We cannot experience inner peace until we have let go of the hurt and anger we feel towards those who have acted in hurtful, unconscious ways towards us.
Many blessings to you,
I too, am a twin and was the scapegoat of the family for awhile. Then when twin was it for awhile, and now they are trying to make it me again. Howcver, I have been working on these issues fo most of my life. I am a therapist and a life coach and I do alot of work on myself. What I have learned is to keep good boundaries, make sure I am not behaving as to make myself the “target”. I am the truth teller in my family. I want to look at issues and get them resolved. My family would rather have their addictions (golf, eating, drinking) than to look within and heal themselves. It is easier to find a target. But, I choose to take care of me now and that sometimes means that I appear “selfish” to my family. When I am assertive with my needs they are not well received. So be it. Who said I needed everybody’s approval anyway. I surround myself with caring and supportive friends and my husband’s family and make sure I have a full life myself
with a great career or volunteering. I see I am the strong one and the truth teller and that is why I became the scapegoat. Now I choose to show by example, rather than trying to make them wrong (by my truth telling) and it seems to be working. And the best part of all I am in charge of my own life, my own feelings, and my own choices and I take responsibility for everything that has happened in my life. I know better now, so I do better!!! I have to watch myself so as not to create the scapegoating pattern. Journaling has helped me gain self-knowledge and having great friends is immeasurable!
Blessings
I am so greatful to have found this website. I am 42 years old and the scapegoat of my family. My siblings are 15 and 19 years older than me, and I have been told more than once that I was an “unwanted pregnancy”. My mother has extremely cruel and cold towards me from as long as I can remember. I was fairly young when my siblings married, and scapegoating by their spouses was also condoned. Any attempts at standing up for myself were met with severe retaliation. I am finally at a point in my life where I do not feel obligated to attend family functions, however family member call to tell me how horribly this hurts my mother and the rest of the family.
It is difficult to put into words the depth of my self hate, and I have been thinking about suicide on a daily basis for the past couple of years. Although I have tried therapy, anti-depressants, and read self help books, the self loathing persists.
How does a person begin to heal from a life of emotional and verbal abuse, and self hate? I have no self-worth. Most of the time I feel there is no hope.
Hi Diane, I am glad you found this site too!
You ask how to begin the healing process. I think it has already begun! Identifying the issue is our first step. (Carl Jung once said something along the lines of, “anything we can make conscious, we can heal.” 
) I further recommend that you read my article, “Faces of Victim” and while you’re there, be sure and sign up for the free download of “Signs of Victimhood.” It will also bring you weekly messages that will help you liberate your mind from feeling victimized.
I think of my own hardships in life (such as being the family scapegoat) as being especially designed for me, to bring me into a greater consciousness. When we view such family challenges in terms such as these, we stop resenting the family for doing what they do, and focus on transforming the unhappy beliefs that limit us.
I trust that you will find freedom and inner peace as you traverse your journey to wholeness.
Blessings and much luck on the path.
I’m not sure about everyone else, but when I realized I’d been made the family scapegoat, and how it caused a lifelong struggle with depression, eating disorders and self-medication through substance abuse, I was over 40 years old. I’d been mired in depression since age 5. I tried for ten years to convince my family that I’d changed and that being abused was no longer acceptable, tried to forgive them when they did and move on, they just attacked, criticised and blamed me more. Told me I was crazy. I only feel anger now, and just recently cut off communication with my 86 year old mother, who still takes every flimsy reason she can pull out of the air, to attack and criticise me. Tell me I’m going to hell. I just hate those people now, and the idea of listening to even one more knock down, infuriates me, I feel so much anger at having my entire life ruined because of these selfish mean people. And you can analyze it with psychobabble all you want, they are selfish, and they are mean. and they don’t and never have cared about me beyond using me to unload on.
I have never been able to bond with people, and am 57 and alone. I hate my “family”. How can anyone “heal” from this. No matter how many outside diversions I employ to take my thoughts away from it, it just sits there in the background like a rock. Whenever I see people, strangers in situations where people are caring about each other, the lack of same in my life reduces me to tears, because I have had so little of that throughout my lifetime. How can anyone heal from this?
Barb, I understand what it is like to feel victimized by family. I felt that way for many years. After years of embittered resentment, I finally realized that there was a powerfully compelling reason to forgive my family, I needed to forgive them FOR ME! Yes, that’s right, we forgive others because it is the kindest thing to do for ourselves.
Hating them kept me unhappy and bitter. It kept me focused on negativity and blame. It adversely affected my health. It kept me acting in ways that justified their accusations against me. In other words, thru my bitterness, I provided them with all the proof they needed to verify their story about me! I reacted negatively towards them because of the way they had treated me, which only justified their right to mistreat me. That was me being unloving, mean and unkind to ME.
There is an old saying that goes, “the best revenge is a happy life!”
I recommend that you read “Faces of Victim” and begin the process of befriending yourself. That is the road to recovery.
Blessings, Lynne
I agree with Lynne. My current situation was allowing my ex to make me her scapegoat and blame. I take my responsibility and then take action. We have to be so careful to allow certain things that just feel “familiar” and are not good for our growth as human beings. We must love ourselves enough, to not allow certain things to be spoken over us and to us as words carry immeasurable power and can either uplift the spirit or damage it so badly that you find you see yourself in a mirror one day and your head is actually bent over in shame and guilt that was allowed to be put there by another.
Yes, Kristine, the hardest thing to admit sometimes is that we are the ones that cause our greatest pain with the painful thoughts we believe about ourselves and others. Others may scapegoat us, but it is the scapegoating we do to ourselves that causes the greatest suffering.
I am facing my role as scapegoat in my family of origin and how I recreated that dysfunctional system in my family (with my husband, who took the role of scapegoat in his family of origin, and our three much-loved children).
In looking at my part in this role, I recognize how I react defensively in relationships when I feel criticized or treated unfairly. As I move toward acceptance, I am open to choosing solutions to this relational problem. I’m so ready to change.
Hi Valerie, Being ready & willing for change IS the first step towards it. Congratulations!
Lyann, i read your artice and it very informative, i do not agree with some of what you say, though.
There are degrees of dysfunction and in some families the scapegoats get severly abused, emotionally, psychologically, sexually of physically.
I was abused and neglected by my stepmother and sibling emotionally and psychologically and sexually by my father.
So no the bame is on then, because as an 11 year old, i could not think, “i’m feeling this way because of the dysfunctional family dynamics”.
So we don’t do it to ourseves is done to us.
Yes as an adult we can try to undo what they did, but depending on our histories and the severity of the abuse and age of it, whether we’ll be able to undo some of the damage or not, is very hard and we are not to bame THEY ARE.
I have severed all ties with my family.They are as sick as ever.
Forgivness is not for everybody, i like that i found my anger and rage against the injustice done to me as a child and that they would continue to do, if i et them.Forgiveness is a myth and sometimes a copout.
Is ok to be very angry at the people who projected their crap into us and then, well in my case expelled me from my own family at 13.I can feel hate, rage, anger for them, yet go on with my life.
Not forgiving doesn’t mean not going on to persue your dream or going on with life.
To me not forgiving is a powertool, NO i do not forgive child abusers, mine or anyone elses.
Here a quote from Andrew Vachss one of the biggest child
“A particularly pernicious myth is that “healing requires forgiveness” of the abuser. For the victim of emotional abuse, the most viable form of help is self-help — and a victim handicapped by the need to “forgive” the abuser is a handicapped helper indeed. The most damaging mistake an emotional-abuse victim can make is to invest in the “rehabilitation” of the abuser. Too often this becomes still another wish that didn’t come true — and emotionally abused children will conclude that they deserve no better result“
AV.….
NO abusers and scapegoaters should NOT be forgiven, that is a copout.Never thought of again, pressed charges on, yes.
Forgiven, NO.
I also do not buy the “victim” theory of you victimizing yourself, again.
The scapegoeat like your article says is programmed to look at themselves as the bad seed, well your article makes some valid points.
But the truth is we were victims. The only way to avoid to fall victims to ourselves and others is to seek therapy and try to undo the damage or sometimes to just accept that we were and still are not at fault for a very serious offense commited against us.
Part of that too, involves putting te blame where the blame beongs THEM, that is not playing “victim” that is just TRUTH, reality.
Some people prefer to “forgive” than to feel the anger and rage of the crude reality and to not confront the dysfunctional family.
Out of anger and rage a lot of good can be done, they are very powerful driving forces for action, as long as the action is for justice, within the law of course.
Forgivness, drive us to non-action, to just let it go…And it happens again to others.….…
Oh Pamela, Thank you for your passionate response! I appreciate your willingness to pour out your truth to me on this critical matter.
I agree with you, there IS a place for anger in our process of recovery from childhood scapegoating! I am glad you claim your right to be angry! Because you are right, you DO have the right to your anger and you are justified in holding onto it as long as you feel it necessary, especially when you use it to work for you. Anger can indeed motivate us. As a matter of fact, anger can act as a powerful antidepressant! I’ve seen it again and again — people in conditions of deep depression using anger to get them up and moving through the day. Like you, I too discovered it definitely felt better to be angry at my abusers than the helplessness and powerlessness I felt as a scapegoat!
You see, I too, was the scapegoat in my family of origin, and experienced physical, emotional and sexual abuse in my alcoholic and highly dysfunctional family. I remember that place on my own healing journey when I found my anger and was empowered by it to stand ground for myself and take action in taking care of myself in ways I’d never been able to do before. I think you are right, anger may well be a necessary stage in recovery. Thank you for reminding me of that.
I made another discovery much later. I found that letting go of the anger was an even better way of taking care of me! I was kinder on myself internally when I could begin to forgive (which comes from a Latin word meaning to “release” or “let go of”) them. They actually have less power over me when I let go of my need to see them as having hurt me. For you see, I realized that to continue to see myself as their victim meant I had to hold onto a definition of myself as irreparably damaged by something I had no control over. I noticed that to see myself as a victim left me feeling at their mercy, which left me feeling bad! I grew weary of feeling the painful feelings I felt from holding onto anger.
I understand if this makes no sense to you right now. I sincerely welcome your dialog and hope you will read my article, “Faces of Victim“
Your feedback is valuable indeed.
and subscribe on the pop-up window that comes up on that site to receive weekly messages on this topic, even if it is to continue to drive your point home with me!
Blessings,
Lynne
I was just about to reject my family for their treatment of me..but read your words Lynne, a happy life is the best revenge. I may try to put up with them over xmas. I have been in pain for 18 months (like chinese torture, like a thorn in my jaw..) due to negligent ortho work and just trying to get thru each day best I can .. my brother to texted me to ‘stop going on about it (ie. the pain)’ ‘they’d all had enough’ and my mother showed me a terrible pic of me from last year saying I should wear make up and make more of an effort.. who needs enemies..?..
Hi Rachel, When we believe that others can cause us pain, we are at their mercy. When we insist on enjoying our lives regardless of how others respond to us, we win. I support you in deciding to be kind and loving to yourself by refusing to take your family’s comments personally. A good response to your brother & mother might be, “You know I appreciate your advice. Thank you for taking the time to give it.” Remind yourself that the only one that can really hurt you is you by choosing to believe painful thoughts about “how they say these things to hurt me.” You can choose to see their words anyway you choose. Why not choose to see what they say as uninformed, misguided ways of showing concern? It is a kinder way to treat you to do so. My life became much less painful once I decided to believe that everyone loves me, that everything they do is FOR me, whether they knew it (or intended it) or not! I choose to see it that way because it’s the best, most loving response to me! After all, isn’t our own peace of mind what matters most?! Insist on being kind to you. Refuse to see them as your enemy and watch what happens! Blessings towards a holiday filled with peace.
Lynne, I just came upon your blog today. I have followed the thread and greatly appreciate all the comments. What a wonderful idea to create a thread to discuss scapegoating. I am a fan of transactional analysis as well. Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim (“The Games People Play” ) — the drama triangle d/b/a The Victim Triangle — an unexamined life is not worth living.
Each person who has shared their experiences as the “scapegoat” of their family is brave. Where do they hand out the awards for surviving this stuff? Reading what has been written by those who have played the role of “scapegoat” has helped to lift the feeling of shame that visits my life periodically, like a storm or the flu. The holiday season never agrees with me.
I am a fifty-six year old woman who is grateful to be alive. I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. The middle child from a dysfunctional family that consisted of one alcoholic father, a mother who was co-dependent and three daughters.
Neither of my sisters will speak to me and haven’t for well over thirty years. They never forgave me for revealing the sexual abuse of my father. I found my way to a therapist when I was sixteen years old. In reaction to my attempt to get help for myself my mother stepped up her “scapegoating” techniques. If it were not for my therapist I would have committed suicide. Prior to therapy I had attempted suicide twice.
Not everyone survives childhood abuse. It seems to me survivors that chose life usually have pretty good survival strategies that they may or may not be aware of — this comes with the territory. Talking and writing about what I survived helps me heal.
I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for nine years. An older women — a survivor of the holocaust — attended our women’s AA group. I asked her how she was able to forgive her persecutors — she was a child when imprisoned in a concentration camp. She said that forgiveness is a process and during certain months of the year she still has difficulty (depression, anger, etc.). September was always a difficult month because that was the month that the Nazis took her from her home.
It can be liberating to be released from anger. Yet to my surprise my anger returns periodically without warning and again I am confronted with the old hurts that I thought had been laid to rest. I begin the process of attempting to forgive yet again. My goal is progress not perfection.
Survivors of trauma are not all the same. Recognizing that each survivor has a unique history is important to me.
Repeated abuse of a child will result in brain damage. Studies show that the right hippocampus — in the brains of women who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse — is smaller. The hippocampus is an important part of the brain that deals with memory and emotion.
Therefore I not only have emotional baggage from the past — I am also physically disabled.
Again, I want to thank everyone who has shared their experiences, I owe you my gratitude. For me there is nothing like knowing that you are not alone.
“I was so focused on how others were going to mistreat me, that I perceived attack, even when there was none. I was so quick to defend myself that I often struck out first, which would then reap the expected treatment from others that I expected. I finally realized that I was acting in ways that actually “invited” the attack that I thought I was acting to prevent!
We have to give up seeing ourselves as scapegoats first before we can expect others to do it. Since the world acts as a mirror, we know that how we are treated by others is somehow a reflection of how we treat ourselves. We learn to look for the ways we “scapegoat” ourselves as the way to experience the desired shift in our relations with others.”
Wow, Lynne I just quoted your comments here above. I am still feeling them so deeply. This is what I have done in my life and even tho I sort of know I did it, I have just now had an event happen in my life that has made me stop and really ask myself — how did I get myself here?
I think that what I copied above is alot of what happened. I know that scapegoating happens in many environments, professional, social, familial and even across nations. It is a deeply human dynamic. But, I have to ask myself how was it that I was part of being scapegoated again, after all I have learned from recovery and therapy about myself and my alcoholic family. I thought I already ‘knew’ this, and yet — I was dragged into the depths once again with my being scapegoated. But this time, the cost was too, too high and I am devastated.
What can I learn about myself that allowed me to be the target in this situation? Was there something I could have done differently? I could see it happening around me, and I felt powerless in this professional environment. And yet, other people are able to get through this environment and survive, what happened that I was taken down so easily and so quickly? The cost to my life has been too high, and I am devastated.
Thank you for your website and this blog. I have alot more to learn about myself and what I bring to the situation. I am shattered to see just how little I have loved myself and how my deepest childhood feelings and fears have brought me once again to the edge of such loss and personal disappointment. I lost something very important to me, and feel despair that my earliest beliefs about myself have played a large role in that.
It was helpful reading these posts — and I pray that all of you can find some peace — that is what I am looking for.
I have always been the one everyone goes to in their time of need — jump every hoop — do everything possible — as Lynne said — just wanting my family to think “she really is a good person”
In my family and with me — if you do or say anything that does not go with the flow — you will be ignored until you are granted a pass to get back in — it’s all mental — I always wondered why I could function just fine and feel good about myself until I talked with my family — then I felt bad about myself, hating myself and it is almost like I believe what they say is true — nothing else seemed to matter except what my family says about me and what the scale says about me — if my parents are nice — I feel good — if they are ugly to me — I hate myself — if the scale says I gained weight I hate myself — if the scale says I lost weight — I lovc myself.
Reading about all of you and what you have gone through was disturbing for me — because I know the pain you are in —
Sadly my siblings have never taken up for me — even when they knew I did nothing — it was almost like they turn their heads — of course trying to be nice and pleasent but really not wanting to go their for their own safety within the family.
Gives me much to think about but since my phone is not ringing now with the family problems I will have plenty time to take it all in —
Thank you again
I was clearly the scapegoat in the family, but I’m the first born and I didn’t get into trouble at school — I actually excelled at school. As a matter of fact one of the things I was told on a regular basis at home was, “You have all of your teachers fooled at school. They don’t have any idea how you REALLY are.”
My father was physically and verbally abusive and my parents fought a lot. It seemed like the only way they could come to some accord was when they were both blaming me for something or chewing me out about something.
Hi Micki, Were you an only child? Only children often play all the roles depending on what the family system most needs at the time.
The other possibility is that you may be one of those rare cases of hero/scapegoat combination. In families of extreme dysfunction, the first born child may bring a sense of worth to the family (the assigned job of a hero/first-born child is to bring worth to the family) by being the one who both excels and carries the blame for problems at home.
It’s important to realize the harm we do to ourselves by perpetuating these roles internally. Through the role of scapegoat we learn to be as hard on ourselves as our families were on us. Learning to treat ourselves better is where true healing starts. Otherwise we stay stuck in feeling scapegoated and fail to realize the ways we continue to scapegoat ourselves.
All this talk of forgiveness is all very well but, as you said, to forgive someone for a lifetime of hurts can be very difficult. Just when I think I’ve managed it, up comes another hurt. And then I start to feel even more inadequate because I’m hurting again because, according to your philosophy, it’s all my own fault for letting them hurt me/not forgiving them/me. Ouch!
Thanks Lynne, for your response. Forgiveness of others requires we first forgive ourselves. Only then can we move away from the need to blame somebody. To forgive requires a shift in thinking. From seeing ourselves as victims who were hurt, we move to seeing our painful encounters as opportunities to grow. We come to understand there are no accidents or coincidences regarding who is (or was) in our life. We recognize that these relationships, especially the painful ones, are teachers; they teach us about our most important relationship — our relationship with ourselves.
The grievances we have against others, when explored, are most often found to be judgments against ourselves (and them). The unforgiven in our lives are mirrors — not to reflect how bad we are, but to help us see our own negative beliefs. Those are the true source of our pain.
Only when we are in Victim Consciousness do we think someone else has the power to hurt us. When we are in touch with Reality, we understand that it is always our own thoughts that hurt us, not what others do or don’t do. We all move in and out of Victim Consciousness, consciously becoming aware of when we are in that state helps us move out of Victimhood more quickly. Consciousness is the route to true peace and inner healing. To bring consciousness is the role others play for us — they mirror to us ways we feel and think about ourselves and the world.
Holding resentment against those who have wronged us keeps us in the State of Victimhood; it is a way we hurt ourselves. We then become victims of our own thinking about the painful encounters of our past. We torment ourselves with memories of how “they hurt us.” But who is hurting us in the moment of remembering? Only ourselves! To stop hurting ourselves with stories of wrong-doing is reason enough to forgive. Holding a grudge only holds us prisoner to our grievances against them; now we must nurse those grudges. What an unloving thing to do to ourselves! Forgiving others is ultimately the most loving thing we can do for ourselves.
Hope this helps to clarify.
Blessings, Lynne
It sort of helps — but how do you not remember? I can’t afford years of therapy.
Lynne, It’s not that we try to forget our painful past — we just learn to see it through different eyes. We remember and we pay close attention to what we tell ourselves about what happened. It’s our story about the people and events we remember that cause our pain and unhappiness.
We learn to move into Observer Consciousness, a state that allows us to question our painful thoughts about past events, and to move out of our old reactive Victim Consciousness. I recommend Byron Katie’s book, “Loving What Is” as a guide on how to question painful beliefs. I also recommend my subscriber list. Join by clicking on the pop-up that comes up on my article, “Faces of Victim” (Which I also recommend you read) to receive my weekly tips about freeing ourselves from the State of Victimhood.
We can radically change our mind and gain personal freedom from our painful past without years of expensive therapy. Blessings, Lynne
Hi Lynne
As Lynne said, For change to occur, the lens through which we see the past needs to be a new one, one that does not resemble the past but the present.
How i am doing it:
There is a deep desire in me to be successful in life.
My past lens has tied me up in a self created prison. This impacted my present. ( to check how, try this quiz by Martin Seligman : http://www.myprimetime.com/health/optimism/optimism_quiz.jsp )
Now, many researches show that all successful people have a past positive outlook.. even when they talk about past painful event, their outlook towards it is positive.…. its like the past positive outlook is like a sun, when it rises, everything automatically looks bright.. no extra effort is required, atmost you have to open the curtains of the window.
I knew that if i wanted to be successful, i had to have a past positive outlook.
Understanding the words of lynne and putting them into action, gave me strength and courage to walk out many victim triangles of my life… and i am sure, it is helping many others.
So, from my personal experience … it is not at all about forgetting… that happens automatically( you dont forget, but the relevance and importance you attach to the pain attached with the past drastically goes down on its own) , its about walking the path out of victimhood and staying in the present… lets say, living moment to moment.
With lots of Love and Gratitude and Regards
– Rahul
Rahul, You are an inspiration! I so appreciate the way you have applied the lessons taught here towards finding freedom from Victim Consciousness!
You are indeed an example of what I hoped might happen for those who take the lessons I’ve shared here seriously. Many Blessings. Lynne
Well I think I hear what you saying. I understand the importance of forgiveness in the process of healing and thought I was doing very well. I had even become a healer myself! And it was something I would recommend to others as it has helped me in life.
My family relationships had always been poor (my birth caused a lot of inconvenience) , and my father admitted just before he died, that I had been the scapegoat of the family. They disowned me for living with my boyfriend when I was 19 and I had lived away from my family for many years (I am 58 now). In the past year or so the relationship with my brother and mother had become easier, especially since the death of my father.
My mother started showing early signs of Alzheimer’s disease, and I was spending a lot of time travelling up and down the country visiting her, and she was always pleased to see me. I decided to sell up and move back into the area, and my brother said he was very pleased I had. This was three months’ ago. Now the same old ugly patterns have re-emerged. I am getting abusive phone calls from my mother saying I am plotting against her and my brother stands on the sidelines and is totally unsupportive. I have this awful feeling the reason he was pleased when I came up here was that I could take all the flack and he could remain the golden boy.
I feel very lonely and afraid. I think maybe the best thing for my sanity would be to move away again, but my husband likes his job here and wants to stay. When I went to bed last night I thought about what I would like to do. All I could think of was that I would like to go to sleep and not wake up again.
Lynne,
I so hear the pain in the words you write! I, too was the scapegoat in my family and know the pain of feeling rejected and unloved. (interesting, we are both a “Lynne!”) OUCH!
And yet today I would not have my family life be any other way than the way it was. My pain level dramatically decreased when I realized there are no mistakes!
As a result, I realized that I have exactly the life experience I need; the people and situations that are in my life are here for a reason. There is not a single mistake — we have the parents and siblings that perfectly reflect to us the life lessons and challenges we need to experience for our own expansion and growth. Once I really accepted that I was where I was supposed to be, having the experiences I need, my life radically shifted for the better! I came to see that the people in our lives are here to show us where we are out of harmony with ourselves and Source. That is the ultimate purpose of every painful life event!
Tapping into a practical application of that central truth (There are no mistakes) allows our life journey to become our path to enlightenment. We experience a significant increase in peace as we come to relate to life as always, and benevolently, serving to show us where we are out of harmony with life through the quality of our beliefs.
Below I’ve included an excerpt I wrote recently for my “Victim Story Weekly Message” (subscribe here ) that helped facilitate a greater understanding of what I am trying to say.
One morning, during my morning practice, I had the following vision: I saw Source as an intense ray of light shining into my mind (which appeared as a doorway, or window). The Light of Source could not fully fill my mind, however, because there was a huge block standing in its way. The blockage was my own fear-based beliefs; my own beliefs were keeping me from being filled by the Light of Source!
I noticed that the Light continued to shine directly on the limiting belief barring the entryway, (much like our native sun shines on all-life, regardless of its worthiness) causing an immediate shadow of that belief to be projected onto the world where I then encountered it in physical form. This profound visualization revealed much to me about the nature, and necessity, of our painful life experiences!
From its desire to be one with us, Source ceaselessly radiates its loving acceptance on the thoughts that separate us from it and through that Light we draw into our lives the person or situation that will perfectly reflect to us the nature of our limiting beliefs. How will we ever choose something different, something better, unless we see these limiting beliefs clearly? What better way to see them than through a physical encounter with something that embodies them?
The simple purpose of every relationship, and especially the more painful ones, is to show us where we are out of alignment with Source (For instance, when we abuse ourselves, by the way we think about and treat ourselves, we will inevitably attract to us someone who mirrors that abuse). Through a concrete experience of our painful beliefs we can challenge them and turn them around.
You are where you are supposed to be, as dark and unpleasant as that may seem, right now. How do we know that? Because you are there! It’s that simple. Your husband is planted — that is a good sign that you are being given an opportunity here to change — not them, your family are who they are — but to change your own mind about the way you think they should be. (And I’m not talking about “accepting abuse” — taking care of yourself is part of the lessons they teach.) This is the key to peace.
Blessings,
Lynne
Thanks for that Lynne -
I’m feeling much more positive. I’m re-realising that I can’t make people love me in the way I want — or even love me at all! The trick is, is to realise that , just because someone may find it hard to love me, it doesn’t make me unlovable as a person. I’m just going to have to work harder on loving myself and continue to question those images reflected in the family mirror. Also to work on forgiving those that hurt me, realising it stems from their own pain. My mum’s twin sister died when she was 14 and her father never got over it and committed suicide 2 years later. I think I look like her twin sister. Just looking at me reminds my mother that her father didn’t love her enough to stay alive for her.
I thought by returning here I could help heal the family, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it’s just about healing me by learning to accept my family as it is. So here I am in a strange place with no friends and a hostile family. What to do? Do a bit of deep breathing and wait for inspiration I suppose!
love and blessings from Lynne B xx
Lynne, You are on to something! I think you’re right, it’s not them you moved there to heal — it’s you!
I’m reminded of a prayer I learned from Byron Katie;“O Lord, spare me from needing anyone else’s approval, validation or acceptance. Amen.” It’s our own approval, acceptance and validation that we need — We are the ones we have been waiting for! Once we understand that, than we can go on loving them whether they are loving towards us or not. There’s nothing they can do or say to make us stop loving them — simply because loving them is the kindest way to treat ourselves.
Blessings, Lynne
I have decided to leave the area for my own sanity, though it pains me greatly to break off contact with my brother and mother. I feel that the appropriate care mechanisms will be put in place for my mother. My husband agrees and is at present fielding abusive, wheedling phone calls from my mother as I feel I cannot take anymore at the moment.
I trust you are doing what you need to do to take care of you. Be safe and blessed, Lynne
I am the second-born, male, and have three female siblings. We are all in our 30’s and 40’s now, but when I was a child, I was made the scapegoat in a very deliberate (if subconscious), effective way. My mom, told me that I “wasn’t getting along with” my father, so I needed to be taken to a “counselor.” My father was and is the alcoholic. There was no physical or sexual abuse, but he drank all the time, stayed out late, and cheated on my mother before I was even born. That I had something so wrong with me that I needed to be taken out of school and whisked to a child psychologist’s office *terrified* me; I believe I was in fourth grade, and it continued, on and off, into high school. Believe it or not, I have only in the past four or five years come to terms with being the identified patient; I wondered why it was that I was always at fault, I was the bad one – the jerk, the cad, and then some really blatant examples of dual-standards began taking place. I found that as the extreme rage inside of me for having been changed from a sweet kid who hadn’t done anything wrong into the bitter, sad, and yes – sometimes acid-tongued, but never vicious – was REALLY starting to repel people – friends, family, coworkers. No one likes being around an angry person. However, what has made me the most furious – and despairing – is the utter and almost passionate resistance to even considering “my” scapegoat “theory,” and how it’s still in place that my family has demonstrated. I knew from the literature that I ought to have expected this but, heretofore, i’ve been very close to everyone in my family, except for my father. Ironically, it is my sisters – especially my twin sister – who demonstrates the most unreasonable rejection of the truth. Once, she broke down while recalling her reaction to her therapist asking her to pretend I was correct – and why would that be so hard for her to accept – she sobbed and said “because that would me me a horrible person – to hurt my brother – and I would be so much less psychologically healthy than I feel I have become…” Anyway, my mother is coming around, finally, but I am at an impasse; I don’t know what to say when they inevitably ask “what do you want me to do?” You know, as if again, it’s all my problem – I’m the sick one, the suffering one. Why is it that siblings, who didn’t, in my case, seem to play a particularly significant role in my scapegoating (though I DO feel treated differently by them, especially as my anger grew), be so, so resistant to this? Their common refrain is “I just don’t see it that way…” And, it’s not easy to “prove,” because I, like all scapegoats, earned my title sooner or later – and they always reply “I would have said that/treated anyone that way” when I accuse them of what I see as brazen double-standard treatment.
Eric, Thank you for adding your story here. It is always helpful for us to hear others speak about their family experience. I think your sister said it exactly when she said she fears what such an admission would mean about her. This is a common response for us humans — we need to blame others. It’s either blame them or ourselves-much less painful to blame the other.
But here’s my question to you: Do you really have to have them accept your reality about what happened to you? Can you be ok whether or not they ever accept that you were scapegoated? What will getting their admission of guilt do for you?
Please understand, I am not inferring that I thnk there are right answers to these questions — these are simply the questions I asked myself about my family when I realized how miserable I was because they would not acknowledge what happened to me. Asking questions like those helped me see how I, as family scapegoat, felt compelled to get my family members to agree with me and to admit their part in scapegoating me;
I needed to make my case and prove I was right about how badly mistreated I was and that compulsion caused me to mistreat them in some of the very same ways they mistreated me. I accused and demanded from them that they agree with me, for instance, and I insisted on being right. I was angry with them when they didn’t agree with me and talked scornfully to them and about them to other family members, and friends.
I discovered that when I tried to vindicate myself with family members I turned into someone who scapegoated them. They would then react by blaming me again. Then I felt justified to attack more and so on. The cycle was ongoing, never ending — someone had to drop out to stop it. I was the one. I decided to stop scapegoating them just so I could get their confession of guilt. It was no longer worth the alienation from them and the self-misery it generated.
I came to see that my efforts to get them to admit their wrongs made me feel worse. My efforts for vindication left me with more angst, hurt and resentment; the fleeting sense of justification was not worth it. The portrait of me I had to paint (to myself and others) to justify my accusations of unfair/unjust treatment ended up being more painful to me than anything they ever said to me.
I realized I was the one who needed to stop scapegoating, me and them. I discovered it was my own acceptance of my life as it had been that I really needed.
We cannot be at peace with ourselves and be seeking vindication too. We must choose one or the other. When we are at peace with ourselves we do not resent others for what happened in the past because we no longer regret it. We don’t regret it because we understand that what we went through played a significant part in bringing us to where we are today. When we accept ourselves we like where we are and who we are and so there is no need to blame or seek others acknowledgment of guilt.
Self-acceptance allows us to stop taking our role as scapegoats so personally. We come to understand that dysfunctional family’s have to have a scapegoat. That’s the dysfunctional family rule. They do not know any other way to survive.
Family members do no know how to assume self-responsibility therefore they must have someone to blame. It is not personally directed at us as individuals at all. We just happened to be the one standing next in line when the job was handed out. But trust me, every single family member got handed a debilitating job to do for the family. Being the scapegoat is the sacrifice demanded from us for the survival of the family — and, if we get honest, we can see that we are stronger for it.
I hope you find my experience useful
Blessings, Lynne
Lynne:
First, thank you for responding – and so thoroughly (and quickly!). And thank you for creating this blog; I find it, unfortunately, one of very few resources on the Internet for people realizing that the pain they’ve suffered all their life was for naught. That is, it did serve a purpose, but we didn’t deserve it – and aren’t bad people.
I agree with much of what you say – that it is essential for the identified patient to stop scapegoating him or herself. Indeed, that must occur regardless of whatever else may or may not happen, for the SC to find any kind of peace.
And while I don’t think it’s necessary to “achieve” the family’s acknowledgment of what happened to have peace (that would doom the majority of family abuse victims to a tormented life), I am thoroughly undecided and confused about what that kind of acknowledgment *can* mean and bring – for myself *and* the family.
I will consider all of the sort of rhetorical questions you put to me; I’ve thought about them a lot, but more in an emotional way, and I will get back to you on that.
One think that I think would be extremely useful for others – at least for me – is knowing more about the period or rage and bitterness and torment you went through; I believe it is in this stage when a lot of us arrive at sites like yours, and I find myself sometimes craving examples of others who *know* my almost insufferable frustration, and near-suicidal despair about all of this.
To me, your posts sometimes read as if you are ashamed of the time you spent angry and bitter and accusing – and, sort of like you almost have a blaming attitude toward yourself for having been that way – that it got you nowhere, and you were just hurting yourself, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I can understand what you mean, and I, too, *know* the agony of trying so hard to convince a loved one, only to come across as or succumb to a kind of rigid anger that, as you know, puts you right back in your place and puts you back even further, in terms of convincing anyone of anything. Still, like others have written, I am *furious* – I have so, so much anger inside, and while I agree that to be at peace, I need to deal with that anger in a way that diminishes it and ends it. But I suppose the jury is still out, as it were, with me on whether I agree with what seems to me (right now) your no-fault, complete acceptance and responsibility, almost *saintly* and martyr-ish approach to all of this. I intend NO insult there; as I said, I largely agree with what you way – almost all of it. I’m just still struggling with the rage – and it’s not even rage *toward* my family UNTIL they deny and dismiss me out of hand, THEN it becomes very intense anger and sadness – just like a sexually or physically abused child whose family says “that never happened” or “I don’t see it that way.” And I love my mom and sisters so, so much – and have been so close to them for so long – that, to answer your question about why “admission” or whatever we want to call it is so important to me is so that I can have a relationship with them that is not awkward and superficial. I mean, could any of us have a true, meaningful relationship with a sibling or parent who denies the reality of, say, serious sexual abuse? I’ll close here, because I’m so in need of serious introspection about all of this and I’m probably just typing out my introspection at this point!
But thanks again for everything – I have indeed found your experience helpful!
Many thanks,
EL
El, you are welcome. I appreciate the opportunity to share ideas that I and others have found useful in dealing with painful situations. I appreciate your feedback regarding an appearance that I am ashamed of once having been so angry about my role as scapegoat. Hmmm … it certainly is true that I spent many years angry with myself and everyone around me — so perhaps you are picking up on some remnant of that — that is quite possible, I’m sure. I’ll think about it.
Thanks for your feedback about it.
In a nutshell, here is what I think happened. After years of therapy, and self-inquiry I finally came to realize that the anger I carried towards them was hurting me much more than it was helping me.
For years, I felt so hurt by the things they said and did to me that I truly did walk around with “a chip on my shoulder,” (like my dad used to say). My dad was the alcoholic in our family and I was generally the recipient of his wrath, because, he said, I was the one who rebelled and “made the family look bad.” It was my fault, he said, if I would just shape up … etc. etc. etc. For years, I felt sorely misunderstood, unloved, rejected and deeply hurt by my family, all who agreed with dad that I was the trouble-maker. I tried all sorts of things to change their opinion of me, from fighting back to accepting all the blame, to running away (again and again). Once I got my family to agree to go for family counseling to try to sort things out — when I started sharing my version of reality with my dad, he just got up, walked out and did not speak to me for six months. Yes, I do know the pain of feeling blamed and scapegoated.
I was sure things would be better if they would simply admit what they had done to me. And, like I said, on occasion they would. But I found it didn’t give me lasting relief. Finally I discovered that I secretly shared with them a similar belief about me. I too, thought I was unlovable, selfish, hurtful and incapable of being truly good. In other words, I discovered there was a part of me that agreed with them! What a hurtful surprise! It was like I needed them to forgive me so I could then begin to start forgiving myself. Of course, that was never gonna work!
I’ve found that this belief in our own badness is common among scapegoats. As children, we often come to believe that our family is right about us — that we are the rotten apple in the bunch. Once we think we are bad, we act the part, because after all, that’s what bad kids do, and that proves it to them and us and then we hate ourselves for it and blame them to take the heat off ourselves.
The downward cycle continues. For me, it’s been a process of recognizing what I do to perpetuate that cycle. I finally realized that I was the one who needed to approve and forgive me. I could not do either of those things as long as I was still caught up in needing their validation. I recognized by trying to get them to see the family dynamic I only ended up acting in ways that furthered their opinion (and my bad feelings) towards myself and them. Nothing was gained. The anger and hurt I felt so justified in holding onto prompted me to act in ways that only gave them more evidence to prove their story about me. As I said before, I realized that by holding onto my painful feelings, i was actually scapegoating myself.
So I began to focus my energy and attention on restoring me to myself. I decided how they felt about me was something I could no longer afford to be concerned with — that more important was for me to begin to act in ways that supported me in feeling better and better about myself; I decided it was my opinion of me that mattered most, and so began, what for me, has been a long road towards self-acceptance.
I’ve been at this personal work for many years (more than 30 now) and there have been many resources along the way that have helped. Viktor Frankl’s book, “A Search For Meaning” was among the early works that helped tremendously. More recently, I recommend Byron Katie’s work ( http://www.thework.com ). Her book, “Loving What Is” teaches a practical formula for mental peace.
I hope this is helpful.
Blessings, Lynne
I am 39 and finally at the stage where I can identify the manipulations and scapegoating that has made me feel so badly about myself for so many years.
An example of my mindset:
Everyone I’ve ever worked with will spontaneously say to me, at one point or another, what a pleasure I am — always smiling, always positive. They tell me they look forward to seeing me. My Mother and Step-Father, however, tell me the very opposite and have for years and years. So.. which do I believe? Obviously I believe my parents, who supposedly know me better than anyone else and who I can’t fool.
There’s the crux of it for me. I do see that my mother, particularly, gaslights me and is likely a narcissist, but at the same time my view of myself as ‘bad’ is so so so deeply ingrained that I can’t believe it when I hear compliments like that. In fact I have a HORRIBLE time accepting or even hearing compliments.
Just one thing though — early on it was my brother who was the scapegoat but for the last 15 years or so (right after he moved away) it has been me. It’s been particularly painful because my mother has chosen the precise moments when I’ve needed her the most to withhold her physical and emotional support. My step-Dad backs her and to me, they both seem insane — in total denial. I hate that they will never ever admit what they do to me and did to my brother.
sher – if i might interject my comments (dunno if that’s “allowed” here?): i just wanted to, again, remark about the relief, if that’s the word, i get from reading posts like yours, to the extent that they help me not feel crazy, and like i really am bad, and a have alienated myself from my family and family friends based on some trumped-up, pop-psych lie – and that i have the *evil* to employ this tactic to actually blame my “faultless” family for doing what they did to me. do you know what i mean? it’s also interesting to me that so many who come to this realization are around our age – late thirties, early forties.
i wanted also to say, to ms. forrest in particular that, unlike she, realizing that i scapegoat myself, etc., was never the revelation to me it seems to have been for her; i feel i’ve known for a long, long, time that, although i believed i was intrinsically, almost certainly a bad person, i knew also that i punished myself accordingly – scapegoating myself.
what i wrote in the first paragraph is an example of this; until i found so much *validation* in reading stories like yours, lynn’s, etc., i was sort of on the fence with the rage i felt. having a family member respond to my ginger broaching of the subject of scapegoating in alcoholic families – and how maybe that happened to me – with dismissal (or later, anger, tears, “being hurt by my ‘accusations,’” etc.), would push me to the side of the fence i’ve been on since it all started so long ago, and i’d feel like “jesus, eric, you’ve sunken to the new low of trying to “blame” your own basic badness, that your family has tolerated all these years, to make yourself feel like you’re nothing but bad!” you know, messages like that.
i remember once, during a particularly horrible depression in my20’s whilst in college, i went to a midday AA meeting at a hospital near my house, because i had little money and therapy was days away. there were four other people there – all middle-aged women. that depression was characterized by intense, relentless feelings of guilt – for things real or imagined. it was the time when jeffrey dahmer was in the news, and i’d be sick with anxiety and fear all day thinking “what if i become like *him* some day?” –i mean, anything that i could feel horrible, evil, bad for – including, like this example, something i had no reason to fear in reality, but it was the most-repulsive, most horrible state i could think of a person being in – to be dalmer. so if my mind ran out of “sensible” reasons for feeling so bad about myself, i’d worry about “what if some day, i just change into a charles manson-type…” etc. those fears were excruciating, as ridiculous and insane as it sounds (even to me) now. my point here is that i *also* suffered from a sort of inversion of these fears – sometimes i’d worry and be angst-ridden with fears like “what if i feel so horrible and bad because i was a victim of some ritualistic, cultish, abuse as a young child, and i just don’t remember and have blocked it out, like they say happens?” now, that something like that has zero possibility of having happened – or any other “abuse” outside of being scapegoated (which i don’t try to mitigate here) – the media at that time was rife with stories of people remembering past abuse, etc., and it became my other, *major* fear and obsession during my depressions. o.k., my point is that at it was at this aa meeting, with these middle-aged, white, semi-professional women – all of whom sort of reminded me of my mom, incidentally – that i realized my twin fears amounted to either feeling like the *ultimate* perpetrator, or the *ultimate* victim. ruminating on “reasons” why i could be one or the other was exquisitely painful, but i suppose the “victim” fears were a little easier to bear as, if nothing else, i might have some small chance of “redemption,” if i didn’t go mad (like “sybil”) some day when i remembered all these horrible, unbearably thinkable things that must’ve happened to me for me to feel so bad about myself.
in the meeting, when i realized this and it was my turn to say something, i said “you know, i think that growing up in an alcoholic family (this was actually an al-anon mtg, i now recall) has resulted in my constant, rotating fear of being the worse of the worst aggressors – or the most abused, pitiful, unfixable, and ruined souls.” i proceeded, telling myself as much as i was telling them, “i feel either like i’m the ultimate offender – or i’m the ultimate victim.” and i remember the women laughing – not in a mean way, but in sort of a sympathetic, “isn’t it horrible how alcoholism in the family can affect us?” way. but i knew they had little idea of what i was talking about – or that i *wasn’t* being dramatic – i really did feel this way, or at least worried that it must be right that i ought to feel this way – constantly, and was in constant torment.
neither did they – nor i – pick up on the effects of scapegoating i was demonstrating. it wasn’t until my early thirties that i began to think “wait a minute!” even then, it didn’t seem like a “big deal” to me so much. as i approached 40, however, like so many others, i began to think “wait a minute! seriously, wait a #$%#$@ minute here!” to myself. this occurred in tandem with my increased inquiry into alcoholic family systems, etc. (something i thought i knew everything about, as i’d been in a decade of therapy, and everyone in the family, save for my dad, the drinker, had also been in (or was) in therapy). i had written all of that alcoholic family role stuff – and all the AA /12 steps stuff off long ago, preferring “real” psychology; interpersonal, rogerian, analytical psychotherapy. the shrill, “everyone’s-a-victim/everyone’s been abused” books and popular psychology literature at the time made me even more repelled by all of “that alcoholic family stuff.” i was going through what i was going through because i’d come out (as gay) to my family years earlier, and these were the remnants of guilt i’d sublimated all my life. i can’t go into how much being gay was intertwined with my being the scapegoat – but it’s significant.
so i guess, after all that “me, me, my story” stuff, i just wanted to say thanks (sher – and lynne – and everyone who posts here) for giving me some cold comfort in what can be a miserable experience, questioning oneself, feeling righteous rage and indignance one day and crushing guilt and prostration the next.
*and* lynne, i wanted to ask you again if you might ever share your experiences of rage and indignance – around all of this – however unhealthy and/or unproductive (or destructive) those years and times of your life were. i ask, because as i’ve written, it hasn’t been a secret to me for a long time how involved i’ve been over my lifetime of earning my title over and over; but i always knew, on some level, that “they started it.” i always knew, on some level, that “they made and make me this way – i have no choice and no other way to be.” and i guess i’d like to know more about your futile and destructive attempts at “proving” to the family what they did. you – for good reason – seem to touch on those experiences only to the extent that involved your own scapegoating of yourself, and how damaging it was, and how “[you] did it to [yourself]!” and maybe my wanting to hear about your times is my wanting more validation for what’s been happening to/by me over the last five or six years – or maybe i just want to know that you are really “one of us” lol – you know, ’cause it seems like you’re so wonderfully over the rage and hurt and that peerless frustration of feeling that you will never get justice. i don’t know – maybe it’s an unhealthy request, and i just want to revel a kind of group-sanctioned fury and righteousness. if it is the latter, though, i do think, as one other poster implied, that we are entitled to our rage, indignance, fury, etc. before i ever felt any of this anger so acutely, were the long string of years i was subject to gutwrenching depressions, loaded with guilt and obsessive contrition.
well, i’ve gone on far too long, and have jumped around as usual, but i can’t explain how helpful it is to read posts on here and think, for a second, that i actually wrote what i’m reading, and somehow forgot having posted it. the validation of this reality, when the people closest to you and who shaped you, deny it at every turn, is PRICELESS to me right now.
EL
I understand how helpful it is to feel that someone has been where we’ve been, so with that in mind, I will share a true story from my own history:
At age 15, my dad, an alcoholic, told his drinking buddies on one of his drinking binges that I was “whoring around.” Among the repercussions I suffered as a result of that and similar lies, was the loss of my best friend, because her dad, having heard the rumor, forbid her to hang out with me again. I felt deeply hurt, humiliated and angry when I found out what my dad had done. I had not yet even made out with a guy, much less been sexually active (not counting the sexual abuse I’d experienced as a young child by an uncle, which was also blamed on me when I finally did come clean about it). I couldn’t believe my dad would do such a thing and I ran away from home. When my dad found me, he denied he had said those things and he blamed someone else for his lies. In my desperate desire to believe him I turned my hurt and rage onto the accused and ended up losing that friendship too.
By the time I got back home my dad had disappeared. He was gone for six months. During his absence I had launched myself headfirst into a life of drugs and self-destruction.
I entered counseling at the age of 20 and so began a long, slow and slippery road to recovering my sanity. I found AA and freedom from drugs in 1980, at the age of 28.
Have I forgiven my dad? Absolutely. Although not for many years. I was deeply hurt and angry with him and at the same time I couldn’t stop seeking his approval which he seemed adamant about withholding from me. For instance, he never admitted that he had lied, or apologized for that or any of the other things he had done. It took years of self inquiry for me to see that it was my own thoughts, and not his behavior, that was tormenting me.
How was I able to forgive him? My work with the Drama Triangle helped immensely. I began to see that holding on to memories of his unfair injustice required me to see myself as his victim. (“He did it to me.”) I learned that seeing myself as a victim only kept me on the victim triangle and did not bring me peace or self acceptance. Quite to the contrary, seeing myself as his victim kept me hating myself for being someone whose father would think to do such vile things to! It was many years before I realized that by refusing to forgive him I had to hold myself prisoner; I did not see that I needed to forgive him to love me.
Here are some of the realizations I had that helped me forgive him.
1. My dad (like all of us) did what he did because of the way he felt about himself. Whatever we cannot accept in ourselves, we deny and project onto others. He was acting in ways (philandering) that had him seeking relief. He could feel better about himself during those moments he was scapegoating me. This is not to excuse him. It’s just the way the human psyche works.
2. It was my believing that he did it to me, (i.e. personalizing his behavior) that kept me feeling bad. Everytime I would tell myself that my dad did not love or respect me, I hated me more which prompted me to act in self-destructive ways that only furthered my belief that I didn’t deserve to be loved. To be able to recover, I HAD to stop blaming him for my pain.
3. It was my own thoughts about my dad and his behavior towards me that caused me to suffer, not what he did. What’s interesting is that as I began to take responsibility for my feelings rather than blame them on him, I felt increasing ability to accept his humanness which led to an increased ability to accept my own humanness. After all, I’d done my own share of hurtful things to others — how could I expect to be forgiven if I could not forgive?
4. I realized that I was depriving myself of a father, no matter how imperfect a father he was, by refusing to forgive him. I decided to accept love and approval from him in whatever paltry amounts he offered because it felt so much better to look for the gifts he offered me (and there were many) then to create pain for myself by holding onto old wounds.
5. I realized that the wounding I experienced at his hands had set me on the path to being who I am today and I am grateful. How would I be able to relate to folks like you — what else could have motivated such a life long journey of seeking truth and inner peace — if my father had not been such a powerful “initiatior” for me? After all he is the one who set me on this spiritual journey, and for that I am forever grateful.
Btw, my father died in 1987. By the time he died our relationship was one of mutual acceptance and forgiveness. I am grateful to have experienced the lessons he brought me.
I sometimes imagine me, when this life is over, hi-fiving him for the part he played in so successfully setting me on my life path and purpose.
Blessings, Lynne
Eric,
wow and thank you for your open, thoughtful and honest interjection! I completely identify with everything — EVERYTHING — you’ve said. The part about worrying that I might have been subjected to some sort of ritualistic childhood abuse.. been there too. Like you, I’ve tried everything to figure out why I must feel so guilty all the time! it must be something really bad.. OR *I* must be something really bad.
I get it 100%. The ultimate victim or the ultimate monster.
And the rest of your post, too, really resonates with me. The way you feel after you confront them, like “there I go, sinking as low as they always knew I would sink when they never really did anything to me after all did they?” But then *knowing* they *did* do many many hurtful things — really hurtful things and I have a right to defend myself and stand up to them!!! And the cycle continues. Anger, contrition, Anger, contrition.
I would love to post the recent email my mother sent. It’s SO typical. So manipulative. And yet I bet if others who do not have a narcissistic parent were to read it, they just wouldn’t get it. It’s very difficult to put into words any examples of just how their behaviours are abusive, isn’t it? And when it’s a whole family against the scapegoat, it’s even harder to believe yourself, your *own* interpretation of their words and actions.
All I know is I’ve tired of giving in to it. I have had enough long lapses of time away from my mother (all her doing, BTW) at this point that I’ve had the time to see what life is like without her berating me. I have a wonderful spouse who has also been able to validate my perspective (but only recently, because Mom is SOOOOOO slippery). Anyway I’m hoping to heal.
To forgive.
But unlike Lynne, I know I won’t be able to high-five my mother later on, because if I were to forgive her and still spend time with her she would hurt me all over again. I can’t possibly detach from her enough to stop her undercutting my successes, and I won’t subject my daughter to her, either.
so thanks Eric. You’ve helped me, too.
lynn,
thanks for indulging me – and anyone else who might’ve wanted a glimpse at the anger, sadness, and frustration that characterized your experience as a scapegoat. while i really do agree with – and know – the general methods you cite as being essential in escaping from the otherwise terminal condition of being a family scapegoat, i suspect that i am still in some stage or cycle of the phenomenon where i cannot accept my family’s denial of what they did – and do – to me. i do not want their apology, grief, or…anything but their acknowledgment of how i am mistreated; if for no other reason than this would presuppose their own journeys toward true mental health.
you see, i feel that i *need* my family; we’ve always been close to each other (except for my dad), and have supported each other. that may sound incongruous with my rants about being mistreated, etc., but remember it is only when i began to throw off the mantle of scapegoat that all of that closeness and support began to disintegrate. when i was busy fighting depressions characterized by the agony of believing i was the most wretched soul on earth – either due to some horrific curse or because i truly deserved feeling like a monster – my family was always there for me, and i for they.
as i didn’t see this coming, and as i have naturally been estranged from many family friends now, too, i have little support that i consider “genuine,” to the extent that it derives from someone who truly knows me – like my family, for example.
what i mean is that i don’t think i can get through this without them – and yet the only way they can help me through is by owning up to what happened in our family, and not just what happened to me – the whole thing. i’ve never felt surer that none of them will do this. this leaves me with an abiding fury – seemingly the only thing between me and despair.
i have been noted – and sometimes accused – of sounding litigious when arguing; building up a solid case and being very precise and accurate. i’ve always been this way, because somewhere in my mind all those years, i think i knew that were i ever to “clear my name” – to myself AND the family – i needed to notice and store everything. when i exhibited scapegoat-worthy behavior, on some level, though i knew it was expected as it was punished by my family, i also knew whatever it was i’d done to be commensurate with something they’d done first.
but all of this being so utterly subconscious and subject to the whims of everyone involved, in terms of temporary suspension of “the rules” (for example, when i do something particularly non-scapegoat-ish, like singing at my sister’s wedding), it all escaped me very easily. a not-to-be-underestimated factor in confusing ALL of this – and in a way that has tended to render the whole issue moot – was my coming out (as gay) to the family about 20 years ago. that year-long event was characterized by my begging my family to love and accept me, “in spite” of what i was about to tell them. it also saw me to the psych. ward of the hospital. nevertheless, it tended to, over the ensuing years, “wrap it all up,” in terms of my family now “understanding” why “john was so contrary, anti-social, different, and bitter” all those years. but i continued to wrestle with severe depressions, as described above, and continue to receive their support and sympathy, too.
when i began to actually “be” gay, in terms of being sexual and having relationships, and gay friends, it became ever clearer to me that simply being gay – though inviting its share of unique abuses to my person and psyche whilst growing up – didn’t explain the significant self-loathing (or fear i deserve to be self-loathing), and wrenching feelings of pure badness i continued to deal with – long after my family “accepted” me and were even attending gay pride parades, etc. indeed, i have yet to meet a gay person whose family/ coming-out experience resulted in the long-term effects that i’ve attributed to my growing up gay – even those whose families were ultra-conservative, religious, and/or who have “disowned” them to this day.
it was a very subtle, delicate, and non-deliberate process when i began to discern the difference between, perhaps the *reason* i was selected as scapegoat (being gay – or appearing gay to my parents/siblings) and the consequences that ensued from fulfilling that necessary role in the family. or separating the reasons for my anger, self-hatred, and unhappiness with feeling i was “bad for being gay” or just “bad” due to being the scapegoat in my family.
interestingly, just weeks after i came out to my father – the last family member i did so to – during a family dinner (he acted like it was “no big deal,” ostensibly because he was relieved that we weren’t all acting so strangely because we were about to confront *him* about his drinking), we *did* do an “intervention” on him. for the first time, ever, the family confronted my dad about his drinking. that is, now that my “badness” was understood, explained, sympathized with, and “forgiven” by the family, the person who actually “deserved” to be recognized as the family problem – the bad one – was actually, finally, being recognized as such.
my father basically said in a very businessman-like tone, “i’m sorry you feel that way” to us – that’s really all i remember. i went off to college, struggled with psych. problems (as did two of my siblings), and the family was broken apart, at least physically. not much later, my parents divorced – my mother being the initiator.
then, as my thirties accelerated, my “gayness” became so utterly and obviously not the reason for my continued feelings of badness and being “deserving” of tacit family contempt (which was always mixed with a sighing, “we’ll always forgive and love you” condescension), i began to understand the truth about things. at this point, it was all rather subconscious to me; i was angry – vaguely toward my family and family friends; my siblings began to avoid me, leaving me out of parties, get togethers, etc. (and then blaming me for my remoteness or saying “you never called *me* either). as my awareness of what had been happening all my life became “conscious awareness,” that is, when i began to revisit alco. family roles, scholarly literature on the subject, and various events of the past and present, some very blatant (for my family) examples of my being called out unfairly began taking place. this included my mother – who everyone loves and adores because of her ultra-sweet, kind, and root-for-the-underdog nature – called me a “prick” in front of everyone while we prepared brunch at my sister’s apartment. i’d made a snarky, obviously-meant-to-be-humorous comment about the turkey bacon my sister was making, saying “it doesn’t *taste* quite like bacon…” that was my sin. “eric, don’t be such a *prick*!” my mom exclaimed. do defense from anyone – only my twin sister muttering “that’s one for the history books…” later, my mom actually said “you know, i don’t even know what that word really means – what does it mean?” then, in an emailed response to my email about how that act – calling me something she’d never dare say to *anyone* else, within the family or not (including my dad, who deserves to be called much, much worse by my mom for what he did to her) – my mom listed a battery of sins i’d committed that morning – i mean really grasping at straws (that didn’t exist). she wrote things like “it’s the way you don’t bring a hostess gift when you arrive; the way you insist upon bringing your dog and then get angry when he can’t be accommodated; the way you barged in front of so and so to get to the refrigerator; and i suppose that bacon comment just put me over the edge.”
now, as a gay man, i never neglect to bring a hostess gift – wine, flowers, *something.* and i had that day, too. i had asked whether my small westie would be welcome weeks before, but it was a conversation (i thought) between my sister and me, and i didn’t “insist” or become unreasonable. the barging? no idea. then she went on to tell my how lucky i was to have such a loving twin sister “who always looked out for you…”
so the prick comment did go down in history, and really was and is the event i point to as the most obvious “proof” of my continuing mistreatment – however much i’ve tried to change and not “deserve” my scapegoat title anymore. it was a particularly blatant example, as i’m from a family where everyone is always “appropriate,” charming, and where confrontation is avoided with rigor. hence, demonstrating the subtle ways in which i’ve been mistreated over and over, are easily dismissed with self-righteous claims of “i’d have treated *anyone* who did/said that the *exact* same way.” a defense quite impossible to deny them, however patently false we all know it to be.
i’ve gone on too much – i apologize. i can’t remember where i was going; it just felt so nice to give this account (for the umpteenth time) to, perhaps, people who’ll nod in sympathy (ever notice how when you complain of scapegoat stuff to friends who are completely unrelated to your family, how they seem to glaze over and kind of “not get it,” and you feel as if they think you’re a neurotic malcontent who is just *looking* for a reason to be relevant or dramatic in a family that has long since parted ways, and in which you never enjoyed a central place?).
my god have mercy on us all,
el
El,
I understand. Anger is a powerful antidepressant even if it does carry some hefty side effects. I trust your process is what it needs to be.
Having said that — I just can’t resist sharing here this link sent to me by one of my subscribers a few days ago on Radical Forgiveness — it beautifully describes an example of how forgiveness can work for those who are ready for it. http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/pdf/jillstory.pdf
lynne:
thanks, i am about to read the pdf now. and i hope you’ve inferred throughout my posts that, in spite of my obvious fury, i do know that, after all, the path to my redemption has always been love and forgiveness – notwithstanding anything i’ve been through.
you see, it’s particularly difficult for me right now, to embrace all that “forgive and forget/i am my worst scapegoater” stuff, because i’ve got very, very fresh wounds. i know you can understand and appreciate that – and i thank you for letting me continue to post here. that is, i thought maybe your post above might close with something like “while i understand your pain and anger, this is a place of healing, so i cannot publish anymore of your anger-oriented posts.” i don’t think you’d do that, as i know you know how it is for those of us who are, perhaps, where you’ve been in the past.
and indeed, i know a *taste* of the peace that you seem to have around all of this – and, when i felt that, what happened to me seemed…irrelevant. it didn’t change my beliefs about the *truth* of what happened, but it made me utterly uninterested in pursuing any agenda involving the “educating” or “persuasion” of my family. but at the same time, as with you, i didn’t feel so bad around them (during that short enlightenment). i sense that were i able to have stayed in that space, they’d “come around” anyway – but even that wasn’t all that important.
i’m in a situation that can lead anyone to pessimism and nihlism: i was layed off, i live in the world we live in today which, as you know, is rife with corruption, bad news, and suffering at every single turn, and i’ve turned 40. i suppose that the recent slings and arrows directed toward me in the name of scapegoating just made me sink into a place of fury, bitterness, futility, hopelessness, and sorrow. and that’s not an easy place from which to emerge, especially when one has so, so many real and compelling reasons for being there!
so please know that, in addition to the others i’m sure you’ve helped – including yourself – my stumbling across your blog and “enduring” what has seemed to my bitter and jaded viewpoint right now to be pollyannaism on your part, has been reminding me, slowly and subtly, that love is the answer – love for self and others. and i don’t mean any of the articles or books to which you’ve referred – i have skimmed some of them – but just your writing me back here and, always doing so with positivity (even when i wanted you to “be on my side” and write stuff like “hell yeah, you should be mad! they ruined half of your life!”). lol
finally, your willingness to consider the thoughts that i, a perfect stranger (and not a very at-peace one) might have about you, well that impressed me. i suppose i’d just like to remind you, as if you need it, that so many of us in this truly unique and hellish situation languish in places of intense anger, sadness, despair, and frustration – especially when we make our way here (or elsewhere) looking for answers, validation, and…sanity. this can make some of the wisdom you espouse seem like a trigonometry book…to someone expecting or wanting a basic addition and subtraction lesson; forgiving one’s self (much less the other scapegoaters), when one is just realizing what’s been going on all his/her life, can seem like the last !$#@$#%$# thing one would want to consider when first dealing with identification as a family scapegoat. as essential as self-forgiveness is, it implies (but does not have to) that we, the scapegoated, are, after all, guilty as charged. forgiving everyone else with no guarantee (or indeed, any good reason to believe) that they’ll change, can seem equally outrageous to someone who’s just beginning to throw off, deny, and reject the badness assigned to him all his life. that’s all.
if i can know some of the peace to which you refer (and i have, as i’ve said, in the past, when i *realized,* truly that it was what *i* believed and thought about myself that *really* mattered), anyone can – including me (again). i’ve just had some setbacks – one particularly devastating one involved MY thorough verification of my standing as scapegoat during a family event – after months of therapy with siblings who reject the idea (of that being my *role* –not my basic nature).
be well,
el
Thank you EL for your honest feedback. I do understand about that part of us that wants others to commiserate, and my heart does go out to you. However, to commiserate, I fear, requires me to agree with your description of yourself as a victim and I have not found that vision of self or others to be particularly helpful.
I believe in your ability to grow through these challenging times.
Many blessings, Lynne
Wow. And to think I was alone in the scapegoat role. I struggled for years trying to receive affirmation – and my mother just kept saying: “You have to fix yourself.” She was angry at me all the time, and I secretly wondered if I was adopted. She used to take my friends aside and tell them what a terrible person I was. I am 55 now. I just went home for the first time in ages – I invited myself, as my dad is getting very old and will not live much longer. They had their Christmases and their house in Florida – I was never invited to the party as I was labeled “difficult.” I haven’t been to a family Christmas in 30 years. My father even advised my brother not to invite me to his wedding, but my brother said no, he wanted me there. Yes, I am the second born of seven. And even though my siblings joined in on the criticism and alientation for years, they have slowly come to see me a nice person, and I have become a doting auntie to a young niece who thinks I am fabulous. (I never had kids myself as I never had enough self-esteem to be a parent.) I did marry in my mid 40s after finally learning how not to sabotage a relationship after many years of counselling.) Anyhow, I flew home and stayed a few days with my parents last month. My mother got right into her criticism role, jumping on my every comment. One time my father intervened and told her to stop. That meant so much to me. I wanted to see my father – as he is failing rapidly health-wise – and when I could no longer bear my mother’s cold behaviour, I went to my bedroom for a quiet cry, and my dad came in and gave me a hug. That has meant everything to me. I noticed that my sisters all had paintings and china gven to them from my mother. She gave me nothing. I tried not to let that hurt me. After all they are just things. What really hurt was seeing all the photos on her dresser. There is a framed photo of every child and grandchild. My sister’s graduation photo is there. Another sister’s wedding photo. There is no photo of me. Not a one. My baby picture, which used to be in a silver oval frame, is missing. I asked about why my photo was missing and she said, “Give us a break. We’re old and frail.” As if this explains it. I knew that an argument would ensue so I said nothing. When I left, I thanked my parents for having me. They said nothing and just stood there. I asked if my mom had a book I could take on the plane, as I had finished the one I brought – and they have books everywhere. She said no. I thought, how can she still be so cruel to me? It was an awkward parting. I came home to my husband and dogs who love me, warts and all. I have my baby picture on my own dresser, and every day, I tell that little girl, she is beautiful and kind and loving. I still love my father and mother, but I can see now that things will never change with them, and I have to find my own happiness. Trying to please them is an exercise in futility. Scapegoating has to be the most cruel thing a person has to endure. I feel everyone’s pain on this web site. I think we are all sensitive souls. I would love to write my memoirs but I know that it would be too cruel to do that. Best of luck to all – and please, someone, write a memoir. My family has no idea that scapegoating even exists!
Thank you Jan for sharing. I am glad you found us. Yes, every dysfunctional family has a scapegoat so there’s lots of us … we can’t change our family’s mind about us, or change the way they treat us — we can only change our attitude about ourselves (and towards them) by refusing to take on their assessments of us, by refusing to act in retaliation (thus validating those assessments), and by insisting on becoming the good parents we deserve to ourselves.
The sooner we learn not to personalize their reactions by understanding it’s the role we are unconsciously assigned by the system and NOT who we are individually that determines that assignment, the sooner we can recover a positive sense of ourselves. It sounds like you’ve come a long way towards that already!
Blessings, Lynne
This has been incredibly helpful for me. I can’t even begin to express… There is a name to what I have endured from my family and a way of seeing myself I now need to examine.
I was wondering, Lynne, do you have any recommended reading for us scapegoating targets that has specifically to do with relationships? I have had significant trouble in this area of life and I see that there is a connection. I typically get involved with men that are unavailable (emotionally, geographically, or otherwise), …I hold on to the doomed relationship with all my might, which is usually for years. As it is ending, usually HE is basically trying to pry me loose and make me see how it’s not going to work because of this or that. However, the “this or that” that he comes up with is usually having to do with some inadequacy I have — such as: “I’m too in need for him to be around” (a guy I’ve dated who was geographically unavailable) when I think there should have been more responsibility for him to say “I can’t give you what you need”. Of course, I shouldn’t have gotten so involved in the first place. But I know that there is some connection here with this pattern and being a scapegoat in my family.
Thank you for any input.
Hi DLB, Thanks for your comments … my own book will be out by the end of summer — and until then I recommend a powerful book by Byron Katie: “I Need Your Love, Is That True?”
Our relationships directly reflect the nature of our own beliefs about relationship; for instance, If I believe my needs are not going to be met I will attract men who don’t meet my needs. In this way, I inadvertently prove over and again that my belief is true.
What I don’t see is how, believing my needs won’t be met, I unconsciously act in ways that will elicit responses from them that verify my belief (by nagging, demanding, complaining to them about how they don’t meet my needs or by clinging desperately to them — all behaviors that drive away rather than attract intimacy).
Hope this helps,
Lynne
Where was this information 20 years ago!? I could have used this when I was doing my recovery (from a dysfunctional family and incest survivor work). It is very reassuring to me to know that I’m not the only one who has suffered as a result of being labelled the “problem” in one’s family. However, I understand why and how I got to be the family scapegoat – I was born the outsider.
I understand why and how I got to be the family scapegoat – I was born the outsider. “Adopted” by my aunt and uncle, they actually never bothered to legally adopt me and make me a legitimate part of their family. Their reason for taking me in the first place was out of jealousy, resentment, competition and revenge against my birth mother and other members of my extended family. Like so many other scapegoats, I got help. However, I never acted out in the ways that scapegoats are said to – I never got involved with drugs or alcohol; I was never a sexually promiscuous teen and didn’t have a child early (or before I wanted to). I never saw myself as a victim; in fact, I ‘hated’ people who were constantly a “victim”. Perhaps that’s due to the fact that my aunt was a constant victim – even when she was abusing me. I witnessed this woman do nothing but complain about her miserable life and never once saw her take a single step or make even the smallest effort to change her set of circumstances. I vowed never to be one of those people. I’m pleased to say I am not. If I’m not happy about some component of my life, I take steps to change it. And I CONSTANTLY sought ways not be targeted and blamed for the silly, inane crap that was placed at my feet. I couldn’t escape. When I got out, I immediately sought help. That was more than 20 years ago. Unfortunately, I never understood the magnitude of what being the family scapegoat would have on my life. Only now, after re-examining the role and reading the literature of the scapegoat and the long term impacts of that role, am I able to really see how my life has been shaped by this retched title.
Putting my focus on recovering from incest, I did not see how being the scapegoat would blind-side me with its effects. As “Sarah” posted above (12.24.09 at 11:57 pm), “…after all I have learned from recovery and therapy about myself and my abusive family. I thought I already ‘knew’ this, and yet – I was dragged into the depths once again with being the scapegoat.… I could see it happening around me, and I felt powerless in this professional environment. And yet, other people are able to get through this environment and survive, what happened that I was taken down so easily and so quickly?”
I did the work, I got help, I educated myself and was determined to live my dreams. I created the career I had always dreamed of, then ran into obstacles that still have my head spinning in disbelief at what I experienced. Just like in my childhood, I was singled out and blamed for the silliest things; I was harassed, and accused of things for which I don’t even have the proclivity. I felt mistreated, singled out and was constantly targeted – usually over nothing. I was constantly told “nobody likes you.” I was fired from every job of my chosen field because “nobody likes you..” or “you don’t get along with anyone…” or “you think too much of yourself, you’re stuck up…” Oddly, I never felt that no one liked me, I felt quite accepted by the group. I had friends, I went out with the group just like everybody else and had no problems fitting in. Usually, my accusers were 1 or 2 people in management (or someone who could influence management) and it was always enough – just the right 1 or 2 people who had some power. Just like in my childhood. In fact, everything I experienced in my early childhood (ages 1 to about 4) mirror almost exactly what I experienced later in my working life. If only I had known, I feel like I could have been prepared, did the work needed to stop this vicious cycle and ultimately felt that I escaped my abusive childhood. It all came too late. After 5 years of bouncing from job to job, I could not go on. The abuse was unbearable. I gave up on my dream and the hope that my life could ever be what I always dreamed it could be — my life hasn’t been the same since.
I wish the contents of this site had been available to me when I was doing my original recovery work. But perhaps now, I can find a way out of this ‘victim’ triangle and find peace – at last. I’m sure I speak for many people when I say, Thanks Lynne, for the work that you do here.
KF
kf:
your wish for this site’s existence might be in vain, as i have come across it at 40 – around the age at which i realized all the unspeakable injustice and hurt that you describe had been done to me – and by me too – all my life.
i do thank lynne, also, but i sometimes feel a certain contempt for her. that is, i KNOW she is “right,” or that i need to be the first to stop playing the game, but I AM HUMAN – i HURT – so !#$% badly – from being so, so abused and scapegoated by those i’d been closest to my entire life. i honestly – really – sometimes feel as if i have died somewhere along the line, and am now in some kind of special hell, because it is so, so, so utterly unfair – and yet so F-ing predictable that *i* will be blamed and shamed.
maybe some scapegoats don’t make it the first time around – or maybe there is no second time around and those of us who don’t triumph in this life are accepted in another – or maybe life is just F-ing unfair and full of injustice – injustice that is NEVER revisited, accounted for, and made right. i can’t pretend to know.
oh god, i have had hope – via this site – that maybe i could escape this worst of fates (and i know how bloody self-pitying that reads) – but everything – no matter what “strategy” i try to engage or effect seems to just put me right back where i was. indeed, i am placed in a worse, even farther-scapegoated position, because my “new sins” are just added to all the old ones.
i am sorry, lynne; i believe you do good work and have helped a lot of people. but i am unemployed, can’t afford therapy – much less a trip to some retreat – and, most importantly, don’t think i’m STRONG enough to accept my fate. and i am – and have been – extremely strong throughout my life. but alas, i am only human, and losing your three sisters – and parents, to some degree – after complaining too long (or at all) about being the “scapegoat” of the family, can ruin the best of us. my family’s solution (apart from my dad, the alcoholic) was to send me to an expensive rehab resort. when i had the nerve to stay for just a week – after showing the physicians that i was NOT addicted to anything – nor breaking out in the DT’s – my three sisters – my best friends – and my TWIN sister, played the “we’ve done all we can – now we have to look out for ourselves” card. as if i’d EVER burdened them in ANY way – financially or otherwise. all i ever did to “deserve” my alienation was to actually speak the TRUTH about my scapegoating – including the MANY ways in which i contributed to it. i took so much care to ensure that it wouldn’t seem like a hot-potatoe issue – like someone MUST be the BAD one. but, as all literature primed me for, everything – no matter what i did, said, or didn’t do – resulted in the further solidification and confirmation of my “badness,” and has finally resulted in my complete separation from my sisters.
and, hand to god, i never, ever did *anything* to deserve such contempt and treatment. i am gay, by the way, and happen to be very sensitive, warm, and empathic; i did nothing but speak the truth to “deserve” my current lot.
and honestly? i don’t think i can do it, lynne. you may be stronger, or have more norepinephrine, more serotonin, or whatever, but i am dealing with the loss of my entire family, in a way that i fear is worse than had they just died.
in any event, ms. forrest, thank you for bringing light and Truth into this evil phenomenon that goes on in this world – regardless of whether your work doesn’t or cannot “save” everyone who happens upon your site.
peace,
em
Oh Em! I so hear your pain … and I do know the misery of living in such darkness — altho, you’re right, it has been awhile since I lived there for more than minutes at a time and so (thankfully) the memory is not as fresh for me as it obviously is for you.
The turn around for me came when I stopped fighting the world — Things began to shift dramatically once I stopped seeing the world as a mean, dangerous place. But you’re right, it is not possible to stop feeling like that viewpoint is true as long as we believe the thought that the world is as dark and negative as we have decided it is. Things cannot shift UNTIL we understand the true function of the world. Once we know that,and really practice knowing it everyday in all our dealings with life, then the quality of our life changes.
That thing we need to know is this: the world does not produce effects, it does not act upon us — it does not attack us or do anything to us. It is, always has been, and can only be, a mirror.
Life is a mirror that literally reflects to us whatever we believe. We experience in concrete form our thoughts made manifest. Life reflects those thoughts back to us so that we can see in physical reality what it is we believe.
Our beliefs about life, the world, who we are, and what we think we deserve are what we will see and experience in our life — ALWAYS! This thing we call life or reality has only one job, really … and that is to reflect our belief system, both as individuals and as a collective.
Once we understand this about how the world functions, it’s hard to feel victimized by it. We stop taking it so personal. As a result we see everything differently. We stop seeing ourselves as abused, and we start seeing how our abusers are simply mirroring to us the abuser in ourselves. We stop decrying how unfair life is because we suddenly understand that the world is not ruled by fairness, but by what we believe about the world.
For instance, ask yourself this question in all honesty, who do you become when you believe thoughts like this? What kind of harvest do you think comes from such thoughts as those below? What sort of reality will be reflected to us from such thoughts?
“I’ve been so badly damaged by my abusive family that I can never recover. I am doomed to agony and suffering.“
OR “Life is totally unfair and unjust — Life is hopeless — pure hell!”
I conjure up a pretty miserable picture in my mind when I remember what it was like when I lived in constant thoughts such as those above.
Now imagine what it would be like to think different thoughts? Thoughts like these:
“I am destined for greater and greater freedom and peace. My life is constantly showing me where I am out of alignment with myself and Source through the unhappy beliefs I’m believing. I have tools that help me question my painful thoughts so that I can regain center.“
OR
“My abusive family has strengthened me. They have shown me through their example what I don’t want.“
Such thoughts leave you with feelings of strength and genuine relief — feelings that lead to inner peace:
As an aside: remember there are two kinds of teachers — those who inspire us as positive role models & those who show us what we don’t want to do or be. Both styles of teaching are valid pathways to learning. Some of us seem to respond better to one style than the other and most of us have at least a few of both kinds of teacher in our lives. My father was definitely of the second category. He showed me what it was like to live a life of addiction and pain. My mom was a different story. She was a blend of both styles of teaching.…
Anyway I just wanted to be sure you knew that there’s a choice here in how to see your life and that choice makes all the difference in the world in how you feel.
Many blessings, Lynne
Em, thanks for your input. I really appreciate the perspective of others who have found strength through a shared experience. As a friend, do me a favor – and you are my friend — STOP telling yourself that you have ‘lost your entire family.’ Its just not true. It’s just an illusion. You have lost no one! You can be there for yourself, for starters and be to yourself all they were not able to.
When I finally realized I did not ‘need’ my birth mother, her love, acceptance or anything else, I was able to let her go – completely and totally. No anger, no tears, no resentment, just goodbye and good luck. I don’t want her in my life and it’s purely because she no longer serves a purpose in my life. Considering that she has done nothing but use me anyway, it seems a wise decision. Then I was free to no longer play the victim in that game with her (I stopped being her “rescuer” which made her pretty angry). Sure, I wanted her love and acceptance (when I thought I needed it)! I would be there for her because I was so desperate to be loved by her. But the woman has never given me anything in my life that did not serve her! Well, she gave me life, and apparently that was all I needed. I certainly don’t need her love and acceptance to be me, to be whole. When I saw that — there was an amazing shift. The same was true for my adoptive family as well.
Lynne, as always, thank you for your insight. I feel Em’s pain, too. But I completely understand where he’s coming from. What upsets or bothered me in this whole process (and maybe this is where Em is coming from as well) is that we “mirror” things back based on an experience we did not want and/or that we had no control or influence over. As infants, babies, toddlers, we had no choice but to accept the abuse our caregivers put upon us. And our core beliefs etc. are all pretty firmly in place by the time we’re 3 or 4 years old. I was labeled a “liar” at the age of 3! Three?! Can you imagine?! So what do you think I did when I was older? You bet, I lied. A lot! Until I was able to recognize that’s not who I wanted to be (at the age of 12) I wasn’t able to a consciously stop to it. But prior to that, I got that label and even when I told the truth, I was accused of lying (the family still needed their scapegoat). How can a three-year old defend themselves against that?! You can’t! And as we grow up, we get stuck with this s_*t and have to try to fashion lives for ourselves based on things we NEVER would have chosen for ourselves! This down right pissed me off! And made it a lot harder to deal with this victim consciousness because I (still) am pretty darned indignant about the whole affair! Upon discovering this whole “mirroring” thing my thought was ‘what!!!!??.… is this a joke? You’re kidding, right?!!? You mean, I get to live a life of being treated like a piece of s&^ t because of a set of circumstances I had no control over? Oh, and its all unconscious, so you don’t even really know about it… Even though I worked by ass off, did all the “right” things: forgave, prayed, loved, got therapy, meditated, read ever esoteric, religious, and theosophical Yin, Yang bru-ha there is out there, applied all the ‘principals’, and accepted and, and, and…? Really? Really? Really?’ How can Em NOT feel the way he does?
Eventually, I found a way to recognize the positives from my situation – I’m incredibly resourceful, focused, strong willed, compassionate and understanding, among other skills that maybe I wouldn’t have developed under other circumstances. But none of that will give me back the years of my life I lost (and dreams I held) in search of peace.
Thanks Lynne.
Thanks for sharing your helpful thoughts, Fleming, I bet you speak for a lot of people in what you express here, and quite well, I would add!
Your questions around the unfairness of the whole set-up for us as innocents born into dysfunction is one I have explored as well. My conclusions are these:
We are energetic beings who are energetically attracted, even at birth, into the family system that is best designed to evoke and awaken in us the path we come to walk and explore. This is not a good or a bad thing, it is not right or wrong, it just is and being pissed off about it certainly doesn’t change it.
All we really need to know is that we are here to work on the challenges put before us through the set-up we are born into. My childhood history, which included an angry alcoholic parent and sexual abuse, was the path designed to deliver me right where I am today. I feel no regrets.
I long ago got over the notion that life was supposed to be fair OR safe — it’s obviously not supposed to be either because reality is that it is not! And since I trust that everything is by design and “on purpose” I trust that my life is, and has been, exactly what I needed it to be for my own personal and spiritual evolution. The hindu’s teach that those who are masters on some level take on the most difficult lives because they know it’s the path of greatest learning. I like that idea myself. It leaves me with positive feelings about my life; when I think that might be true I see my life as purposeful, by design, and intentional. I feel empowered and strong to think I took on a path with challenges because I wanted to expand my own consciousness in leaps and bounds. And it appears to me that that could very well be true!
Whatever we believe, what it comes down to is the fact that we get to make a simple, basic choice: We choose whether to line up with life, as it is, thus turning our life challenges into grist for the mill of consciousness, or we choose to resist reality, rail against it, and beat our heads against the walls of life. It’s up to us.
For me, I choose alignment with reality. It works beautifully. But don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself and report back.
Many many blessings, Lynne
flemming and lynne:
what a difference 24 hours can make; after that angry tract – which i wrote after a few scotches and waters – lynne wrote me and i obtained one of her books, and have been reading it all day.
it doesn’t – and this is no slight on ms. forrest – tell me anything i didn’t already know or believe but, well, maybe the Spirit moved me last night – then moved lynne – etc. i don’t know. but things are different today.
and though i’ve been through a decade of therapy, as well as just having to put up with the whole scapegoat curse all my life, i haven’t really tried all that hard to change things – because i felt i couldn’t. and that belief made me not care about living anymore. utterly passively suicidal i’ve been.
and flemming, i am pleased to call you friend; thank you. you are correct, in many ways, that i’ve not lost my family. first, i do know that they love me. that, as you and lynne remind, isn’t necessary or prerequisite to God, Reality, and Truth. but it happens to be true in my case anyway. their love just seemed – so suddenly – to be such a total, limited, and crushing let-down. it was as if i’d discovered unlimited conditions and loopholes in a doctrine of love i thought was perfect and unconditional between us. earthshattering.
anyway, as i’ve been on this path before (the path of “knowing” and realizing what i must do – and even shedding my anger and sadness), i also know that it has never lasted for me – because i never did the work, or commited myself to daily alignment, clearing, etc. as willing as my spirit has always been, that’s as weak as my flesh is.
one more thing – mostly for lynne, i suppose: i didn’t endure abject, horrid abuse; that is, maybe it was, but it was always so tacit and clinical (being taken to psychiatrists over and over beginning at 7years, etc.). my point is that i think i’m finding that a lot of my core beliefs or core values i can’t remember the term right now are more of the “i *might* be worthless” variety – or “if i’m not an intrinsically bad person, then why…?” or “there’s a good chance i am as bad as i’ve always felt – god knows i earned the scapegoat title after a while…”
i have the coresponding retaliative thoughts of “i NEVER deserved.…” and “i never did anything any more horrible than the average kid…”
i guess my point is that a lot of my core stuff is so…vague and equivocal. that is what made me so painfully prone to obsessive “what if?” thoughts about myself. thoughts that could never be answered for anyone, but that would plague me throughout college and beyond “what if some day *i* turn into a jeffrey dahmer type??” the terror of those impossible-to-answer questions was unbearable.
i guess i’m just saying that i hope i don’t get hung up on minutiae like these – intangible, academic, and/or psychological ideas – and let them make me think that i can’t do the work, per se, because i get too confused and full of questions and challenges and “what about what jung says?” and this and that; you know? that’s what usually thwarts me. “i need a guru? says who?” that’s one that sort of precluded my feeble start in raja yoga. so many reasons and barriers seem to come up, u know?
one more thing i wanted to add, and i’ve probably said it before here, but…
i think a lot of us scapegoats, identified patients, etc., arrive at sites like these after a lifetime of simmering anger. the anger of knowing, but not quite fully enough to make any difference, that we’ve been played like pitbulls in a basement – egged on and made angry – and then blamed for our resultant “badness.” that’s a partial quote from a liz phair song, fyi.
but then, after all, we finally experience the RAGE that comes with realizing that we weren’t and aren’t bad. or perhaps some of us think we weren’t bad, but were made bad by unfair and ill treatment. whatever the case, we arrive in therapists’ offices or sites like these (few as they are) feeling the rage of a million injustices, and know that we, too, contributed to our own abuse – something that, for me, only served to be a sickening multiplier of my rage. to quote someone else – ethel rosenberg – my hatred grew and piled on top of itself until it reached the sky, where it formed the star of [eric ledsmar’s] hatred, a star that burns acid green one night a year…” something like that.
my point is that anger, rage, despair, indignance – they’re all natural emotions for those harmed in such a way. like lynne says in one of her books, just because it’s normal or natural doesn’t mean it’s healthy. nevertheless, i will try very hard not to let memories of – or current thoughts of – rage and contempt to lead me into a place where i am judgemental and condemning of myself. a KEY line – for me– in one of ms. forrest’s book i’m reading now is that we mustn’t let any amount of self-judgement, recrimination, guilt, etc., be a part of or otherwise intrude on assuming self-responsibility. indeed, assumption of self-responsibility cannot happen if we’re focusing on guilt, regret, “what if?” thoughts, etc.
that’s all – peace
just a note fwiw:
having done fairly well all day, i began to google “family scapegoat,” and ensued to read different posts, descriptions of the phenomenon, etc.
i felt the familiar “pleasure” of self-pity and being backed-up/defended – for ONCE – by nameless professionals and academics whilst reading all about the phenomenon i know all too well from having experienced it AND researched it.
at the same time i experienced these delicious feelings of exoneration, “institutional” or roundly-agreed on academic “blame” on the family who continues to scapegoat me, my stomach began to lurch up for the first time today. it has been i knots for the last five years, more or less, while my realization of being the scapegoat finally occurred – and, especially, during the ensuing years of protest, explanation, trying to enlighten my family, and ultimately face their casting me out – to a rehab clinic i had no need for – as their answer to my constant complaining about *still* being scapegoated, after all these years.
this was a reminder that focusing on self-pity (that term never seems anything but pejorative, but it CAN be merited; one CAN very much have good reason to feel pity for oneself), though it can feel fantastic, in a sad way, only reveals that i am still in a victim mentality. likewise, reading literature about the phenomenon of family scapegoating and how unfair it is, etc., can feel “good” in that it let’s me say “F yeah! YEAH! see, x, y, and z family members; this is what you DID to ME and still do – it’s been F-ing codified in “the literature” for almost a century! why can’t you SEE IT?!?
but as good as that feels, again in a sad, unfortunate way, i am reacting and existing from a victim mentality. i think it’s necessary to go through these feelings, at least for me, but i’m grateful to lynne and other researchers who’ve, over the years, provided a WAY OUT of this hell, for those of us unlucky or lucky enough to have endured it.
just a stream of consciousness $.02 i had to add whilst on my mind.
don’t give up – anyone reading – and i am urging myself as much as anyone else. for whatever reason, it is SO EASY to succumb to rage, anger, contempt, and a thoroughly-justified feeling of indignance and disaffection – like the whole world owes you. but that you can choose a different path DOES NOT mean that you are abandoning the child within you that feels such utter sadness and RAGE for being KICKED around and abused. it means the opposite. God, let me remember that, please
Justified, these feelings may be, but that does not mean they are either healthy or helpful. I love your description here about how delicious these self-tormenting feelings can feel even as they curdle the stomach. I like even more though your dawning awareness that, justified or not, holding onto such feelings leaves you feeling sick and miserable. That’s you scapegoating you!
Good work Eric. I notice quickly these days the emotional frequency of that which I read or indulge in and decide accordingly what I want to “feed” myself in that moment.
The victim ego in us is always looking (and finding) that which fuels its unhappy stance on the world. Victim ego is happiest when we are most unhappy because misery strengthens its position and thereby cements its hold over our mind. Every time we opt for higher frequency thoughts, ego shrinks just a bit more allowing our authentic self (observer mind) to expand. May that process of expansion become your daily reality through practice.
Blessings,
I too was the scapegoat of my family. My mother died recently and I found some of her journals. I read some of her entires. I read that she didn’t like me; that she felt she had spoiled me growing up; that I ‘abused’ her; that I was always angry, and in a ‘snit’; that I am lazy, that I tried to keep my child from her.….so many things that don’t even sound accurate. She never mentioned that I had and have a chronic medical condition that includes exhaustion and feeling unwell most of the time. I was mostly saddened as I read this. She truly believed I was a bad person, who was mean to her, and who she simply had to tolerate. During the last years with my mother I remember trying to be good enough, worthy enough, for my family to love and approve of me.
What is most sad is that she expressed these thoughts in her journal but would never go to counselling with me or talk with me about these issues she believed.
I lived with her with my daughter for ten years years until my daughter was ten.
Her entire notebook included daily evaluations of things I said to her, did to her, and my moods. Its so so sad that I was ‘observed’ and evaluated but we never heard each other’s hearts.
I have the same type relationship with my sister– who I am now estranged from, since mom died-My sister is a charismatic and has told people that I abused our mom, am mean to Her, am jealous of her, because she is ‘normal’ and I supposedly am not; AND that I have demons and I and my daughter have generational curses.
I wonder why I wasted all those years trying to ‘good enough’ and neglected my own needs.I feel that I would have had to be perfect– with a certified document attesting to this– in order to even have been acknowledged as a human being by my family…lol.I was never a person to anyone in my family– just an ‘other’, if that makes any sense.
I just feel sad, because I love my family; and I won’t go through another 20 years trying to again be ‘good enough’ to be accepted by my sister and her daughter. Besides my daughter, they are the only family I have.
I put my mom’s one journal away, and threw the rest away. I didn’t read most of them. They are private and I feel bad for reading what I did. Its just all so sad. Its too late for my family to heal.
Great webpage.
Thank you for your bittersweet comments, Liz. You are right. What your family thinks of you is not your business. It is not your job to fix change their story about you, but to notice where there may still be remnants of the “I’m not good enough” story in your own mind and forgive that. It sounds to me that you are in that process. Many blessings to you. Lynne
Lynne, your response to Liz was so gracious and kind.
Liz — In reading your story, I’m reminded of something I think Melody Beattie said once, that a troubled family will destroy a person to keep their denial system from being penetrated by the truth. I wonder if that doesn’t apply to you?
I’m also reminded of the whole projection thing: In your case, it seems your mother spent an exceptional amount of time focusing her energy on your every move and your every utterance. Perhaps that extraordinary amount of time was the perfect pastime to keep from experiencing the pain of her own flaws – the very one’s she projected onto you. Imagine the amount of time, energy and focus it takes to maintain that kind of journal and those thoughts. WOW. That’s a person in pain. Good on you for not torturing yourself by reading through every diary.
I’ve got to give it to you – I admire your ability after all that to love your family. The only thing I love about mine was my ability to leave! Not to be cheeky, but really… And I hear you on that ‘neglecting your own needs’ thing. I was (probably still am to some extent) on that merry-go-round too, playing the part of the co-dependent, Starting Gate Rescuer.
But it’s amazing how the universe works. The minute I realized that I was a “starting gate rescuer”, I declared I was done. No more. I took steps, cut some key people out of my life whom I was clearly rescuing; then just when I thought I was done, the phone rang. Literally. It was down right poetic. It’s like the universe was saying “you’re not done yet… there’s one more…” Someone I thought had been my friend, whom I had been there for, listed to, cared for, withheld judgment for, had total acceptance for, patience and understanding, gave advice to (all the things I wanted and needed to receive), suddenly announced (in essence) he had absolutely no intention of ever giving me what I had given him over the years. Then I heard that little voice in my head saying “…after everything I’ve done for you…” It was CLASSIC! No, it was text book – literally. And in an instant, I knew. I stopped right then and there and put it in reverse. I then put ME and MY needs first. I told him exactly all the things I hadn’t said in the past because I was too busy “protecting” his feelings. He became angry, did his “how dare you” thing and I did what I should have done a decade ago – I hang up. When I realized I was putting my time, energy and love into an emotionally bankrupt system, I stopped making deposits.
I then thanked the universe for its unrelenting willingness to give me what I needed exactly when I needed it. And now, thank you Lynne! If I hadn’t come across your writings about the victim triangle, I might not have ever recognized my role in that scenario. I’m grateful, for my ability to accept responsibility for my own actions and for my willingness to take action to change. So, with great sincerity – thank you, again.
KF
Thank you so much KF for contributing some of your beautiful insights here. Stepping back from our rescuer role is such a big part of learning to take care of and be kinder to ourselves.
There is another step beyond stepping off the triangle in our dealings with others; it’s a step that helps facilitate our move out of victim and it comes as we consciously cultivate the perception of our families as being part of our own initiation on the path to knowing ourselves, our purpose and Source better.
When we begin to see that there are no coincidences, no accidents — that all things that come into our lives are meant to prompt and inform our choices and in that way direct us towards the purpose (and dare I say mission) of our lives, we spend less time regretting, mourning, and resenting the circumstances and people planted along the way.
This is a key to forgiveness and and is the path to inner peace.
Blessings, Lynne
Lynne,
Thanks again, so much, for the book you wrote “Guiding Principles…” I can’t explain it, but I’ve only sort of quickly read through the book – which is full of things my inner consciousness, as it were, has known full well – and I have felt SO much, if not all, of my anger and bitterness seem to evaporate.
I am not saying that I am practising everything in the book on a daily basis. Far from it. But when things come up, I do think of the tenets in the book, and they are changing everything. I pray this will last, but I know I need to practice it and put it in action for that to happen. And I am going to do. I am going to yoga for the first time next week. It’s “physical” yoga, but I am already rather familiar with raja yoga/meditation, but never seemed to have the discipline or whatever it takes to DO it. Fears of failure, etc. However, since my first experience with Raja yoga, the truth was uncovered, and I have known it since: that I – we all are – am a perfect source of love; so perfect, I can only give love away. We are children of God/source/love – whatever you call Love eternal.
Anyway, I want to thank you again for the work you’ve done and are doing – and “tolerating” the souls who find your page and are wont to discuss their pain, bitterness, indignance, rage, etc., because I know you know how that all feels and, perhaps, how necessary it is to go through all that before one can realize that it doesn’t pay – and only makes things worse.
I really hope to go to one of your retreats some day, but need to find a job and income again first. In the meantime, I am benefiting so much from this book; please know you’ve made a positive difference in my life.
Namaste,
EL
It is delightful to hear from you EL … and I am glad to hear that you are in the midst of transforming your life.
The consciousness journey is a process — it’s a step by step attuning to the principles; it’s about integrating those guiding principles into our life to the point that they become what determines our first response to the circumstances and situations we encounter along the way.
Regarding coming to one of my retreats — why not set your sights on attending my upcoming 2 day seminar at Joshua Tree Retreat Center in Joshua Tree, California that we just booked for March? The details will be posted on my website soon.
Blessings,
Lynne
Scapegoating is used when people are ashamed and unable to admit their guilt or responsibility for abuse or damage to other people. The insistence on being good means others must be bad to retain your sense of rectitude. Coming from a family with domestic violence and incest it has been painful yet enlightening to trace what shaped my parents and myself. The moment you stop scrambling for approval or change is a milestone. The moment you accept that you are free to walk away from destructive ties is also monumental. The moment when you recognise abusive and destructive behaviour in yourself and change is by far the most important. Ultimately we can only change ourselves. Why beat your head against a wall waiting for others to accept, love, respect and support you when other people outside your family can? Take the path of least resistance and use your experience as a creative lesson. For many people, family is a socially endorsed bad habit that is really hard to break. Be responsible and stay away if you’re in danger of being hurt or hurting others. Pain soon clears when you forgive and forget and focus on better things.
Lynne,
Came across your website after realising that not only was I scapegoated by my mother and sister (older) but by my mother-in-law, her children,and my husband as well. I can identify with losing out on jobs if another women had it in for me and had just a little more influence. I also married the family scapegoat which I have not seen so far as I read your column. This morning I realized that my husband and I seem to stay in the god awful triangle.
I finally washed my hands of my mother and sister (1995) of whom I was under the complete control of after my father died when I was 12 years old in 1965. He and I were extremely close and he thought just by being born I had hung the moon and stars. I think that helped me stay away from drugs, alchohol and promiscuity. Anyways forgive me for rambling but I stayed connected to my in-laws to keep peace with my husband until 2006 after they tried to destroy me with public humilliation. I have not seen any information about 2 scapegoats being married to each other. I know in our marriage I have done all the complaining, begging ad nauseum
stuff I shouldn’t be doing but I have the all inferiority complexes that goes along with being the family scapegoat. My husband has the keen ablity to constantly be the victim and has quite often passively/aggresively attacked me and I end up looking really bad and totally filled with anger and rage. Then it’s time to “fix” him again.
I know when those thoughts about people who hurt me come about my first response is to just say “I forgive them”. This does help but then again I don’t see these people or live with them like I do with my husband. I never believed in divorce and am afraid to be alone. I stayed partly because we have three children together but the youngest is now 16 and I get tired of him ignoring them, much like his own father ignored him. The biggest scapegoater to him was his mother and I don’t need to go in to how he was treated because it was a classic case. Oh and he finally told me in ’05 after 30 years of marriage that he was sexually abused by his uncle. I tried to show compassion and help him share this with his family to which their resonse was “Why are you bringing this up now?”
Thank for letting me share as I found so much beneficial information reading this website. God Bless.
Jean
Thanks for commenting Jean.
Although it is not uncommon for two scapegoats to marry; it can indeed make for a miserable time.
As scapegoats, we tend to see ourselves as being persecuted by our mate which prompts us to defend ourselves by attacking them. What often ends up happening in a relationship between two scapegoats is a vying between them for who is most mistreated. It becomes a victim competition to see who wins the right to claim “Most Abused.” When living out of such scapegoat tendencies we tend to react to the world in ways that keep us on the victim triangle.
I am so glad you found my site. I encourage you to subscribe to receive my weekly messages that are full of tips on how to move off the victim triangle. Sign up on my article, Faces of Victim
Blessings,
Just read over my last comment and realized I’d failed to mention why we, as scapegoats, tend to compete for victim with others, it’s really the same reason we do anything in life no matter what it is, which is because we believe what we believe. As humans we all operate out of certain “core” beliefs about who we are and about what we can expect from the world; these beliefs come from our early life experience.
Most of us walk through life unconsciously expecting to be treated like we were treated as children and so we unconsciously look for that treatment from others. We zero in on people who will give us what we expect and then are upset (but not surprised) when they do.
Because we expect to be scapegoated, for instance, and assume we will be, we automatically react by being on the defensive with people around us, which in itself invites the sort of response we expect. In this way we gather evidence for what it is we believe (i.e., people always blame me).
So in a relationship with another scapegoat when neither are aware that these dynamics are going on, we will either unconsciously align with each other against a world that we feel persecuted by (a scapegoat’s version of intimacy), or we blame the other for scapegoating us (as in the victim competition I mention above), and we often take turns with one another doing both. We are either rescuing our partner from being scapegoated by someone outside the family unit, or we are persecuting our partner for taking sides against us.
To stop the scapegoat dynamic that has been in place in our lives since childhood, we must begin to examine closely the beliefs we adopted about ourselves back then and learn to question the impact they have had on us so that we can begin to move out from under their power.
For more information about this, read my book, “Guiding Principles For Life Beyond Victim Consciousness.” You can download the first three chapters free by clicking here.
I hope this description provides a better foundation for understanding my previous comment.
Blessings, Lynne
Thanks for this informative site. My scapegoater, alcoholic mother, passed away many years ago, and on her death bed she still accused me of doing “things” that were bad. My situation as the family scapegoat is a little different. My mom had me later in life, I was the 5th of 6 kids. I know I look a lot like my mom did, but other than that I don’t have a clue why I was made the scapegoat. I didn’t act out, I finished high school while 2 of my siblings didn’t, I waited till marriage to have my first child while 2 of my siblings didn’t, I didn’t commit any crimes while 2 of my siblings did, yet I was from as far back as I can remember, called the “weirdo” and “black sheep” of the family. It caused me to be isolated, feel unloved, and eventually cut ties with my entire family as soon as I was old enough to leave. I was always accused of things I didn’t do, I was even called a prostitute by my oldest sister when I had never done such a thing and was still a virgin when I met my husband. It’s been a horrible verbally and physically abusive relationship with my family.
In the past few years one of my siblings succumbed to cancer and everyone wanted to welcome me back into the “flock”. I fell for it hook line and sinker. I thought we could get along but even as an adult, (I’m in my 50’s), the abuse started all over again! I’m the only one in our family who went to college, I work as a medical professional, yet I’m still called the “black sheep”, for what reason I don’t honestly know. I’m glad there are web sites regarding what I call sickness in some families. I didn’t even understand fully the dynamics until recently. I’m now learning to get along in life and not let my mother’s abuse or siblings following in her footsteps affect my life. I have four beautiful smart daughters, and honestly I can’t imagine saying things to them that were said to me by my supposed loving mother. I hope everyone here can find peace, and try to forgive if not forget the past. I figure my mother’s anger is now between her and the Lord. I can’t change anything with her any more. I have, however, been forced to severe ties yet again with my siblings since their poisonous behavior has not changed nor do I ever think it will. The only difference is instead of running away like the first time, this time I told them exactly why they won’t hear from me again, the ball is now in their court, they can choose to do whatever they wish, I don’t need them, never did. None of them ever helped me in any way in my adult life, so I have the great feeling that I indeed owe them nothing in return. God Bless everyone here and may the Lord help all to be at peace.
How painful it is when we have been preyed on and paralyzed by the Lie that divides and separates us telling us we must compete with one another getting the scales out weighing the worth and value of human hearts. I, too, was one who geographically ran away from my original home unable to bear the ‘mark’ of being labeled “depressed” and unable to function in life. Now I see we all were stumbling around blind (me included)unaware of the Source of Love living in our very hearts that got ignored and covered over by the deep level of shame that existed in my family’s generational tree. Much bitterness, anger and resentment has run underneath mine and every one of our personal bridges and it has taken me until mid-life to know and understand we all are connected by the Source of Love that exists in every one of us…whether we are aware of it or choose to acknowledge it. Within our original family bonds we learn some of our greatest lessons of the power of Love. Though painful and deeply cutting to our egos, Love bids us to come and invites us down the pathway that gives us our own personal healing and then gives us the opportunity of giving the overflow of that to those who “know not what they do(or have done)“
Great Peace and Comfort in the journey, Love,
Kate
Yes, Kate, it’s a powerful thing when we open to the opportunity for transformation that being nominated to be the family scapegoat brings. Scapegoats are often the key to healing in a family blinded by its woundedness . We, as scapegoats, are the ones who through our very protestation and painful acting out announce to the family (and the world) that love has been thwarted here and in that way become messengers for something different, and hopefully better. Blessings, Lynne
Thank you so much for this site. I was the third born of four children to parents who are mentally ill, and my father struggled with addiction. For reason that still aren’t clear, I was made the family scapegoat from a very young age. I believe it started after the birth of my younger brother (the golden child of the family) when I was two years old. I know that I was a more sensitive child than my siblings, and would react more to the chaos in the home. Before long, everyone ganged up on me and labeled me the “bad one.” It was easier, I suppose, than making my parents take responsibility for their actions. Because I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t, I started to act out frequently. At the same time, I carried quite a bit of guilt over the belief that I had ruined my family and caused my parents to have so many problems.
I had a child at a young age, married his father, and put myself through college. Although I was an adult, my family continued to scapegoat me. I was still the bad one, and my mother liked to try to “out” me to others. For example, she called my husband and his mother on more than one occasion to try to tell them the “truth” about me and what a horrible person I really am. In the end, she became furious when my new family refused to listen to her lies. Finally, I made the decision to no longer accept the abuse. I ended all contact with my family for four years, and finally started to feel free. My mood was much better, I wasn’t nearly as high — strung, and I had a much more positive outlook on life.
It wasn’t until recently that I had limited contact via email with my mother. For a brief moment, I naively thought that we could repair our relationship. After all, she was the one who continued to contact me — why would she want to pull me back in if she really loathed me so? Lo and behold, she soon started to play her usual mind games — calling me vicious and vile (she got wind of the fact through another source that I am in the process of getting help to heal), threatening to out me to others, and blaming me for the family’s problems. I finally decided that I cannot continue to live with the abuse. My family will likely never acknowledge that they scapegoated me, and I am not going to waste my time trying to make them see the truth. All I can do is cut the toxic people out of my life and continue to move forward.
My husband and I now have a beautiful family of our own, and I have worked very hard to create a calm, loving environment for our children. My love and pride for them is indescribable, and I can’t imagine treating one of them the way my family treated me. Still, I realize that I have a long way to go in terms of healing. I am currently getting help through a therapist, but just sharing my story on a site like this is very helpful.
Blessings to you all.
Thanks for sharing with us, Jo. Blessings to you as you continue your journey to peace. Lynne
Hello everyone,
Lynne, I’d really appreciate your insights on an ethical dilemma I’m struggling with:
I’m another family scapegoat, the 6th of seven children who are all long since grown (I’m 50.) I haven’t seen my family since June 0f 2008, when my family’s escalating abuse finally reached a point that I felt I could no longer keep my own friendship and self-respect if I continued going back for more.
I’ve done a lot of therapy and Adult Child Steps work in the 2 1/2 years I’ve been gone, in addition to a great deal of reading, and am several months past the worst of the grieving, anger, and resentment. My husband-to-be and I have created a wonderful, loving blended family, and I’ve always been blessed with great friends (as the only one of my siblings who knows how to make outside friends, by all appearances.) I’m also a loved and accepted member of an exiles-and-refugees branch of cousins and other extended family members who call themselves “The Marilyn Club” (after Marilyn on The Munsters, the only normal one of the bunch who was constantly adjudged by her freak family to be ugly, odd, and embarrassing), and who have themselves escaped or been pushed out of their own branches of our badly twisted, disfigured family tree.
My mother is dying this weekend, and may in fact already be gone by now. I will not be invited to her funeral, and would not go if invited, as I am no longer willing to put myself in harm’s way to satisfy the needs of my mother or siblings. My moral dilemma is this:
What do I owe these people, my adult siblings, now that both of our parents are dead?
I have survived too much not to be frank about this: I do not love my mother or my siblings anymore, and I would be very surprised if any relationship worthy of the name could be revived after so many years of contemptuous treatment. I do not hate them, either, however; I have become very clear on what happened to all of them to make them the way they are, and I am not without sympathy, even while remaining unwilling to put myself in harm’s way for their sake any longer. As a decent, ethical human being, do I have any obligations to them following the death of our last surviving parent, in your opinion? I would be willing to work with them on erasing the curse of our family’s dysfunction in therapy for the purpose of sparing younger generations of the family from this garbage, but does that ever work, in your experience? Is there any point in even suggesting it?
I would greatly appreciate the benefit of your wisdom and experience. Thank you for creating this place for us in cyberspace, Lynne.
Stacey
Dear Stacey,
Thanks for your comment. I understand your dilemma with your family. You ask what your obligation might be to them regarding the death of your mother. I do not know that you owe them anything. I don’t understand that line of thinking really. I think the more important question to ask yourself is what you need to do for yourself to bring closure and acceptance for yourself.
Something we often say in this work is that when we do what is truly best for us, everyone involved benefits, whether they know it or not! Your job is to figure out what that best thing is for you. It might be that offering to go to therapy with your family is something you want to do for you, or it might be that there is nothing at all that you feel motivated to do. There is no right or wrong answer here. No right way to do it … just follow your own inner guidance. Sometimes a personal and private ritual to honor your mother as having brought you into the world can be a deeply beautiful and healing act … again it is up to you.
Can therapy work to heal family dysfunction? Absolutely. Does that mean it will work for your family. Not necessarily. There are all sorts of determining factors involved in whether the therapeutic process will work for you and your family: factors like what therapeutic approach is being used, how seriously family members take the process, how willing everyone is in getting honest with one another, and how badly they (you) want it.
Something that I’ve come to believe, and that is considered to be a radical idea in the field of psychotherapy, is this: it only takes one person to have a happy relationship! We think they must change, they must “do their part,” etc. for us to be happy, or to have a happy relationship, but I’ve found that all I need to do is change my story about them and everything changes. I can be happy in my relationship with them regardless of whether they change or not!
I have tested this idea out again and again in my own family with “difficult” family members and found that when I drop my limited and unhappy story about them, they become much more open and forgiving of me. This is often difficult however because we are convinced that they are the reason we act the way we do. We don’t realize that we are acting in ways that exacerbate the difficulty between us.
The simple truth is this: all of us act the way we do because of what we tell ourselves and believe. When we believe that family members are trying to hurt us, for instance, we will act in a particular (usually defensive) way towards that family member that may actuall ends up (unconsciously) inviting them to react towards us in a way that will prove us right about them. This is the piece we can do something about. We can’t change them, but we can change the way we choose to perceive them.
Thanks for finding me Stacey, may you find inner peace and acceptance with the passing of your mother.
Blessings, Lynne
Hi Lynn, I agree wholeheartedly with Pamela: forgiveness does not work for everyone, and the pressure to forgive can lead to ever more destruction for the abused, the abuser, and those arond them. This is especially true in the case of very serious child abuse such as sexual crimes, there has been much new thinking in this area and the dangers of pushing people to forgive those who have endangered their lives — and who would continue to given the opportunity — can lead the abused feeling even more responsible for the horrors in their lives than they already do. Survivors of all kinds need to prioritise processing their own emotions and building the good lives they deserve, not, in my experience, on forgiving. Some people will just never be able to forgive the horrors that are brought on them, but they can still have good and happy lives. I do not see forgiveness as part of my healing process, if it comes it comes, but it is absolutley not a priority or anything I would pressure myself to work for. I work for the welfare of me and those who treat me with love and respect.
We all find or own way in the healing process and I dare say forgiveness works for some people — although I am doubtful because of my own experinces. But the pressure to do so has also damaged many others.
Also, Lynn, thank you so much for this site — it has offered me great solidarity at a time of need: Christmas! Possibly the scapegoat’s worst time of year. It has given me a sense of belonging — something I’ve craved these last few days as although I ad a lovely Christmas day with friends, the pressure to have and be with family is so immense at this time I felt hard done to, but now I feel much better. So, thank you. x
Hello Fellow Passenger,
Thanks for your heartfelt comments on forgiveness. I appreciate your concern for those who might take my words as encouragement to stay in abusive relationships.
I’m not sure that you and I disagree, really. It seems to me that we simply may have a difference in the way we define forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not toleration of abuse. EVER!
The word, “forgiveness” literally means “to let go of” — like the word, “forgo” means to omit, or pass up, the word, the word, “forgive” implies that we release something we’re holding onto.
Forgiveness is an inside job … we can even serve a restraining order on an abuser from a place of forgiveness and love! We can leave them, say no to them, and refuse to participate in our old pattern of abuse with them — all from a state of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not about what we do as much as the internal space we do it from.
We forgive because not to forgive requires that we hold on to hurt, anger, resentment, and most especially it requires we hold onto an image of ourselves as being a victim!
We forgive because it is the kindest thing we can do both for the abuser, but more, for ourselves! Think of the immense amount of energy required to live in a state of unforgiveness! We must remind ourselves again and again about how wrongly we were treated, constantly strive to defend ourselves from the abuser by hating them, and justifying to others why we do. It becomes a limiting way of defining, not only them, but ourselves.
Forgiveness means we understand that there are no mistakes, no coincidences, and that every single person, including our abusers, are in our life for a reason — and it’s a positive one!
Forgiveness comes naturally once we see the message that the abusive person came into our lives to deliver. Forgiveness means we see what in our relationship with self, Source, and/or the world they came to reflect to us so we can make the adjustments for a healthier state of being.
Through forgiveness, we come to understand that as painful as the relationship might have been, it must have been necessary for our own emotional and personal expansion, or it would not have happened. To think it happened at or against us is to see the world as a cruel place indeed, and with a very weird sense of sadistic humor!
My experience is that the world is a benevolent place, or at the very least, a neutral place. That means that every single happening in my life, no matter how unpleasant, is my teacher. My job is to integrate the lesson and move on.
Once we come to see our abusers as wounded messengers come to reveal to us how we treat ourselves, then we can “get the message and go if we need to!”
Refusing to tolerate abuse from another is a most forgiving thing to do, because when we tolerate abuse we reinforce in the other a less than flattering way of seeing themselves. To allow them to abuse us promotes their image of themselves as being unloving and cruel. What I’m saying is that when we let them get away with abuse, we reinforce for them their own low opinion of themselves. The greater the loss of self-respect by either one of us, either for tolerating abuse or perpetuating it, serves to powerfully reinforce a pattern of continued abuse.
I appreciate your contribution to this dialog for it prompts me to expound on this subject of forgiveness in a way hopefully that clarifies it’s definition. I, like you, certainly do not wish to promote any idea that one should settle for abuse in any relationship … and most especially, abuse of ourselves!
Nonetheless, I must continue to talk about forgiveness as an important step towards real freedom. If I carry (i.e. refuse to let go of) my painful story about what you did to me, who must I, by necessity, become? Does it not limit my freedom? My happiness?
Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. That’s the essential message I’m striving to impart.
I hope this is helpful.
Blessings, Lynne
After reading your article and comments, I wonder if I’m being called upon to reprise my role as scapegoat. I’ve understood the role for a long time, tried to change the role within the family without luck, and finally, after the family chose to shun me when I was going through a painful divorce, I chose to forever keep myself and my children at a healthy distance from them.
And so my children and I have lived, for 15 years, in our insulated little family. No relatives for holidays or birthdays or graduations. It’s been good, though, and I DO see that I’m the lucky one out of my siblings. I escaped and have done well for my little family. We’re like a sapling, growing strong and healthy, far from the twisted branches on the old and gnarley tree.
Suddenly, I’ve been contacted. My dad is dying, any day now. My mother, who is mentally ill, is not likely to be able to stay in the house on her own.
No, I won’t be allowed to be at my father’s deathbed, or to attend his funeral. It might “upset mom”, something we must never ever do. But mom may have to be “put away” or something. It’s a decision the brothers and sisters may have to make.
Now the family says mom became “mean” since I left. Now the family says they realize I may have seen something they hadn’t. The fact is, as long as mom had me as the scapegoat, no one else had to see the meanness. Once I was gone, the scapegoat role was up for grabs.
I must admit to feeling happy to talk to my sibling, and happy at the idea of becoming part of the family again. I watch shows like Brothers and Sisters, and I long to have such relationships in my life. Living in exile can get lonely.
Yet I have an eerie feeling about all this. When mom is “put away”…when I become part of that process… won’t I be the one to blame for any problems that stem from that “family decision”? Won’t I again become the convenient scapegoat for all the ills that befall the family during those trying days?
I’m thinking I’m better off remaining the family exile rather than the family scapegoat.
Hi Sydney, Yes, I understand your caution. It is realistic for you to understand that your system will demand a scapegoat and well … you do know the role so well!
It is not un-doable to interact with such families and stay in health … you just have to have a really good set of consciousness tools and a lot of willingness to go into the trenches armed thusly.
Sounds like you feel the potential set-up, and you recognize that you and your family are each well trained to unconsciously do your part to play it out.
It is the ability to see our life situations with that sort of conscious clarity that allows us to remain unhooked enough that we can respond from a centered space of love, no matter what the other is doing, or not doing to us.
We call that space observer mind. Seeing from observer consciousness allows us to recognize that people act out of their own unconscious patterns of belief automatically — we can count on it — and that has nothing to do with us. We don’t have to take it personally — we do not have to make it about ourselves. But we usually do. And that’s where the trouble for us begins.
We could instead observe that our family members simply play the part they were scripted to play, and that they have always played blindly, and we can feel some degree of compassion because to live like that is a very painful way to live.
They are miserable because they believe things about themselves and the world that generates that misery and they don’t know that that’s why they are miserable which leaves them with no choice but to blame someone for their misery. What else are they gonna do? Blame themselves? That’s where you come in. You’ve been trained to play that part … and part of your training is to say and do things unconsciously that subtly invite their blame.
They don’t understand that their misery is generated in their own mind. And to take responsibility for their own assumptions feels like blaming themselves, and again, that hurts too bad. They need you.
Blaming is what dysfunctional families do … it’s the only way they can make sense out of why they are so miserable. It has to be somebody’s fault. If it’s not your fault, than they have to blame themselves, I think we can quickly see what the obvious unconscious choice would be; self-preservation always wins.
And we get just as caught up in our beliefs and stories as they do in theirs! And then we act out of old unconscious patterns, and end up perpetuating the dysfunction in our own way, and the system dynamic gets strengthened at everybody’s expense.
When we can see what the belief pattern is, (our own and theirs) we can side step their jabs, like an Aikido move that turns the attacker’s energy back to themselves, and yet still remain in a loving space towards them, as well as towards ourselves.
The key is not to personalize their behavior. Instead we choose to understand what’s going on: it’s the system being played out through the individuals in it.
The system has no mercy. It is built to perpetuate the lineage of family myths and beliefs that go all the way back, generations and generations. The more we resist it, the stronger it gets.
So YOU get to choose how much you want to participate in this dynamic. If you want to use it as a growth medium for becoming more conscious, it is guaranteed to be a huge growing experience … and it’s liable to have some very painful moments too — every time you try to fight the system or defend your stoy, that is you taking on the system and it will always win — if you fight it.
Learn more about the observer consciousness and the tools that access and utilize it from my book, Guiding Principles for Life Beyond Victim Consciousness
Whether you go back into your family system, or not, I trust that you will be led exactly to where you need to go!
Blessings,
Lynne
I ordered your book and received it today. Interesting. You’re giving me armour to deal with the situation, but at this point it’s similar to giving a child a suit of armour and sword. Not quite skilled enough in the use of it to go into the trenches against a skilled warrior just yet.
I’ll work at it. Thank you.
Oh, wait. I’m not supposed to be fighting, just dodging. You can see my defensive mindset in my use of violence as an analogy.
I’m not done reading the book, yet.
Sydney, I trust that you are moving rapidly towards the mental and emotional freedom you obviously desire and deserve!
Blessings, Lynne
BTW, I DO have a Healing the Victim Pattern Workshop coming up at the end of March in California — in case you REALLY want to get a jump-start on building your consciousness tool kit!
Thank you for posting this blog. There seems to not be too much out there on scapegoating. Recently, I have realized that I’m the scapegoat of the family. (I’m the second-born out of three and female) It truly came clear when my brother returned and I had interactions with my brother and father at the same time. Both of them blamed me for everything. If something was broken, they would blame me. Even though, I didn’t break it, I would be blamed. If my brother would break it, he would blame me and I’d get in trouble. Mind you, both my brother and myself are in our twenties. My brother would do bullying tactics and my father would join in. All I can say is I come from a twisted family. The preferential treatment is absurd. One time we were having a meal together and my dad got out a can of coconut juice. He brought two glass cups. Despite the fact that I was sitting next to him he just offered it to my brother.
My older brother is the prized child. He can do no wrong according to my family. If I point out any discrepancies or unfairness, my father would vehemently deny such a thing exists. Whereas, my mother would make an excuse for my brother.
I’ve also noticed that it is generational. My dad’s younger sister (the second born), seems to be the scapegoat. Everyone says she is terrible, but I think part of them has to take the blame as well.
I feel like the best approach is just not be involved. Why be a part of a family that blames you for things you had no responsibility or control over? To me, it’s more about maintaining my self-esteem. I now realize that I was getting so upset and depressed over my family’s problems because they were blaming me for everything.
After reading several of these comments, I’m glad to see I’m not alone.
Thanks for this blog. Like Eric, I am having troubles forgiving my family and I don’t know if I ever will. I’m fine when they’re not around, but as soon as my parents are around me, I get very tense and full of anger.
My father is an alcoholic and mother, though the more responsible parent, was physically abusive and I grew up in terror of her wrath that would have no mercy. After beating me, I would be bruised and she once hit me so hard my nose started bleeding.My father was very abusive towards everyone in the family when drunk and I was afraid he would slaughter my mother while we sleep. She got separated with my father when I was 10 and for some time I was living with her, moving from place to place, staying at her relatives that I hardly knew before. In a year or two, she left me with my father and grandparents and left the country saying she wanted to earn money to buy a home for the two of us.
I’ve always been very unwilling to just put up with the situation and I was fighting a lot with my father, trying to make him stop drinking. The rest of the family denied he was an alcoholic. He would some nights come back home crawling on all fours. Soon after my mother left, I started going out with friends, drinking, smoking pot and so on. My family was calling me a difficult child, an evil one, a whore, predicting I would fail in school and ruin my life. They were saying I was so bad, I would die all alone, because nobody would want to get close to me. My mother was calling on the phone now and then, telling me how much she loved me and how proud she was of me and so on, and so on. I graduated school with excellent marks, went to university, was one of the best ones in the group, got accepted to do a masters abroad. My mother was paying for my education. I was feeling very guilty for that, I wanted her to save money so she could finally buy a home for the two of us, but I realised that was not exactly her plan. She has built a new life there. During those 16 – 17 years she’s been abroad, I would meet her once or twice a year. She still wants to play a huge role in my life and wants to act as if we’ve always had a perfect mother-daughter relationship. But that just doesn’t work that way. I’m 28 and she still meets me with the words “my pretty little girl!”, hugging me, she wants to walk in the streets hand in hand… It’s just bizarre to me, we’ve grown so much apart. She wasn’t there when I needed her and for years I’ve been living with the dream of a home for me and her and I feel betrayed. SHe bought a house now, but it’s too late and she bought a house outside town, so I can’t really stay there, because I don’t have a car and it’s very inconvenient.
However, I gradually grew closer to my grandmother after my granddad died, because she needed support and I opened up to give it to her. My mother was very jealous about it. AFter my grandmom died, I was devastated, it was at the time when I was finishing my masters and couldn’t even have the time to grieve, let alone, couldn’t get back home in time for the funeral. Afterwards, coming back home and finding a job, building a life was very hard and mother started calling me and saying i was a lazy one, a failure because she said I was too lazy to find a well-paid job and she didn’t support my plans for university career. I was already having problems with eating disorders (mother “helped” a lot by commenting on my weight and eating habits all the time and telling me how pretty I was when I was very slim), depression and anxiety. After a particularly bad episode when I was considering suicide, I settled in a remote village in a distant country, away from everything. There, one day, my father called me to say he was planning to commit suicide because he was pissed off that he didn’t earn enough to go out drinking everyday. ANd so he did. He didn’t die, though. I came back home to see him, my mother was furious about my decision because she wanted to be the one in charge, she said I should’ve first asked his sister about the most convenient time for her to get me back home…
Anyway, so my parents now want to act like parents. You know, telling me to dress warm, asking me where I go, telling me how to do things, giving me advice and so forth. My mother acts as if she’s been around me all those years, talking to people as if she knows everything about me, showing me around like a puppy and talking about me instead of me.
It just drives me mad! It’s like they’re palying a theatre and want me to get in the role of the sweet daughter of a nice and caring family all of a sudden. But all those things that have built up during the years are still inside of me and whenever my parents are around, acting like the parents they should have been a long time ago, I can’t suppress my anger. Not only because I still hurt, but, also, because I’ve built myself alone and I am now an independent adult, who is treated like a child by the parents who were never mature and responsible enough to protect me as a child.
Enough now. I needed to let it all out. Thank you!
Yes, Kim, every dysfunctional family must have someone to blame! Afterall, it’s the only way to feel better in a system that is not working well, and believes it has to be someone’s fault — of course, members of such a family will look around for someone else to make responsible for their unhappiness — especially since they have no idea about how to feel better on their own!
So you were tapped by the system to be the one they could all point their finger at as the reason for the family dis-ease.
For those of us who have been scapegoats, the most important thing to remember it’s not about us personally! It’s a role assigned to the child born at a time when something to blame is most needed; it’s a role assigned unconsciously, not by the parents, but by the system itself …and being assigned the role has nothing to do with who that child is!
It’s truly NOT a personal thing, though it feels intensely personal, and we make it so through our rebellions and anger about being zeroed-in on in such unfair ways. And it’s not fair … but life, and especially dysfunctional family systems, are not designed for fairness, but for survival which often requires that someone (the designated scapegoat) be sacrificed.
This is the way of it. We can rail against it, try to fight it, or defend against it, or we can step back from it and see it for what it is and refuse to buy into seeing ourselves as unloved and unlovable just because we were unconsciously elected to play the part. True healing happens when we stop scapegoating ourselves.
Blessings, Lynne
First I’d like to say how incredibly thankful I am that I have found this thread and I’d like to share my story in the hopes I can get feedback and also maybe help someone else who is in my situation.
I will be 34 next week and have been going through therapy and have come to the realization that I am the identified patient.
The scapegoating began in my family when my parents divorced. I am the youngest of two and my mother raised my sister and I on her own.
When my parents divorced, my sister became increasingly mean and cruel to me and would run to my mother and blame me for her violent actions.
At the age of 12, I started slipping in school and I was taken to a psychiatrist who then told my mother I was suicidal. I was instantly admitted to a psych ward and then was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for a portion of my youth. (no place for a kid).
I was labeled borderline personality disorder and was only further stigmatized by that label for my whole life. This is a horrible practice if you ask me and we REALLY need to stop labeling our youths. (This is a great site on the subject) http://www.cchrint.org
Fortunately, I left the house right when I turned 17 and didn’t look back until recently.
I had a very wonderful stretch in my 20’s and built a life of dreams and happiness. I completely blocked out my time in the hospital and most of that was due to the fact that I never spoke to my sister and rarely to my mother.
It was only recently on a family vacation when there was a full on episode of scapegoatism and my mother blamed me for everything and then said to me when I was upset, by the way, don’t you remember 20 yrs ago you were labeled borderline? Really?!?!?
Fortunately, I contacted the hospital of 20 yrs ago and was able to get my chart. (Amazing how allowing yourself to have your own story without blame can be enough validation).
I find that there are great times of joy when it’s just my Mom and I or just my sister and I but the second we are all in the room it’s like we all revert back to 20 years ago. So much blame and guilt and denial happens in that state.
I have been trying to get my family to see me and it’s just caused more problems.
So with that said, I want to thank Lynne for her approach on being compassionate with the self and the family.
It’s making me want to really rethink my approach towards my therapy and my family. I have a rare opportunity to have a therapy session with my mother and I want to make sure it makes us closer not drive us further apart.
I really do believe the key to our experience in this world is how we sit within ourselves and that reflects in our outer world.
This is a really nice page with words from Rumi on the subject.
Thank you for this thread.
oops, here’s the link to rumi..
http://www.anaflora.com/articles/saints-sages/saint-3.html
It Is Our Words Which Hide Reality
“This is the phenomenon of reflection, reflection of one mind on another. Pleasure and displeasure, affection and irritation, harmony and agitation, all are felt when two beings meet without speaking a word. It is really our words which hide reality. If it were not for our words, the phenomenon of mirroring is such that it would seem as if the whole universe were nothing but a palace of mirrors, one reflecting the other.
Whatever feelings we have we cannot really keep it from another. And this is sufficient for us to know that innermost truth, that absolute truth of the whole universe, that the source is One, the goal is One, and the many are only its covers.” Rumi…
You are welcome Id.pt.
It helps to remember that the dynamic we experience in our family is one we take in and learn as the primary way we interrelate with ourselves. THAT’S the place where the shift is initiated. Using our family members as a way to see how we do, think, and say the same sort of things to ourselves — to see that they treat us the way we treat us — and also to begin to make conscious of how, out of our hurt and anger at being scapegoated, we turn on them and become persecutors too! Now, we treat them the way they treat us.This is the cycle of abuse found when we live in victim consciousness.
When we learn to shift our focus from them and instead focus on loving and treating ourselves more kindly, beautiful, dramatic shifts in awareness happen that creates ripples of peace and delight in our outside circles.
So when you sit down with your mom, look for the grain of truth in her feedback (complaints) to and about you. Instead of trying to prove her wrong, find the place in you where that thing is true (and there is ALWAYS a piece of it that will be true although it may not be in the way being seen by the other. Own that piece, not to placate, but because it’s true on some level and because you realize your mother’s job is to mirror that place where you are out of harmony with yourself to you so that you can move towards greater self-forgiveness and ultimately harmony with others.
Please report back and let us know how it goes!
Blessings, Lynne
Blessings,
I first heard the words ‘Family Scapegoat’ 4 days ago in a therapy session. I am in my fifties and have had a life of my share of ups and downs…I have spent time searching, in and out of therapy through the years to try and improve myself…I have been drawn to the teachings of Tolle and Byron and others…yet I always seem to end up back at square one…searching, searching for what?
Then those words ‘Family Scapegoat’…and it was like the elusive piece of the jigsaw puzzle was clicked into place.
I feel a bit overwhelmed right now…I have a feeling of immmense sadness that is lurking in the background, like if I start crying, the dam will break and I won’t know how to stop it. I am not displeased to feel this sadness, as I have wondered why I have seemed unable to cry for the last few years and I have developed some chronic illnesses that seem stress related. I now believe, after reading some of these posts on the family scapegoat, the truth has been presented to me and I have been holding a lot of pain somewhere very deep inside.
Now that my memories are finally making sense, I will not ignore or pretend I have not seen the truth of this, but dealing with this seems so huge. The role of the family scapegoat is currently in full swing with my family and I can also now catch a glimpse, through the sharing of others on this site, that it impacts work, friends, etc.
I am at the information gathering stage. I recognize the rage, the acting out, the shame…the family dysfunction, but am not sure what to do with all this. I recognize the value of forgivness, the benefits of letting go…but I seem to need to understand…I feel a bit like I am in shock. I see the self blame, the blaming others…so many pieces just flying into place.
I am thankful for your web site, even though at this stage I am only able to read a little bit at a time as feelings I am unable to identify make me dizzy. To tell you the whole truth, I actually have such reactions that I get nauseated, so I am also trying to balance taking care of myself through this process, but not sure if others have feedback for this.
So, suggestions regarding healthy ways to start/continue this journey are appreciated. Books, types of therapy…any suggestions very appreciated.
Hi Hope,
Yes, it’s the beginning of a whole new level of awareness when we begin to recognize the assigned roles we’ve played in our family of origin. It does help to remember that the system rules, it’s not that someone did this to us — it’s not one particular individual who scapegoats us, but the whole system (although there might be a family member who blames more than others).
We are assigned these roles unconsciously by a system based on its needs, and not the needs of individual family members in that system. This means that our scapegoat assignment it is not a personal thing, it is not done at us, or to us, it’s just that we happened to be born during the moment when what the system needed was someone to blame for the craziness and dysfunction in the family.
You might read “Another Chance” by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, for a better understanding of the dysfunctional system.
Also, I recommend my book, Guiding Principles for Life Beyond Victim Consciousness, when you are ready to transform the limited thinking that holds you captive in the scapegoat role. Regardless of what happened back then, it is what we decided that means about us that creates our misery. And believe it or not, this is good news, because it means that we hold the key to unlocking this role in our life.
May you grow in peace and self-acceptance,
Blessings, Lynne
I am 27 years old and I went through extensive therapy a few years ago due to my family dynamics. I am the second of three girls and was actually not a problematic child. my personality is most similar to my father who was not very well liked due to his abusive behavior when we were children. My older sister was the one who acted out constantly from the day she was born. My parents had me hoping it would give her some distraction and stop her negative behavior. It did not. Instead, I spent most of my childhood being ignored. Once my younger sister came along she became the golden child who could do no wrong. So if my older sister hit me or hurt me in any way we were told to work it out and if I fought with my younger sister I was scolded for being mean to her. My older sister physically and mentally abused me for years and my parents were always too afraid of her to stand up for me. Years later they told me it was easier to let me be hurt then to deal with another episode with her. I went to college when I was 17 always aiming to please my parents and mostly just to get away from them. I never moved back home. After college I went off to graduate school and became a doctor. I live alone with my two pets and they continue the same behavior. When there is a crisis in the family I am the first person called to solve the problem but if there is no crisis they turn on me to keep them together. I was told in therapy that I was the glue. They needed to hurt me and slander me to keep the family together. I am always there in their time of need but have learned not to rely on them for anything. Although I am aware of the dysfunctionality of my family it still hurts me when they get together and put me down or badmouth me to one another. I am fortunately independent and don’t rely on my family for anything but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I have been unable thus far to have a successful relationship of my own because I constantly seek unconditional love. I seek to be the most important thing to someone and have serious abandonment issues. if the guy doesn’t go to the moon and back for me then they obviously don’t love me. I am in a relationship now and I have tried to explain my situation to my boyfriend but he’s unable to fully grasp the hurt that I feel when I try so hard to please my family and help them anytime any of them need something and they treat me so poorly and disregard everything that I do.
I am the scapegoat of my family and when I fell into a very abusive relationship where my husband was an x wife beater, well, that is when my family dismissed me and would not hear anything of my case. I became homeless and my sister thought I deserved it. My brother took on that I was revenging everyone which I was not. I was just detaching, Alanon style and of course, the blame was on me. Then my sister and brother’s partners tried to attack me both in e mail and in reality with some horrible verbal abuse like I was evil and I was the trouble maker…any number of controlling and abusive comments. Luckily, I have done much research on dysfunctional families or I would have gotten into the frey like I used to. It is very dangerous for me and I have now set a limit on my siblings to not see them until they become educated in the family dynamics.…of course they are not about to apologize but I am not about to placate and assume my kicking posture. It is too mentally damaging to be around them and I do not have to take it. I have set my limits. I will be around them only if they get educated about the part they played in abusing me.
I only get angry when I interact and want them to see the family system and they turn it on me and say it is all me. Then it gets crazy and I want to get really ready to punch someone.…so I cannot let it in my psych any more.
saying no to the prostate position of oppression.
Peggy
Alcohol, 2 failed relationships, 4 beautiful children, lots of different jobs, lonely life of deliberately no friends, a tertiary degree, and now healing myself by forcing social interaction with church and controlling my feelings through concentrating on and understanding the theory of christianity… I’m 60 and I’ve broken through into a life of gratefulness… much, much better. I even went back to my family and went through the process of reattachment, including letting the horrific abuse rear itself in full view of my adult children.
It’s working, little by little.
I’ve been the scapegoat of my family for decades; they see me as a devious messed-up screwup, and when we all (rarely now) get together, they block me out, talk over me, and exclude me in activities.
My sisters has had abortions but places a guilt trip on me for accidentally hitting a dog. Which is worse, hitting a dog or aborting a human life? Huh?
Father thinks he has special genes and is superior to his own offspring.
Mother hides her own dark secrets and displaces attention and focus onto me.
Brother is turning out to be the same narcissist his father is, and there you have it.
I’m done with. Done. Not going to spend my life being the excuse for their own inadequacies.
Thankfully, people outside my family see me as smart, reliable, and real. I just cannot continue to be my birth family’s excuse and scapegoat any longer. Won’t do it. Going to live my life happily with the new family I have built and do my best to set aside the past.
I would have never understood this concept if I hadn’t lived it and then realized it in my thirties and forties. Learning more about myself than ever before and standing up to the family patterns that were taught of guilt, shame and unworthiness. It amazes me the things I would accept as true without questioning as a child and young person, but I guess you don’t know better at those ages. I had one parent who was loving and steady, but perhaps missed or overooked things. The other parent did not promote love, affection, self esteem or safety. I understand the earlier post about being the last to be informed of family get togethers as adults, or having my plans to host a holiday overruled by other family members, or not having a single family member make an effort to visit my home, but rather I graciously travel to theirs. Thought it was just my family. I’m the youngest. However,one day a couple years ago when my older sister informed me that my three college AP courses in high school were “nothing” compared to the accomplishments of her own daughters, I stopped her and said, “that’s NOT nothing”. She tripped over her words and did not know what to say so she tried to ‘describe what she really meant’. I realized I had listened to a lifetime of this from her and at least one other sister who tended to be competitive. And I had never noticed it as being wrong or abusive. Not any more. Call people out. I understand the feeling of family members thinking you’re the sensitive one, or the one who doesn’t get it, or the troubled one. I understand the feeling of thinking you could never be good enough and not knowing where that feeling came from and then looking back with wisdom one day and realizing how smart you really were, how good you really did in school, what a good kid you really were, how sensitive you are to other people’s pain and how thankful your parents could have been for who you are, how proud your siblings really should be of what you’ve been through and how far you’ve come without some of the necessities of life. Wow, if my family would take the time to just learn.
Thank you for your website. It has opened my eyes to reasons for my self defeating behavior. I looked up signs of dysfunctional families and parental behavior and found that my mother displays almost all of them. She was, and still is, always cold and blamed it on the fact that my father, who has been dead 35 years, did not want her to show affection to her 5 children. We all grew up in an extremely abusive family. I had a son when I was 17, wanting so much to believe when a guy said he loved me. My son is grown, now 36, and my mother has always talked against me and gives him a guilt trip when he spends any time with me. My younger sister is 49 and has never lived outside of my mothers house and they both treat me coldly. Why would a mother want her child to feel unloved. Yes I have had anger at times most of it centered on the fact that she expects me to do things for her, or her house, but expects little of my sister. So many crazy things go on with the whole dynamics but I’m beginning to finally understand and heal. I’m just learning to love myself. Thanks again.
Thanks for this. I am a middle child and at 35, I’ve had enough of the toxic games in my family. I’m tired of being the problematic middle child, the one who absorbs all the blame and suffers all of the guilt. I’m tired of it. I’m a mom now and I refuse to let my daughter Lucia pick up on all of this. I refuse to continue in this manner. I have to walk away from my entire family, because it’s so bad. It’s hard to do, to take her away from them, to mourn that we will never have a relationship, but we won’t. To take a set of grandparents away from her, but they are awful and I don’t trust them. My dad will totally say horrible things under his breath. My daughter was born dead. She had a scary start that involved a 30 day NICU stay. I tried to give them another chance and for about a year things were tolerable. They’ve only gotten bad again. I see things different now because I’m a mother and my daughter is a true miracle. I thought her birth brought people together but now I just feel duped that I trusted them again. Your website is very helpful, and I appreciate it. It’s validation for me.